Revisited.....

I realize the impact I have on others' daily, but not once took into consideration the impact I had on myself and my emotional state of being.  I listen intently to all that others' have to say, and absorb most if not all, then remove what doesn't pertain to me and store the rest allowing it to fester.  Fester indeed!  I allow myself to build a grand explosion of emotion and all at once it erupts and I spew flames and corrosion in every direction not being thoughtful to others at all.  I pay the price as I have always done, and it breaks me down, slowly, until I am once again standing on the edge waiting for that last shove, to throw me overboard.  Why don't I see these things before they appear?  What the FUCK is wrong with me?  I hate myself today.  I frantically made phone calls in order to save my own life earlier, the one person that I needed to talk to the most is unavailable to me.  I am scared to DEATH.  I know he's right there on the other side of that door, waiting for the right moment, when I am at my weakest and throw open the door. He will be waiting with hungry eyes, to devour me as he has done in the past. He is Satan, he will be my demise if I don't learn how to control myself.  I can't allow him to control me.  I need to talk, I need to express no matter the cost.  Why is it that I am always seemingly in the wrong?  Am I sabotaging my own life?  Perhaps I need to say what's on my mind at the very moment any insecurities emerge, prior to speculation of my own doing.  I thought I was able to step beyond the childish behaviors I still, obviously, possess.  Apparently not.  I am an alcoholic and am work in progress.  I claim progress not  PERFECTION.  I don't want perfection either.  I've been drinking and abusing myself for a long time, and ridding myself of old behaviors isn't going to take place in less than a fucking year.  I have to continue to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Fuck I hate those cliches, but they work.  They are somehow soothing actually.  I'm pissed, I feel misunderstood, rejected, neglected, alone, afraid, angry, selfish, shit I'm a ball of fricken emotion.  Damn it.  Why can't I just be fucking HAPPY?  Why do I have to be me, can't someone else be me?  I'm confused damn.  Love... is it just a word to be thrown around?  I thought it was a feeling, a sense of security, knowing no matter what you can be you, or I can be me.  I can confide, and trust, kick and scream, cry uncontrollably and still be loved.  A bond not to be taken lightly. Penguins know love...they mate for life.  It's beautiful knowing that.  The pebble and the penguin, how wonderful a thought, that your mate would search the seas over for that perfect pebble and present it to you, and upon acceptance you are one, for all eternity.  What a crock of shit when it comes to us though.  It's a wonderful thought, while it lasts.  I want that kind of love, I have that, I need that.  I need compassion, and understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me down when I feel all hope is gone.  I don't want a fairy tale, I want to write my own.  Can't you see?  I am just a girl, scared, confused standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, with all of her imperfections, not to be ignored, nor neglected..