October 5, 2011

It's a burning desire for sure, or so they say.  I should let things "unfold" as they may, however; I want to know what, how, why, when and where.  It's all a matter of putting my life into perspective, and knowing these things helps me along the way.  I have direction when I am made aware of the hows' and whys' of every situation, everything can be put into place and dealt with equally. Equality is the fucking key word here, without it there is nothing to hang on to.  Common courtesy I expect without reservation.  It's not an option and if it's too difficult to digest than so be it. I can go on tirades if I want to, especially when I FEEL I'm being done wrong or indifferent, I don't expect the world to be handed to me, but there are guidelines as old as the sun, after all it and they existed long before you and I. Am I embarrassed?  FUCK NO I AM NOT!  I say what needs to be said and perhaps sometimes more than necessary.  Do I regret?  NOPE NOT THAT EITHER. Does the need supersede the want?  Perhaps in more ways than one, however; I feel that I am deserving of the utmost of respect.  I should have what I need and then some.  I bust my ass at a dead end job (I love what I do) for what?  Solitude is all I ever wanted, peace and harmony, perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places for such things, I thought I was embarking on something so great and so wonderful that I would never have that empty feeling come over me again, but it's there.  It lingers in the corners of my soul. I have dealt with the emotional abuse, the fucking lies, the betrayal, all of it, and I no longer possess the ability to endure that kind of fucking bullshit. If I need to elaborate on this then I most certainly will, GOD knows I am long winded and argumentative as I've been told.  What will it take for others' to understand that my need to be emotionally attached is greater than all else, and that I NEED and I DESIRE another who will be available to me.  I've been witness to my own emotional wreckage, it creeps up on me as it loves to do, and takes complete hold of every other emotion involved, there is no controlling it, if there were I would.  I have outbursts, I am crazy, impulsive, reckless (sometimes) I fly off the handle, say things that I should otherwise keep to myself and then I cowar, isolate, cry, take tantrums, it's all part of who I am.  For those of you who need to know it is normal to lose complete control of ones' self every so often.  It does not happen as frequently as it has in the past, I've gained some momentum and have been dealing with life on life's' terms unbeknownst to some who just look past all the blocks I have overcome.  Stop shutting down and blocking me out, it will only push me away.  An ideals list HA, or BAH HUMBUG rather. I have edited my ideals in the realization that if I want certain qualities to be present I must be willing to practice them myself and become who I seek and want in another.  So I work on that list daily for myself in hopes that I will overcome any and/all that ails my mind and my soul.  I hope that this brings some clarity to those who read my blog.  Just for clarity this helps me deal with me, not you or you or even you, just me.  Shows me where and when I go wrong and how often I do and don't.