August 20, 2011

     There's a certain feeling that becomes so overwhelmingly powerful that there aren't any words that have the remote capability to express them.  The past couple of days have been without words.  Feelings are coming full-circle and on occassion (rare occassion) I question them, and then again in the same thought process I set them to the side, for I know in my heart, I AM EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE.  I have let go, for the most part, of my anger, however; it is still there festering as it always is, waiting as I know it does, for that one moment that I let my guard down.  I cannot succumb to it's grip, I have not been so happy, so full of absolute elation than I am at the present moment.  My life is moving forward, not stagnant, nor in reverse.  I am not cured by any means, and I don't second guess any longer the possibility of perhaps being cured. or released from the grasp of SATAN (the bottle) it's a daily task, and I need a dose of good medicine every chance I begin feeling those feelings of  hopelessness and worthlessness.  I still carry some of that with me daily.  Why ME?  What have I, that another doesn't?  I suppose those are questions that will remain unanswered forever.  Perhaps, even, I don't want an answer, that would be an absolution of sorts.  I do know that YOU, have brought more joy into my life, than I ever imagined acheivable.  I had in fact prepared, perhaps 20 years ago, myself for a long and lonely life.  Sure there were some whom I thought worthy in the very beginning, but as time carried on, as it always does, I was the one who deemed herself unworthy, and worthless, so I settled.  TODAY, I am not settling, I am happy, I have found that one, the one that makes me view life in different perspective, the one that allows me to be me (without a drink nonetheless)  I can say, in all honesty, with all of my heart and with every breathe that I take, I am IN LOVE with you, not you nor you, but YOU.