Sometimes, to include this weekend I don't possess the ability to express myself in a "sane" manner, yet instead it comes out in misdirected "everything". Frustration to say the least over powers every other emotion, and I spew it in directions, I have no control over. FUCK. If I have ever had any regrets in my life, now is the time to fess up to such. I push aside the ideals that you have placed before me, because I thought by setting aside the alcohol all would be cured. Needless to say I didn't put into account any of the "past" having an effect on my present days, as I've forgotten in the most recent past. It's neglect is what it is, on my behalf. If I apologize for my actions I feel the fool, however; I owe you more than an apology, and at this point I am more afraid than ever before in my life of losing the "one" thing I hold close. I gave you a part of me I will not ever get back. Nor do I want back for that matter.
You sit right next to me, and I, I'm shedding every last tear for today. I don't like who I become when my mind wanders off in directions that it shouldn't. The silence is tearing me apart. I want to crawl out of my own skin, and display it so no one , not a single soul need go through what it is I put myself and others' through. It's disgusting and I feel worthless. Not that it's an unfamiliar feeling for me. I believe I should listen to the voices of others', and you, that's scary too. Every single flaw of mine is rearing it's face, so what the fuck? They said the 1st year of sobriety was a gift! REALLY? A fucking gift? I can't even control my fucking emotions and my actions/reactions, and this they call a gift? I can't breathe, its' as though the air I'm trying to breathe in is that of my own mind. It's stagnant and poisonous. It's killing me slowly, and I'm not ready to die, or give up, not yet, not now.
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