November 11, 2011

I can't be certain but I believe I took a breathe yesterday.  I can't give specifics because I'm not sure the time of day it was or if in fact I was even conscious at that moment.  I can say I see through different eyes today.  Not of my own clouded and obscured eyes, I am not worthy of a happy and healthy relationship, it's quite apparent. It's not written in the STARS for ME.  I thought maybe I was, but I can now reassure myself that I do more damage than good for everyone, even my own children. Words were thrown back and forth and some more hurtful than others and I have been struggling to swallow tiny pieces and wondering all the while if in fact I am all of those things that others' say I am.  Perhaps I put blinders on in fear.  Fear of relinquishing my shell and feeling completely exposed. It has taken hold of me. Fear that others' are right about me, and that I truly am not worthy.  I feel completely alone.  I am alone.  I stand alone.  I have only myself to depend on, to blame for all that takes place daily, no one but ME.  FUCK ME!  I hate myself, I've always hated myself.  I guess I'm meant to be alone, but I just don't understand why!  WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE SO TERRIBLY FUCKING WRONG THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF MY LIFE THAT I NEED TO LIVE IN ABSOLUTE EMOTIONAL MISERY ....  CONSTANTLY?  WHAT?  Can someone fucking tell me?  I'm tired, too tired to fight!  I have nothing left to give.  I am empty and I am allowing all those demons back in.  They know me like none other does.  I am comfortable with them.  They dictate my life, at least I had meaningless direction then.  Why bother being sober, why bother TRYING to change.  Who really gives a FUCK in the end?  I'm tired of fighting with myself, my thoughts, I'm tired of trying to please others', I'm tired of being emotional, I gave my all, I've tried to change, and the little I have isn't good enough for others'.  I don't have a magic wand, I can't swing it in the air and be perfect.  I am far from perfect and you know what?  I like being imperfect, defines my character, gives me depth.  All that I have endured has brought me to this very moment in time.  The time where I realize I really am not meant for LOVE.  I felt it, and so I know what true love is now, I should just be satisfied with knowing that I was able to truly love another.  It's as painful as a jagged rock, tearing at my skin, but this pain is deep, and intense.  I have cried myself to sleep for 3 nights, I cannot even think straight.  I lost the one thing that brought me joy.