September7, 2011

     With hands clenched we shared our inner most fears and frustrations.  Never before would I have been able to tolerate let alone handle such truths.  I am growing, finally and I feel my own growth. It's as if my roots have been uplifted and I am able to move about and bear the fruit I have always dreamed of.  The past may have scarred me, but I will not lay victim today.  I am an empowered woman today not only because I was able to turn and walk away, but because I have the most beautiful people in my life.  I am continuously learning about myself and others'. 

     I now know what triggers' fits of rage, uncontrollable fits of rage.  I have to ask GOD to remove my thoughts at once otherwise all HELL is going to break lose, and I will wreak havoc on all, even the undeserving.  Although there are some whom I deem very well deserving of such rage, I have to remember that they too are sick fucking people and pray for them as well.  I have to pray for them?  FUCK!!!!!  I have to pray for those sick fucks?  God does work in mysterious ways that's a given.

     Now that, that has passed and I am re-centered I can think clearly once again.  Why can't I stay focused?  Why does my mind wander?  Why can't I just let people think what they will, and leave it at that?  Why do I always feel I'm the one being judged by others'?  WHAT THE FUCK!  I am NOT centered at ALL.  Breathing, breathing, still breathing, deep breathes, and it's not fucking working.  DAMN IT. What is it going to take today?  I need out of myself that's exactly what it is.  I need to get away from people, places and most definitely THINGS.  Things being those effin people and places.  I need to relocate myself not only figuratively but literally.  Pack up my shit and move.  Yea I know I'll be bringing myself with me, but I will not be bringing you, you or YOU with me.  Whewww... Still breathing deep breathes here. I think I've exhausted my inner resources.  My thoughts are scattered more than ever before, I can't make sense of them.  What the hell do I have to do?  UGHHHH!!!!!!   I am utterly frustrated, beyond frustrated, exasperated, spent, irritated all of 'em.  YES!  I am on the verge here folks.  Perhaps I can talk myself down from this infuriating high I've created all on my very own.  Deep breathe in....hold it.................deep breathe out.  AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  The shaking has subsided, and my breathing back to normal or close to it.   I wear myself out physically with this shit.  Thank you GOD! Thank you for giving me back a small amount of that strength, I needed that.  Thank you for allowing me the gift of gab in order to vent.  Thank you for allowing me to breathe those few breathes in order to recenter myself.  Thank you GOD for the man in my life.