August 22, 2011

It doesn't take much to get the wheels spinning out of control. I know first hand the damage that I might have caused had I not turned myself off completely.  I have to, I am in a dangerous emotionaly state right this very moment.  Jealousy is RAGING, uncontrollabley I feel a need to lash out but at whom?  MYSELF?  Fuck no, at everyone but myself, that's how it's always been, it's comfortable, or so I thought, until I started losing at my own game.  I lost myself first, then love, I lost the lust for life, I lost myself.  I can't go there tonight, I won't allow myself to, therefore I am putting down in the words, what it is that ails my psyche at this very moment.  I don't give a fuck who thinks what about these words, I do this for myself and myself alone.  FUNNY!  ALONE?  I feel alone.  I know, I hear it now, I'm always with you, you're never alone!  Then explain why it is I feel that or this way?  Hmmm I thought so.  I'm coming around slowly, still in a seriously dangerous emotional state, but I'm coming around.  I need to be fed to those wolves, every so often, to remind myself the misery I lived for so long, pretending and not taking into consideration anyone but my self.  I didn't care then, but now?  NOW, I DO CARE.  Much better.  Keeping my side of the street clean, that's all I can do.........................