October 4, 2011

Harvest moon?  Crisp leaves?  Cool winds and the change of seasons along with a change of heart!  I stand and watch the winds of change, and wonder when it will be my turn, my chance to flow lovingly with the leaves as they flutter to the ground waiting in anticipation for the frigid air to bring the frosty snow and bury them.  Hidden from sight, they sit dormant, waiting for spring so that they can continue their life cycle as they become one with the Earth, molding into the ground in hopes that new life will emerge.  Somewhat like myself, waiting for one cycle to end so that a new will emerge, it's a never ending story once again.  I continuously hold my head high in hopes that I feel deserving of true love, yet somehow I seem to fall to my knees in absolute dispair feeling less than worthy of anyone or anything.  Is it all my own doing?  I think fucking not.  I may be negative and dwell on the past, but for fuck sake, what the fuck?  I am sick and fucking tired of not getting what I want or need!  I am tired of settling and refuse to do so.  I am fucking hurting right now and it's all my own damn fault.  I'm immature, I'm unrealistic, I'm the one in the wrong, I'm my own worst enemy and I fucking know this.  What's next?  I'm fucking delusional, my thinking is fucking warped?  How's this, I think clear as fucking day now, not clouded.  I don't have some asshole telling me I'm wrong, or that my own thoughts aren't valid, or do I?  Hmmmm  It's all there, the back of my fucking head, holding me fucking hostage, why the fuck .