It seems to be that when I make plans they are not important because of something or another, not on my behalf. Am I supposed to be okay with this or should I take it personally as I have done in the past? Why must I put off what I want and need for others' constantly. Do my feelings not matter. I do have feelings to ya know. Oh, wait they are INSIGNIFICANT. As insignificant as I am in the realm of all things great and small. I try to do the next "RIGHT THING" but to no avail, come up with fists clenched, and when I open them they are empty, empty as always. I put my life on the line, in hopes. In hopes of what? Just hope. I have no strength left, courage is just another word, I can't continue like this. I need to feel apart of life, not an outsider, or rather a player benched for the entire season. I need communication, I need, I need, YES I NEED TOO. It will kill me, I feel the breathe on my neck and it's calling me, I can smell it's venom. It's powerful, deadly venom. I have to keep myself busy, so fucking busy, get those thoughts out of my mind.
I've tried everything in my power to connect and nothing....I feel like a fucking failure in every facet of my lfe. I'm not good for anyone. I try to understand, I try to do the best I can and in return expect NOTHING. I crave for so much yet set aside all of those cravings for others' as I've done. I refuse to be left on the bench wondering what the game is all about. I love with all of my heart today, yesterday and tomorrow. I want my future to be filled with love, yet I am outcast. I just don't understand, I can't come to grips with any of this. I ask, and ask, I try to make myself available for others' constantly and yet I AM ALONE. YES! It is all about me. I am scared to fucking death right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment