December 29, 2011

Once again my old friend..."NEGATIVITY", has taken hold, wrapped it's claws deep into my flesh, and for some unbeknown reason will not loosen his grasp.  The talons are ripping me to shreds, unlike anything I've experienced.  I am scared to death that I'm going to lose all that has been bestowed upon me, including my own self.  There is no other way to describe the overwhelming feeling that has taken control, it's absolute FEAR...I know how I used to deal with these bottled up emotions, I drank myself into oblivion until I could no longer feel anything, I was indeed comfortably numb.  I'm afraid to go back there.  I'm afraid of success, failure, joy, laughter, happiness, love.  It all scares the shit out of me.  I've known misery for so fucking long, it's going to take time, much time for me to realize that not everyone is out to get me, or wanting to hurt me in some way.  I'm accustomed to that as well, hence the reason for so few that are close to me.  Some days I lose the will to live, and yet I find something to hold onto so as not to fall deeper into darkness.  I'm half-way there, and occasionally I feel the rope slip threw my hands, leaving burns that peel flesh that's oh so soft not from my hands but my soul.  I am so tired of MISERY taking control.  How the HELL can I rid myself completely of her (MISERY)? She's a vicious bitch and I've about had all I can take.  I have to move forward before I lose everything, including YOU!  Will somebody please, please help me?