December 30, 2011

Tis' the eve of the Eve of all Eve's to come.  The ringing in of another New Year is upon me, and this one just as the last I presume I will be spending it alone, but only time will tell!  Another sober New Years' Eve?  Ughhh, what I wouldn't give to have just one drink.  I know however; that one will turn into an endless journey of absolute drunkenness and I will be right back where I was.  A useless, hopeless, worthless woman and mother.  Do I really want to have one drink, or do I just need to focus on the future and all the good (so I've been told) that awaits me?  I think this too shall pass.  Those fucking cliches that tug at my gut are somewhat more appropriate today than days before.  It's high time I start fucking living my life in the present instead of the past.  I'm sick of dwelling on all that once was.  I know what my heart desires and it's right there at my fingertips for the taking if only I can let go.  I've pleaded and begged for guidance and I realize right this very moment that the only guidance I need is found within myself.  It's a burning desire to live, laugh and love, and rightfully so. I deserve that much, don't I?