It's an absolute catastrophe when I finally realized that I am by no means happy with the direction my life has taken me. It's hell working at a dead end job, juggling paychecks just trying to make ends meet, and still find the little extra for my children. Why does it seem the harder I work, the longer the days seem, the less I have to show for it. I'm sick and tired of this life already, time for drastic measures. If I'm going to be anything or achieve a fucking thing I need to step outside of "the box" so to speak. I've become complacent and have settled into something that is by no means "ME". I'm drained daily, both physically and emotionally. Some days I wonder more often than not what the fuck my purpose in life is...am I meant to struggle for the rest of my days? Will I ever see that "silver lining" that others' have told me about? It's killing me, knowing that I've been working my fucking ass off for nothing. I don't benefit from it, I never have. I've always been the caretaker of others' and it's high time I put an end to all of it, but HOW? It takes all that I possess to get my ass up most mornings and make the trip just to wallow in self-loathing pity. YES....pity, I pity myself, I can, it's my fucking prerogative. I guess if I think about it, I can do whatever the fuck I want. FUCK! Why haven't I told myself this before. Why haven't I realized before this that I am worth more than I settle for? What have I been thinking all of these years and for that matter what the fuck is wrong with me for thinking I needed to settle. I used to have dreams and goals that I was intent on striving for. I lost sight of them, and myself. With a little help from a certain someone I am realizing that I no longer need to settle, that my life is worth much more than I realize. I will be moving forward and those that are willing to trudge the road less traveled with me will be a part of my life for always. I will no longer stand in the corner while the rest of the fucking world lives life, laughing and loving. I want love, but do I truly know how to achieve such. Do I know how to love for that matter? I've set aside my own desires and needs for the sake of others for too fucking long now, I will not allow myself to be their prey. If this is to be the road less traveled for me, then I will walk it by candle light.
I've asked myself for years what it is I see when I see my reflection looking back at me, and to this day I am not sure I am prepared to answer that question. Perhaps, the uncertainty of who I am supposed to be is clouding that mirrored image. The insanity of it all is rather amusing at times although tears not laughter may be present, I still find a moment in every day to perhaps just giggle. Not that I'm giggling because I am overjoyed but overwhelmed with the outcome of certain situations. I wonder, will I ever learn. There's alot of uncertainty I'm experiencing right this very moment, and it's frustrating. Uncertainty about myself about my future. I worry and I worry a lot. I'm frightened most days, fuck, I'm scared to death most days. I still wish I could hide behind my mothers' skirt, and pretend that I was invisible, I felt safe there. Life was simple then, and somehow, somewhere that safety net was gone, like it was torn from my grasp, that's the day I began to understand FEAR.
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