December 28,2011

     Some say that a light may suddenly appear and all of the questions that have been so daunting will come to pass.  However; I don't see it that way.  I've had that light shed upon me, and it hurts like hell, almost as if a knife with jagged edges is being twisted deeper into my soul.  The pain of realization is much like that of a brutal beating, which I have endured many of, both emotionally and physically.  I cannot allow myself to fall prey today, tomorrow not ever.  My character has been lost in all of the lies that I had lived, all of the dreams I've had were just that....DREAMS.... I thought that life was going to treat me with kindness and love, yet I somehow was swayed in the opposite direction of kindness and all of those dreams that once were, were thrown to the wayside like garbage.  I admit I had some doing in all of the tossing of my own dreams, yet not completely.  I cannot place blame on others' yet they are aware the damages done, and for me to forgive, is inconceivable.  I try daily to please most everyone, certain individuals more so than others' in hopes that I might rid myself of some of the guilt that haunts me.  The more effort I place on pleasing others' the less of a being I become.  It's robotic almost.

     I want to live a life that's full of LOVE...whatever LOVE is....wherever it may take me, I want that.  

     I'm tired of being pushed and shoved in directions I have no desire to face. I need to make my own paths and travel the directions that I wish to without influences.  I can accept guidance and the occasional constructive criticism however the verbal beat downs, and physical as well as emotional abuse are no longer going to be welcomed.  I will not roll out the welcome mat and accept it, I can't.  It's too fucking painful.  Find another victim.  I will not lie down and pretend that I no longer feel, I will not be trampled nor will I be devoured by others' hateful and hurtful words, for they too cut like knives.  I have scars, physical scars, emotional scars that are daily reminders of where I've been and what I've lived through.  I cannot endure another day as those days before. I realize also that some may see me as a careless and thoughtless mother, and those that view me in those ways are clueless.  You don't know what I have lived through, what I have been witness to, how much pain I endured both physically and emotionally.  For that matter unless one asks...NO ONE KNOWS ME!