December 30, 2011

Tis' the eve of the Eve of all Eve's to come.  The ringing in of another New Year is upon me, and this one just as the last I presume I will be spending it alone, but only time will tell!  Another sober New Years' Eve?  Ughhh, what I wouldn't give to have just one drink.  I know however; that one will turn into an endless journey of absolute drunkenness and I will be right back where I was.  A useless, hopeless, worthless woman and mother.  Do I really want to have one drink, or do I just need to focus on the future and all the good (so I've been told) that awaits me?  I think this too shall pass.  Those fucking cliches that tug at my gut are somewhat more appropriate today than days before.  It's high time I start fucking living my life in the present instead of the past.  I'm sick of dwelling on all that once was.  I know what my heart desires and it's right there at my fingertips for the taking if only I can let go.  I've pleaded and begged for guidance and I realize right this very moment that the only guidance I need is found within myself.  It's a burning desire to live, laugh and love, and rightfully so. I deserve that much, don't I? 

December 29, 2011

Once again my old friend..."NEGATIVITY", has taken hold, wrapped it's claws deep into my flesh, and for some unbeknown reason will not loosen his grasp.  The talons are ripping me to shreds, unlike anything I've experienced.  I am scared to death that I'm going to lose all that has been bestowed upon me, including my own self.  There is no other way to describe the overwhelming feeling that has taken control, it's absolute FEAR...I know how I used to deal with these bottled up emotions, I drank myself into oblivion until I could no longer feel anything, I was indeed comfortably numb.  I'm afraid to go back there.  I'm afraid of success, failure, joy, laughter, happiness, love.  It all scares the shit out of me.  I've known misery for so fucking long, it's going to take time, much time for me to realize that not everyone is out to get me, or wanting to hurt me in some way.  I'm accustomed to that as well, hence the reason for so few that are close to me.  Some days I lose the will to live, and yet I find something to hold onto so as not to fall deeper into darkness.  I'm half-way there, and occasionally I feel the rope slip threw my hands, leaving burns that peel flesh that's oh so soft not from my hands but my soul.  I am so tired of MISERY taking control.  How the HELL can I rid myself completely of her (MISERY)? She's a vicious bitch and I've about had all I can take.  I have to move forward before I lose everything, including YOU!  Will somebody please, please help me?

December 28,2011

     Some say that a light may suddenly appear and all of the questions that have been so daunting will come to pass.  However; I don't see it that way.  I've had that light shed upon me, and it hurts like hell, almost as if a knife with jagged edges is being twisted deeper into my soul.  The pain of realization is much like that of a brutal beating, which I have endured many of, both emotionally and physically.  I cannot allow myself to fall prey today, tomorrow not ever.  My character has been lost in all of the lies that I had lived, all of the dreams I've had were just that....DREAMS.... I thought that life was going to treat me with kindness and love, yet I somehow was swayed in the opposite direction of kindness and all of those dreams that once were, were thrown to the wayside like garbage.  I admit I had some doing in all of the tossing of my own dreams, yet not completely.  I cannot place blame on others' yet they are aware the damages done, and for me to forgive, is inconceivable.  I try daily to please most everyone, certain individuals more so than others' in hopes that I might rid myself of some of the guilt that haunts me.  The more effort I place on pleasing others' the less of a being I become.  It's robotic almost.

     I want to live a life that's full of LOVE...whatever LOVE is....wherever it may take me, I want that.  

     I'm tired of being pushed and shoved in directions I have no desire to face. I need to make my own paths and travel the directions that I wish to without influences.  I can accept guidance and the occasional constructive criticism however the verbal beat downs, and physical as well as emotional abuse are no longer going to be welcomed.  I will not roll out the welcome mat and accept it, I can't.  It's too fucking painful.  Find another victim.  I will not lie down and pretend that I no longer feel, I will not be trampled nor will I be devoured by others' hateful and hurtful words, for they too cut like knives.  I have scars, physical scars, emotional scars that are daily reminders of where I've been and what I've lived through.  I cannot endure another day as those days before. I realize also that some may see me as a careless and thoughtless mother, and those that view me in those ways are clueless.  You don't know what I have lived through, what I have been witness to, how much pain I endured both physically and emotionally.  For that matter unless one asks...NO ONE KNOWS ME!

December 27, 2011

I have noticed that in the past year and the most recent months that the negativity I allow to control my thoughts as well as my actions, has more of an affect on my own self-worth than anything else.  I have tortured myself for so many years believing that I was worthless and hopeless.  I believed that all to be true, that I was delusional and my sense of self was warped, all of these things were brought on by my own actions and reactions to situations I allowed myself to be held hostage by.  I am no longer bound, and I can hear my own thoughts scurrying frantically around in my mind to find a safe haven to hide only to present themselves later.  I can't allow it.  For the past few days, I've noticed a change within myself, scary to say the least that I have the ability to actually feel the changes and be witness of my own actions and reactions.

December 15, 2011

That overwhelming unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach is back once again, as if to say, "I've neglected you."  "Really?" I'm wondering if I invite the demons in with a warm welcome or do they creep up like I've suspected they do?  When will I learn to walk away?  When will it be my turn to bask in the sun and the glory?  How much more SHIT do I need to put myself through, how much more SHIT do I need to endure?  Am I really bullshitting myself by not wanting to deal with my past and how it's affected me today?  I don't see it as bullshit, avoidance yes.  Neglecting to relive painful experiences?  YES!  I'll agree to that much too.  Why continuously dig up the past and allow it to fester until I can no longer deal with the wreckage that it's caused and I implode.  UGGHHHH!!!! I AM COMPLETELY BESIDE MYSELF! 

December 14, 2011

It's an absolute catastrophe when I finally realized that I am by no means happy with the direction my life has taken me. It's hell working at a dead end job, juggling paychecks just trying to make ends meet, and still find the little extra for my children.  Why does it seem the harder I work, the longer the days seem, the less I have to show for it.  I'm sick and tired of this life already, time for drastic measures.  If I'm going to be anything or achieve a fucking thing I need to step outside of "the box" so to speak.  I've become complacent and have settled into something that is by no means "ME".  I'm drained daily, both physically and emotionally.  Some days I wonder more often than not what the fuck my purpose in life is...am I meant to struggle for the rest of my days?  Will I ever see that "silver lining" that others' have told me about?  It's killing me, knowing that I've been working my fucking ass off for nothing.  I don't benefit from it, I never have.  I've always been the caretaker of others' and it's high time I put an end to all of it, but HOW?  It takes all that I possess to get my ass up most mornings and make the trip just to wallow in self-loathing pity.  YES....pity, I pity myself, I can, it's my fucking prerogative.  I guess if I think about it, I can do whatever the fuck I want.  FUCK!  Why haven't I told myself this before.  Why haven't I realized before this that I am worth more than I settle for?  What have I been thinking all of these years and for that matter what the fuck is wrong with me for thinking I needed to settle.  I used to have dreams and goals that I was intent on striving for.  I lost sight of them, and myself.  With a little help from a certain someone I am realizing that I no longer need to settle, that my life is worth much more than I realize.  I will be moving forward and those that are willing to trudge the road less traveled with me will be a part of my life for always.  I will no longer stand in the corner while the rest of the fucking world  lives life, laughing and loving.  I want love, but do I truly know how to achieve such.  Do I know how to love for that matter?  I've set aside my own desires and needs for the sake of others for too fucking long now, I will not allow myself to be their prey.  If this is to be the road less traveled for me, then I will walk it by candle light. 

I've asked myself for years what it is I see when I see my reflection looking back at me, and to this day I am not sure I am prepared to answer that question.  Perhaps, the uncertainty of who I am supposed to be is clouding that mirrored image.  The insanity of it all is rather amusing at times although tears not laughter may be present, I still find a moment in every day to perhaps just giggle.  Not that I'm giggling because I am overjoyed but overwhelmed with the outcome of certain situations.  I wonder, will I ever learn.  There's alot of uncertainty I'm experiencing right this very moment, and it's frustrating. Uncertainty about myself about my future.  I worry and I worry a lot.  I'm frightened most days, fuck, I'm scared to death most days.  I still wish I could hide behind my mothers' skirt, and pretend that I was invisible, I felt safe there.  Life was simple then, and somehow, somewhere that safety net was gone, like it was torn from my grasp, that's the day I began to understand FEAR.

December 12, 2011

There are few things in life that give me absolute pleasure, and I haven't the slightest idea today what those things might be.  I've lost focus for so long that all of those things that I once thought were pleasurable turned out not so...It's rough terrain, and I've been traveling alone for such a long time now.  Falling off the beaten path, venturing into the wilderness, almost losing myself completely, but I am here, somehow, someway, someone thought me worthy enough to be spared the misery that lay at the end of that path I was trudging.  I'm putting all of my eggs (my faith) into one basket now in hopes that whomever or whatever it was that redirected me is doing so for the better.  I have nothing to lose but everything to gain or so I've heard it said a million times over. i believe but can't be certain that I'm gaining, perhaps only perspective but gaining nonetheless. I have taken the life that I've been given for granted and am just now learning how to live, slowly, but I'm learning.  Some may say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I am living proof that with a little will-power and the perseverance to move forward change is inevitable.  I am scared to death most days, and the fear overpowers all else, yet I always find that miniscule glimmer of hope, and hold onto it for dear life until the fear subsides, even if momentarily.

November 28, 2011

     I must have been blinded or perhaps I simply turned the other cheek in fear of the unknown or maybe not so unknown.  I recognized what was taking place and refused to interfere, thus failing a friend.  I saw the warning signs even was witness to them harming themselves for fear of facing an horrific past. I am most thankful that GOD has been watching over me and her for the past three weeks otherwise neither of us might not of been here, and I wouldn't be telling all of my happenings.  I was terrified to say the least, yet I refused any and all guidance for fear of losing another friend.  We are fighting for our lives, even as I type I am in conflict within myself, trying to rid the bad and replace it with good.  I know I can do it, however the past is so overpowering and the demons that reside there seem to find me at my weakest moments, and when they do, the roller coaster to hell is on a fast track spiraling downwards, taking me with it, in hopes of watching me meet my demise.  I am stronger though, I know that I am, I have overcome that hell I tell of, and although it may creep up and frighten me I need remind myself that it's my past and can no longer hurt me, nor am I willing to allow it to.
 
     A turn of events has made me realize that we most definitely do hurt the ones we love the most.  Is is subliminal or do we do it consciously?  All I seek out of life today is pure, sublime happiness and I have certainly found the one that brings all that I could imagine to light.  At first it was shady and I was suspicious, however; I realized that when the light shown through and I saw this figure for what he was, I loved him before I knew what TRUE love was.

True Colors...

November 11, 2011

I can't be certain but I believe I took a breathe yesterday.  I can't give specifics because I'm not sure the time of day it was or if in fact I was even conscious at that moment.  I can say I see through different eyes today.  Not of my own clouded and obscured eyes, I am not worthy of a happy and healthy relationship, it's quite apparent. It's not written in the STARS for ME.  I thought maybe I was, but I can now reassure myself that I do more damage than good for everyone, even my own children. Words were thrown back and forth and some more hurtful than others and I have been struggling to swallow tiny pieces and wondering all the while if in fact I am all of those things that others' say I am.  Perhaps I put blinders on in fear.  Fear of relinquishing my shell and feeling completely exposed. It has taken hold of me. Fear that others' are right about me, and that I truly am not worthy.  I feel completely alone.  I am alone.  I stand alone.  I have only myself to depend on, to blame for all that takes place daily, no one but ME.  FUCK ME!  I hate myself, I've always hated myself.  I guess I'm meant to be alone, but I just don't understand why!  WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE SO TERRIBLY FUCKING WRONG THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF MY LIFE THAT I NEED TO LIVE IN ABSOLUTE EMOTIONAL MISERY ....  CONSTANTLY?  WHAT?  Can someone fucking tell me?  I'm tired, too tired to fight!  I have nothing left to give.  I am empty and I am allowing all those demons back in.  They know me like none other does.  I am comfortable with them.  They dictate my life, at least I had meaningless direction then.  Why bother being sober, why bother TRYING to change.  Who really gives a FUCK in the end?  I'm tired of fighting with myself, my thoughts, I'm tired of trying to please others', I'm tired of being emotional, I gave my all, I've tried to change, and the little I have isn't good enough for others'.  I don't have a magic wand, I can't swing it in the air and be perfect.  I am far from perfect and you know what?  I like being imperfect, defines my character, gives me depth.  All that I have endured has brought me to this very moment in time.  The time where I realize I really am not meant for LOVE.  I felt it, and so I know what true love is now, I should just be satisfied with knowing that I was able to truly love another.  It's as painful as a jagged rock, tearing at my skin, but this pain is deep, and intense.  I have cried myself to sleep for 3 nights, I cannot even think straight.  I lost the one thing that brought me joy.

November 10, 2011

Once again, I have allowed demons to take over my every thought, every action and reaction and in doing so lost a part of me I thought I had found.  I was mistaken.  I thought that I deserved so much more than I actually do, and perhaps I am throwing myself on that 'pity pot' so they call it, and if I am so fucking what!  I deserve to have all that my heart desires and then some.  Why is it that so many others' can have all they desire, but the ones' that work and strive for such, never seem to grasp any of that which is good, but just the opposite?  It seems more and more that I am unworthy of happiness.  I need to take my place in the circle of life and accept things just the way they are.  I can only hope that someday, one day things will be different and the struggles within and without myself will subside long enough for me to take a breathe and live life for a moment or two.

November 8, 2011

    Is it truly attainable?  A life without turmoil, to live in the here and now for always?  I think NOT!  So they say the wreckage from our pasts will haunt us and wreak havoc on all that we touch, I am living proof that, that holds to be true.  I can't escape it, no matter how I try, it has it's talons embedded in my soul, and is tearing the flesh that's oh so deep from my living being.  The drugs masked the torture I was so accustomed to, for years, perhaps I deserved such beatings, maybe I brought them on myself.  Maybe just maybe I deserve more of the same as opposed to a happy, healthy relationship.  I can't even do that right.  I inquire, and I'm irrational, my sense of self is once again warped, I am the most fucking delusional person that I know.  Why would anyone want to be surrounded by such fucking negativity.  It's everywhere.  Lurking, waiting for the right moment to jump out and tear me to shreds.  I should just let people, places and things be well enough alone.  I'll never learn.  I've lived with the horror for too long and it slowly takes away my identity, if at all there is any of ME left.

     The abuse started when I was 8 or 9, my uncle who since then has died.  I felt no remorse when I learned of it either, should I have?   I tried to be the best little girl I knew how, but always ended up terrorizing my siblings for something they had no knowledge of, and so I have lived with the guilt of abuse.  I had few friends, I isolated myself from the world, I was extremely shy and introverted most of my life, until we moved to upstate New York.  At the tender age of 15 I was devastated, I had no friends, I had nothing, just myself, and GOD knew I hated myself, so I continued to torment my brother and sister.  I made a friend, my neighbor and she drank and smoked.  I figured I would make many friends if only I fit in.  So I began stealing my fathers' cigarettes and inhaling them not even smoking them.  We moved a few more times changing schools once again, and instantaneously I found my niche.  The ones' that smokes weed and drank.  I was going to be okay.  There was something different about them though, they didn't drink the way I drank, they drank to savor the flavor, I drank to get drunk. I figured I needed discipline so I joined the Army, HA.  That was a joke, it made me more resentful and I hated life.  I made an ass of myself throughout my entire life, graduated high-school, and got a job.  I met a man, or so I thought, perhaps this is what I needed.  How fucking wrong I was, at first he was kind and complementary, but that soon changed.  I became pregnant, and a switch was turned on and the abuse began.  I thought I had been deserving of it at first because of all I dished out when I was younger. But fearing for my life and begging for mercy didn't seem to stop the beatings.  He would beat me and begin to leave but I was so afraid that I would beg him to stay and endure what seemed like a lifetime more of beatings.  Choking, kicking, punching me I would sob, not ever cry that would only anger him more, so I suffered in silence, I lied about the bruises, and the cuts, I tried to cover up as much as possible.  I didn't know until later that he was a heroine addict, a skin pop was all I needed and it was instant love.  I could endure the kicks and the punches, the hateful words, his cheating and lies.  It all made sense, I got high, and felt no pain.  It escalated to the point of no return, I had given birth and I loved this little child I held in my arms with all that I could love with.  I had no love for anyone but her, hate yes but love was taken. I finally broke down after giving custody of my beautiful child to my mother to care for, because GOD knew I couldn't even care for myself.  My drug use took flight and and I was high morning, noon and night, still enduring the beatings, driving and being punched so hard any normal person would've died instantly but I endured the pain and carried on, this lasted for some time and finally alone in my apartment with no one to care for me or about me (so I thought) I finally decided that life had no meaning and I truly was as worthless as I had been told I was.  I decided that I was going to die, the sun was shining through the window and I chased the dragon that day, I felt the rush come over me, at first it was euphoric and then I became frightened, not knowing if I truly wanted death I made my way outside and began walking, I was able to phone my mother, and sought the comfort I had once known.  I have not ever truly dealt with the abuse on a level suitable for most, because I still believe that I deserved it.  It's all so very vivid at this very moment I need a break.  I still feel the lump on my head from a solid punch to the back of my head which is still very clear in my mind.  I'm exhausted, I exhaust myself, I wear myself down, emotionally until there is no way out of my head.

Humility by Peter Marinelli

Perpetual quietness of heart.
To have no trouble.
Never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore.
To wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.
To be at rest when nobody praises me or when I am blamed or despised.
To have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble
-From the desk of Dr. Bob-
Blessings
Chop wood, carry water
Peter Marinelli

Love yourself 100%.

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it!  I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel,
love the way I love!  I am a whole complex package.  Take me. . . or leave me.
Accept me--or walk away!  Do not try to make me feel like less of a person,
just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change
me to fit your mold.  If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad--
you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.

October 27, 2011

So, I've reached my breaking point once again.  It came and went so abruptly this time, thank God.  I haven't the strength to endure the ups and downs any longer, it's taking it's toll on me like never before, and the repercussions will be devastating if I don't control this SHIT.  I haven't had regrets until now, and they aren't many, however they are right there in front of my face.  How do I recover from this?  What steps must I take in order to prevent further damage?  What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I once again being the saboteur, why is it that I cannot just accept being happy? Why must I throw a monkey wrench in all that is good?  Am I crucifying myself, and if so why?  WHY? WHY? WHY? I'm being devoured by my own mind.  It's quick sand, and I gasping for one last breathe, yet I can't seem to let anyone close enough to help me out, so the anger, fear, and the complete frustration take hold and squeeze until I can no longer see what's right in front of me.  My heart pounds, I can feel it coming out of my own chest, my head spins uncontrollably, my breathe is short and heavy, I need to escape my own thoughts before they become my demise. 

October 26, 2011

The angst is most overwhelming right at this very moment, an uncontrollable urge to scream.  Not to sound ungrateful because I am by no means ungrateful at this very moment in time.  Apprehensive?  HELL YES!

Warrior Woman Has Fully Awoken!

This woman has been kind, gentle,

and has much love,

All of this has been given with

the blessing of the Great Spirit above,

But Great Spirit gave her something

else and she didn't know it...

The Great Spirit gave her

the blessing of being a warrior woman

as now her light is lit!

This warrior woman has come

fully alive TODAY,

She is no longer anyone's slave or prey,

She is taking back her life today,

And those who know who she truly is,

can stay.

No longer will she live the lives of others,

She will give back the blames and responsibilities of others

where it belongs,

For she also has the bear and wolf inside her,

which is now so very powerful

and uniquely strong.

The warrior woman now knows what road she must follow,

For others it will be to hard to swallow.

Her life was taken from her unknowingly many years ago,

And this warrior woman is taking back her life before the next winds blow.

Oh Sister Moon you give me the strength

as a warrior woman to conquer what's on my path,

high above and way beneath,

and the much needed strength to take on the wrath.

This warrior woman is fully awakened and is taking a stand,

taking the problems by the horns with my hand.

I will conquer all that is there,

all and who comes as they dare.

Warrior woman has fully awoken,

and many will see that they were mistaken

in robbing her of her life.

They as a thief, Warrior woman will conquer

and have no grief!

This warrior woman will protect her people, her son,

and those who need her.

If anyone hurts them, look out!

They will hear a GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR,

As they run and shout!

This warrior woman is taking back her life,

taking back the respect that was taken from her

throughout the years ever so slow.

This warrior woman is removing pain and hurt from within the heart

caused by the knife,

from all those who are both family and foe.

I am claiming what's mine, and my dignity,

From those who live in this society of vanity.

I am claiming back in full my heritage.

And as a warrior woman, I am going to clean up

many years of carnage.

For now standing in front of you,

you see this warrior woman... you see me.

Someone special has taught me to be free,

From this day forward for me no more slavery...

Gentleness, kindness, and love is part of me, and so is my dignity.

This is NOT WEAKNESS, as others believe.

But this strength is within me and within you.

I will listen to the spirits and grow,

I will travel in the whispering winds as they blow.

All the work I now do will be for Our People and all nations,

I will protect and guide the future generations.

Now it is time for me to travel on my new path,

As a warrior woman conquering all wrath.

If you ever see and want to meet me,

Please come, and I will also teach and share with you how to be free.

The Empowered Woman by Sonny Carroll

The Empowered Woman, she moves through the world

with a sense of confidence and grace.

Her once reckless spirit now tempered by wisdom.

Quietly, yet firmly, she speaks her truth without doubt or  hesitation

and the life she leads is of her own creation.

She now understands what it means to live and let live.

How much to ask for herself and how much to give.

She has a strong, yet generous heart

and the inner beauty she emanates truly sets her apart.

Like the mythical Phoenix,

she has risen from the ashes and soared to a new plane of existence,

unfettered by the things that once that posed such resistance.

Her senses now heightened, she sees everything so clearly.

She hears the wind rustling through the trees;

beckoning her to live the dreams she holds so dearly.

She feels the softness of her hands

and muses at the strength that they possess.

Her needs and desires she has learned to express.

She has tasted the bitter and savored the sweet fruits of life,

overcome adversity and pushed past heartache and strife.

And the one thing she never understood,

she now knows to be true,

it all begins and ends with you.

October 10, 2011

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails!

Two Wolves - A Cherokee Parable

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

The Gentleman

Gentleman: (1) a civilized, educated, sensitive, or well mannered man.
Up front, I need to state that there are two kinds of "gentlemen." The surface Gentleman, and the real Gentleman.

(1) --- The surface Gentleman. He puts on a good show on his surface. He pretends to be a Gentleman, and likely believes he is. He has mastered the outward signs of a typical real Gentleman. He dresses in style, well, and appropriately. He has learned etiquette quite well. He follows the protocols of social interchange between people of quality. He says the right things at the right times. He will even do good things for people.

But the surface Gentleman is a phony. He is self-centered. He is not honest in his dealings. He is not sensitive to the needs of others, or how his actions may harm them. He will have fun at your expense (ill-mannered). If it suits his need or purpose, he will stab you in the back! He will speak of you or others in a demeaning or hurtful way; sometimes to their face, but usually behind their backs. He may well cheat you or others.

(2) For the real Gentleman, it is much more important to meet the fundamentals of being a real Gentlemen. Surface appearance is only secondary.

Don't be fooled by the outward appearance of a person. Look underneath. Ask "Does this person always act in the fundamentally decent ways expected of a true Gentleman?" A person who at first appears to be a Gentleman, may turn out to be an evil villain, while the "hobo" you meet, might be a true Gentleman. The great comedian and social commentator Red Skelton showed us that a hobo could be the highest quality Gentleman!

I would much rather associate with a true Gentleman who is just a plain guy on the outside, than with a man who appears on the outside to be a Gentleman, but on the inside is a selfish and mean person. In fact, my best friend ever, was a rather rough and poorly educated man on the outside, but a true Gentleman on the inside.

Revisited.....

I realize the impact I have on others' daily, but not once took into consideration the impact I had on myself and my emotional state of being.  I listen intently to all that others' have to say, and absorb most if not all, then remove what doesn't pertain to me and store the rest allowing it to fester.  Fester indeed!  I allow myself to build a grand explosion of emotion and all at once it erupts and I spew flames and corrosion in every direction not being thoughtful to others at all.  I pay the price as I have always done, and it breaks me down, slowly, until I am once again standing on the edge waiting for that last shove, to throw me overboard.  Why don't I see these things before they appear?  What the FUCK is wrong with me?  I hate myself today.  I frantically made phone calls in order to save my own life earlier, the one person that I needed to talk to the most is unavailable to me.  I am scared to DEATH.  I know he's right there on the other side of that door, waiting for the right moment, when I am at my weakest and throw open the door. He will be waiting with hungry eyes, to devour me as he has done in the past. He is Satan, he will be my demise if I don't learn how to control myself.  I can't allow him to control me.  I need to talk, I need to express no matter the cost.  Why is it that I am always seemingly in the wrong?  Am I sabotaging my own life?  Perhaps I need to say what's on my mind at the very moment any insecurities emerge, prior to speculation of my own doing.  I thought I was able to step beyond the childish behaviors I still, obviously, possess.  Apparently not.  I am an alcoholic and am work in progress.  I claim progress not  PERFECTION.  I don't want perfection either.  I've been drinking and abusing myself for a long time, and ridding myself of old behaviors isn't going to take place in less than a fucking year.  I have to continue to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Fuck I hate those cliches, but they work.  They are somehow soothing actually.  I'm pissed, I feel misunderstood, rejected, neglected, alone, afraid, angry, selfish, shit I'm a ball of fricken emotion.  Damn it.  Why can't I just be fucking HAPPY?  Why do I have to be me, can't someone else be me?  I'm confused damn.  Love... is it just a word to be thrown around?  I thought it was a feeling, a sense of security, knowing no matter what you can be you, or I can be me.  I can confide, and trust, kick and scream, cry uncontrollably and still be loved.  A bond not to be taken lightly. Penguins know love...they mate for life.  It's beautiful knowing that.  The pebble and the penguin, how wonderful a thought, that your mate would search the seas over for that perfect pebble and present it to you, and upon acceptance you are one, for all eternity.  What a crock of shit when it comes to us though.  It's a wonderful thought, while it lasts.  I want that kind of love, I have that, I need that.  I need compassion, and understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me down when I feel all hope is gone.  I don't want a fairy tale, I want to write my own.  Can't you see?  I am just a girl, scared, confused standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, with all of her imperfections, not to be ignored, nor neglected..

October 5, 2011

It's a burning desire for sure, or so they say.  I should let things "unfold" as they may, however; I want to know what, how, why, when and where.  It's all a matter of putting my life into perspective, and knowing these things helps me along the way.  I have direction when I am made aware of the hows' and whys' of every situation, everything can be put into place and dealt with equally. Equality is the fucking key word here, without it there is nothing to hang on to.  Common courtesy I expect without reservation.  It's not an option and if it's too difficult to digest than so be it. I can go on tirades if I want to, especially when I FEEL I'm being done wrong or indifferent, I don't expect the world to be handed to me, but there are guidelines as old as the sun, after all it and they existed long before you and I. Am I embarrassed?  FUCK NO I AM NOT!  I say what needs to be said and perhaps sometimes more than necessary.  Do I regret?  NOPE NOT THAT EITHER. Does the need supersede the want?  Perhaps in more ways than one, however; I feel that I am deserving of the utmost of respect.  I should have what I need and then some.  I bust my ass at a dead end job (I love what I do) for what?  Solitude is all I ever wanted, peace and harmony, perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places for such things, I thought I was embarking on something so great and so wonderful that I would never have that empty feeling come over me again, but it's there.  It lingers in the corners of my soul. I have dealt with the emotional abuse, the fucking lies, the betrayal, all of it, and I no longer possess the ability to endure that kind of fucking bullshit. If I need to elaborate on this then I most certainly will, GOD knows I am long winded and argumentative as I've been told.  What will it take for others' to understand that my need to be emotionally attached is greater than all else, and that I NEED and I DESIRE another who will be available to me.  I've been witness to my own emotional wreckage, it creeps up on me as it loves to do, and takes complete hold of every other emotion involved, there is no controlling it, if there were I would.  I have outbursts, I am crazy, impulsive, reckless (sometimes) I fly off the handle, say things that I should otherwise keep to myself and then I cowar, isolate, cry, take tantrums, it's all part of who I am.  For those of you who need to know it is normal to lose complete control of ones' self every so often.  It does not happen as frequently as it has in the past, I've gained some momentum and have been dealing with life on life's' terms unbeknownst to some who just look past all the blocks I have overcome.  Stop shutting down and blocking me out, it will only push me away.  An ideals list HA, or BAH HUMBUG rather. I have edited my ideals in the realization that if I want certain qualities to be present I must be willing to practice them myself and become who I seek and want in another.  So I work on that list daily for myself in hopes that I will overcome any and/all that ails my mind and my soul.  I hope that this brings some clarity to those who read my blog.  Just for clarity this helps me deal with me, not you or you or even you, just me.  Shows me where and when I go wrong and how often I do and don't.

October 4, 2011

Harvest moon?  Crisp leaves?  Cool winds and the change of seasons along with a change of heart!  I stand and watch the winds of change, and wonder when it will be my turn, my chance to flow lovingly with the leaves as they flutter to the ground waiting in anticipation for the frigid air to bring the frosty snow and bury them.  Hidden from sight, they sit dormant, waiting for spring so that they can continue their life cycle as they become one with the Earth, molding into the ground in hopes that new life will emerge.  Somewhat like myself, waiting for one cycle to end so that a new will emerge, it's a never ending story once again.  I continuously hold my head high in hopes that I feel deserving of true love, yet somehow I seem to fall to my knees in absolute dispair feeling less than worthy of anyone or anything.  Is it all my own doing?  I think fucking not.  I may be negative and dwell on the past, but for fuck sake, what the fuck?  I am sick and fucking tired of not getting what I want or need!  I am tired of settling and refuse to do so.  I am fucking hurting right now and it's all my own damn fault.  I'm immature, I'm unrealistic, I'm the one in the wrong, I'm my own worst enemy and I fucking know this.  What's next?  I'm fucking delusional, my thinking is fucking warped?  How's this, I think clear as fucking day now, not clouded.  I don't have some asshole telling me I'm wrong, or that my own thoughts aren't valid, or do I?  Hmmmm  It's all there, the back of my fucking head, holding me fucking hostage, why the fuck .

September 21, 2011

I have such a raging yearning to escape myself almost daily, that it overwhelms my every breathe.  How do I maintain my peace of mind throughout the course of another 'ordinary' day without losing control of myself, and feeding into the negativity that surrounds me?  I'm not saying that I surround myself with negativity, but yet am surrounded by such.  Do I attract the negative and disregard the positive?  I don't believe so.  I was beginning to think that my life was on a path unknown to me.  Once clouded not with negative thoughts but hopes and dreams, yet there is always that trickle of rage that attacks my soul and releases itself instantaneously.  Then again is it rage or something else I refuse to acknowledge, or have I acknowledged it and have no idea how to deal with it? Okay I do know how, but should I have to indulge others' in doing so?  I think fucking not.  I can own it, and I can be insecure, jealous, neurotic, eccentric, compassionate, loving, somewhat trusting, it's all a  part of my 'make~up'.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, loving exactly who I'm supposed to be loving, living life exactly how I'm supposed to be living it, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

September 13, 2011

Days are ticking by, sometimes slowly sometimes so fast my head seems to spin.  I'm not sure what to make of it most days and then there are those few moments of clarity. Not always crystal clear, but seemingly clear enough for me to catch a glimpse. In that one instant I see clearly then the fog rolls in and I'm just as confused as I was hours before.  Sometimes I confuse the hell out of myself.  I feel as though I can't make sense of the simplest of things.  I take things out of proportion and run like the wind with them.  Then it strikes again, it's clear, clear as the nose on my face clear.I haven't a clue what point I'm trying to make other than just expression through confusion.  I am confused, daily.

Life after Death...

I know death, I've tasted death, that duldrum I thought once to be life, turned out to be death.  I walked in the darkness, without direction, drinking my life away.  I had no purpose and wanted to kiss deaths' lips, to taste everlasting darkness for my own. I thought I was living life, but life was only passing me by, as I fear it does to this day on occassion, when I can't see past the end of my own nose. Death comes in many shapes and forms, and has many names, and death will meet his own demise, in his own time on his own terms.  I am no longer your scapegoat, nor have I ever truly been. 

Life...I am living life for I am in it, right here, right now.  I have a mind of my own, and am able to express myself freely and openly without reservation.  I don't hesitate to tell you constantly how you have changed my life, my world for that matter.  All that I have all that I possess, is nothing in comparison to the love that has healed this sick and suffering soul.  I had no soul, I was empty, I hated, I didn't know what love was.  Then, suddenly, I opened one eye and peered into a crowded room and saw, for the first time in my life I was able to see, without restrictions, I knew without a single doubtful thought passing through my mind that I would grow to love you, like none other has ever loved. I am loving life, with all of it's struggles and each mountain I ascend towards I know that on the other side you will be there.

September 11,2011

I suppose I should stop being so selfish (hahahahahahaha) and focus on the needs of others' more often, perhaps then I'd have a better understanding of 'LIFE". Being selfless is so much more rewarding or so they say.  WAIT A MINUTE!  I am selfless. I do in deed do for others' constantly.  FUCK!  What a mess of my life I've created huh?  I've been cleaning it up or so I thought little by little, and it seemed spotless, however it's been pointed out to me that I have tons of garbage that need disposing of.  If you can see it then your too fucking close.  Back the fuck off, let me clean because I don't want remnants of any sort left behind.  Mistakes?  Yes, I have made my fair share, doesn't mean I need to be punished constantly for them.  DAMN!  Enough already.  My rock is calling me so I am going to be there until the Earth settles.  I'm safe, can't say or do the wrong things, won't hurt another soul, so...YEAH...if anyone decides they NEED me that's where I'll be.  ALONE and AFRAID!  I've been alone long enough....FUCK!  I am the one standing in the crowded room, screaming on the top of my lungs, and no one hears my screams.  Why is that?  Do I not appeal to anyone?  Am I that horrible of a person?  WHY?  Why GOD?  I've been threw this before, not too long ago.  I need some answers, and I need them soon, before it's too late.   Is it me?  Damn it, I just want to love you, and shower you with affection.  Is that wrong of me. I need to feel wanted...not told that I am...Shown that I am needed....not
told that I am needed...am I being selfish in that as well? Am I not worthy, is that what it is?  Am I just talking to hear myself talk?  I'm so frustrated I can't do this anymore. While I'm on the subject, why don't I just shut my effin mouth, and leave well enough alone.  Life on lifes' terms...HA I love you, I loved you before I met you, this I know.

September 10, 2011

     It seems to be that when I make plans they are not important  because of something or another, not on my behalf.  Am I supposed to be okay with this or should I take it personally as I have done in the past?  Why must I put off what I want and need for others' constantly. Do my feelings not matter.  I do have feelings to ya know.  Oh, wait they are INSIGNIFICANT.  As insignificant as I am in the realm of all things great and small.  I try to do the next "RIGHT THING" but to no avail, come up with fists clenched, and when I open them they are empty, empty as always.  I put my life on the line, in hopes.  In hopes of what?  Just hope.  I have no strength left, courage is just another word, I can't continue like this.  I need to feel apart of life, not an outsider, or rather a player benched for the entire season.  I need communication, I need, I need, YES I NEED TOO. It will kill me, I feel the breathe on my neck and it's calling me, I can smell it's venom. It's powerful, deadly venom.  I have to keep myself busy, so fucking busy, get those thoughts out of my mind. 

     I've tried everything in my power to connect and nothing....I feel like a fucking failure in every facet of my lfe.  I'm not good for anyone.  I try to understand, I try to do the best I can and in return expect NOTHING.  I crave for so much yet set aside all of those cravings for others' as I've done.  I refuse to be left on the bench wondering what the game is all about.  I love with all of my heart today, yesterday and tomorrow.  I want my future to be filled with love, yet I am outcast.  I just don't understand, I can't come to grips with any of this.  I ask, and ask, I try to make myself available for others' constantly and yet I AM ALONE.  YES!  It is all about me.  I am scared to fucking death right now.

September7, 2011

     With hands clenched we shared our inner most fears and frustrations.  Never before would I have been able to tolerate let alone handle such truths.  I am growing, finally and I feel my own growth. It's as if my roots have been uplifted and I am able to move about and bear the fruit I have always dreamed of.  The past may have scarred me, but I will not lay victim today.  I am an empowered woman today not only because I was able to turn and walk away, but because I have the most beautiful people in my life.  I am continuously learning about myself and others'. 

     I now know what triggers' fits of rage, uncontrollable fits of rage.  I have to ask GOD to remove my thoughts at once otherwise all HELL is going to break lose, and I will wreak havoc on all, even the undeserving.  Although there are some whom I deem very well deserving of such rage, I have to remember that they too are sick fucking people and pray for them as well.  I have to pray for them?  FUCK!!!!!  I have to pray for those sick fucks?  God does work in mysterious ways that's a given.

     Now that, that has passed and I am re-centered I can think clearly once again.  Why can't I stay focused?  Why does my mind wander?  Why can't I just let people think what they will, and leave it at that?  Why do I always feel I'm the one being judged by others'?  WHAT THE FUCK!  I am NOT centered at ALL.  Breathing, breathing, still breathing, deep breathes, and it's not fucking working.  DAMN IT. What is it going to take today?  I need out of myself that's exactly what it is.  I need to get away from people, places and most definitely THINGS.  Things being those effin people and places.  I need to relocate myself not only figuratively but literally.  Pack up my shit and move.  Yea I know I'll be bringing myself with me, but I will not be bringing you, you or YOU with me.  Whewww... Still breathing deep breathes here. I think I've exhausted my inner resources.  My thoughts are scattered more than ever before, I can't make sense of them.  What the hell do I have to do?  UGHHHH!!!!!!   I am utterly frustrated, beyond frustrated, exasperated, spent, irritated all of 'em.  YES!  I am on the verge here folks.  Perhaps I can talk myself down from this infuriating high I've created all on my very own.  Deep breathe in....hold it.................deep breathe out.  AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  The shaking has subsided, and my breathing back to normal or close to it.   I wear myself out physically with this shit.  Thank you GOD! Thank you for giving me back a small amount of that strength, I needed that.  Thank you for allowing me the gift of gab in order to vent.  Thank you for allowing me to breathe those few breathes in order to recenter myself.  Thank you GOD for the man in my life.

September 6, 2011

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace

Drag my name all over the place.

I don't care anymore.

You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in

You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say

I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends

And it seems to me there's a means to and end.

They don't care anymore.

And as for me I can sit here and bide my time

I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.

I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say

We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore

Get out of my way

Let me by

I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say

'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself

And I don't care now what you say

Hey I'll do alright by myself

'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard

And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.

I don't care anymore.

And I really ain't bothered what you think of me

'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.

I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say

I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more

So get out of my way.

Let me by

I got better things to do with my time

I don't care anymore

D'you hear? I don't care anymore

I don't care no more

You listening? I don't care no more

No more!

You know I don't care no more!

August 28, 2011

Sometimes words are not enough and music speaks what the heart wants to hear and say.  Thus the reason for my last post...Phil Collins really pulls it all together and puts down in words then adds music to complete the emotion.  There you have it.  I love you.

August 28, 2011

Sitting listening to the rain, praying to God all are safe elsewhere, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness come over me instantaniously.  I woke, and you were gone. Was it something I said perhaps, did I not give you my undivided attention?  Whatever the reason may be, I feel alone.  Sad and alone.  I'll overcome this feeling of momentary lonliness and confusion, yes I will.  The most wonderful feeling is that of LOVE.  Feeling love, seeing it in the eyes of others' as they gaze into your eyes.  I have seen this before, but it was not for me, but others'.  I have NEVER really felt worthy of LOVE, let alone worthy of possessing such, in order to give to another.  I can tell you this much however;   I am capable of LOVE, giving and receiving, without any road blocks, no bricks, not a single one.  Those damn bricks have left scars, internal as well as external.  Physical pain is one thing but emotional?, FUCK! that tears at you constantly, until we can let go absolutely with the LOVE of another.  I have that, I've been letting go of the pain, the scars are becoming lessened over time, and knowing that I am loved as deeply as I love today, is speeding up that process.  I LOVE YOU.

August 24,2011

Sometimes I just have to sit back and laugh at life and all it's thrown at me, then it starts a fire inside of my soul, forcing me to move forward.  I realize that I may not have been the perfect person for some, but for another perhaps.  I've paid my dues, I've lived my own hell, caused others' to live that hell, and for that I sincerely appologize, I don't regret it yet I appologize.  I had to go through all that I have in order to be right where I am at this very moment.  ALIVE.  I am alive.  I am breathing, tasting, touching, arms stretched out, grasping for what is within my reach now.  I am who I am meant to be today.  The roads that were less traveled now have imprints on them from my own two feet.  I can only hope that another will see that it isn't the road less traveled today, tomorrow or whenever, and decide to take a path of their own. 

I have witnessed within myself a hatred that emerged from childhood, and followed me for all of those years.  I can now let that hatred sit on the sidelines, and watch in utter jealousy, whilst I move on.  I have moved on.  I was gone before I even realized it.  I have met the man that I want for always, and forever so he says.  I love him, unconditionally.  I am airing my laundry and not dirty laundry, laundry that has been maticulously washed, dried and folded.  Laundry that I am proud to call my own today.  I love you, with all of my heart and I hope you realize that.

August 22, 2011

It doesn't take much to get the wheels spinning out of control. I know first hand the damage that I might have caused had I not turned myself off completely.  I have to, I am in a dangerous emotionaly state right this very moment.  Jealousy is RAGING, uncontrollabley I feel a need to lash out but at whom?  MYSELF?  Fuck no, at everyone but myself, that's how it's always been, it's comfortable, or so I thought, until I started losing at my own game.  I lost myself first, then love, I lost the lust for life, I lost myself.  I can't go there tonight, I won't allow myself to, therefore I am putting down in the words, what it is that ails my psyche at this very moment.  I don't give a fuck who thinks what about these words, I do this for myself and myself alone.  FUNNY!  ALONE?  I feel alone.  I know, I hear it now, I'm always with you, you're never alone!  Then explain why it is I feel that or this way?  Hmmm I thought so.  I'm coming around slowly, still in a seriously dangerous emotional state, but I'm coming around.  I need to be fed to those wolves, every so often, to remind myself the misery I lived for so long, pretending and not taking into consideration anyone but my self.  I didn't care then, but now?  NOW, I DO CARE.  Much better.  Keeping my side of the street clean, that's all I can do.........................

August 21, 2011

Sometimes there is that one song, that captures you in the moment and it needs to be shared for all.  I can, today, hear the lyrics and feel the music, unlike days before.  It's a most wonderful feeling.  I have denied mysefl "TRUE" happiness, until now.  I have found that which I have sought for so many years, although I didn't really search it just seemed to appear.  LOVE.

August 20, 2011

     There's a certain feeling that becomes so overwhelmingly powerful that there aren't any words that have the remote capability to express them.  The past couple of days have been without words.  Feelings are coming full-circle and on occassion (rare occassion) I question them, and then again in the same thought process I set them to the side, for I know in my heart, I AM EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.  I have let go, for the most part, of my anger, however; it is still there festering as it always is, waiting as I know it does, for that one moment that I let my guard down.  I cannot succumb to it's grip, I have not been so happy, so full of absolute elation than I am at the present moment.  My life is moving forward, not stagnant, nor in reverse.  I am not cured by any means, and I don't second guess any longer the possibility of perhaps being cured. or released from the grasp of SATAN (the bottle) it's a daily task, and I need a dose of good medicine every chance I begin feeling those feelings of  hopelessness and worthlessness.  I still carry some of that with me daily.  Why ME?  What have I, that another doesn't?  I suppose those are questions that will remain unanswered forever.  Perhaps, even, I don't want an answer, that would be an absolution of sorts.  I do know that YOU, have brought more joy into my life, than I ever imagined acheivable.  I had in fact prepared, perhaps 20 years ago, myself for a long and lonely life.  Sure there were some whom I thought worthy in the very beginning, but as time carried on, as it always does, I was the one who deemed herself unworthy, and worthless, so I settled.  TODAY, I am not settling, I am happy, I have found that one, the one that makes me view life in different perspective, the one that allows me to be me (without a drink nonetheless)  I can say, in all honesty, with all of my heart and with every breathe that I take, I am IN LOVE with you, not you nor you, but YOU. 

I Have a Dream

Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast

August 14, 2011

     Sometimes, to include this weekend I don't possess the ability to express myself in a "sane" manner, yet instead it comes out in misdirected "everything".  Frustration to say the least over powers every other emotion, and I spew it in directions, I have no control over. FUCK. If I have ever had any regrets in my life, now is the time to fess up to such.  I push aside the ideals that you have placed before me, because I thought by setting aside the alcohol all would be cured.  Needless to say I didn't put into account any of the "past" having an effect on my present days, as I've forgotten in the most recent past.  It's neglect is what it is, on my behalf.  If I apologize for my actions I feel the fool, however; I owe you more than an apology, and at this point I am more afraid than ever before in my life of losing the "one" thing I hold close.  I gave you a part of me I will not ever get back.  Nor do I want back for that matter.

     You sit right next to me, and I, I'm shedding every last tear for today. I don't like who I become when my mind wanders off in directions that it shouldn't.  The silence is tearing me apart.  I want to crawl out of my own skin, and display it so no one , not a single soul need go through what it is I put myself and others' through. It's disgusting and I feel worthless.  Not that it's an unfamiliar feeling for me.  I believe I should listen to the voices of others', and you, that's scary too.  Every single flaw of mine is rearing it's face, so what the fuck?  They said the 1st year of sobriety was a gift!  REALLY? A fucking gift? I can't even control my fucking emotions and my actions/reactions, and this they call a gift?  I can't breathe, its' as though the air I'm trying to breathe in is that of my own mind.  It's stagnant and poisonous.  It's killing me slowly, and I'm not ready to die, or give up, not yet, not now.