December 29, 2010

A driving force...misery...a driving force...misery...a driving force.  I have a certain driving force, this I am certain of.  Perhaps it's my own vise or something that I am completely unaware of, but whatever it may be, I am grateful for such.  Struggling with myself lately, deciphering my thoughts in order to make complete sense of them, if in fact any sense at all can be made.  You see, I've allowed too many too often the ability to manipulate and twist my thoughts into their own, forcing me to have such obscure vision that I couldn't see what lied right in front of me.  I've overlooked so much in such a short period of time, and wasted a lot of years perfecting just that.  I am however; looking over the dashboard (figuratively) and viewing perhaps for the very first time with clear eyes, what other's have been seeing their entire lives.  Why is it that I couldn't see all of this, all of this beauty that other's possess?  Why did it take me so long to arrive?  Why do I keep getting in my own way?  Do I not want to be surrounded by the sounds of laughter daily?  What is it and why does it always find me?  I have run for years, given myself stiff necks because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of what may be following me, and these are only some of the side effects of being completely and utterly overwhelmed by a force unknown to all mankind.  What the f@#*!!  I need to step outside of myself, most days, and view what lies ahead then step back in and focus completely in order to stay on track, because it will only take a minuscule moment in time for me to revert back to what I'm comfortable with.   FUCK!!!  That's it!!!  Comfort!! I find comfort in misery, why the hell didn't I realize that years ago?  Why?  Seriously now, I just realized that I truly find comfort in being miserable and surrounding myself with other's that are in complete misery.  FUCK YOU MISERY!  WOMAN OVERBOARD! WOW!  I can not even contemplate my own reasoning for being so persistent and staying put in it for all of these years.  Finally, it's all beginning to make complete sense to me.  I don't regret what I've done, where I've been, how I got to where I am at this very moment, I am elated actually.  An eye opener to be exact, I will no longer be miserable.  I will wipe everything off of my shoulders' and leave it lying wherever it lands for other's (whomever they may be) to scoop up and deal with on their own, their own terms, they can stay in their misery I am walking away, finally.

December 23, 2010

Sitting and sulking does me absolutely no justice, and yet it truly is one thing that I do so well, and in doing so I create such magical havoc for myself in my mind, it ceases to amaze me.  I have allowed for too f#@*ing long, others' to manipulate my thought process telling me it's black when I know damn well it's white.  It creeps up on me in the most peculiar hours of any given day, and I embrace it knowing full well what the outcome is going to be.  I hate myself most days for continuing to allow it to control me, but I don't know how to overcome this mind-controlling dimension, that I've come oh so familiar with, and perhaps find comfort in.  I do not trust well, and the reasons I'm certain are clear if you've been following me for these few months.  I have grown numb and show absolutely no emotion while in the presence of some and yet with other's I may have thought I found a sanctuary, but obviously I was mistaken once again.  I felt safe if only for a moment.  Those moments don't last very long, and then I'm back to where I was once again, looking myself in the eyes wondering when it's all going to come together.  When will all of this pain that I've caused myself subside?  Why does it carve MY name is the strangest of places.  Will this vicious cycle ever end, or will I allow it to continue.  Fuck if I know.  I want to be able to embrace something tangible I want to call something my own, of course I do, just like those who already have what I want.  It's odd how people come and go in my life, they've all served some sort of purpose, some served well and other's I've tossed to the wayside because I didn't feel the need for them, and you know there is a lesson to be learned in letting go of those you feel you don't need.  I can't tell anyone what it might be because I'm still searching myself.  If it's soul searching than so be it, and if not then let it be as well.  Contradictory?  Why yes I am!  Thank you to those of you whom have noticed.  However; I speak the truth, I'm not holding anything back, there are no lies tangled up in these lines unlike some.  Two days til' Christmas and I feel lost, alone, ashamed, angry, hurt, tired, abused, empty of any and all emotions.  I neglect to tell those that mean the most to me that they do.  I'm afraid of being myself, I'm afraid of making new friends, or trying to hold onto the ones' I already have.  I envy those that smile constantly, and live their lives the way I want to; happy.  Some day soon I hear too often, some day soon I too will be happy.  I certainly hope so.  I was just saying to someone that I am in fact miserable and I don't like being here alone, so I infect others' with MY misery.  I actually never thought about it.  I've heard the cliche, I live by that cliche, "Misery loves company", well fuck if misery loves company and I am aboard the Good Ship Misery then apparently I need to throw myself overboard, to save others'. 

December 22, 2010

So as this Christmas tree stands alone I do as well...I have chosen to do so on my own.  Only those that are trust worthy will be allowed into my life now.   I have very few that I rely on when in need, and they are aware that they are the chosen few, not necessarily chosen by me, but chosen nonetheless.

I believe that I can overcome most obstacles that are placed before me, or that perhaps I place in my path intentionally, however; I will not have my soul trampled on by others' that have proven to be insignificant at this point in my life.  Perhaps I'm moving along to quickly in order to absorb all that is necessary, but I don't think so.  I am aware of certain strengths that I possess (once again) and I am not willing to allow those to subside either.  I am on a journey of a lifetime and it will continue, and I will go on with or without.

December 21, 2010

I realize that I am one of those who aims to please others’ at any expense.  Though I also realize I have neglected my own needs in order to pacify that of others’, I am no longer in the position to grant your wishes accordingly, only mine. Maybe I have treated others’ poorly as well, what’s done cannot be undone.  Perhaps that seems a little selfish and if so, “too bad”.  I will not be second to anyone or anything, any longer.  I want to be on the front-line, not the firing line.  I want to be lavished with love, a love so divine it speaks words I have yet to hear, and its arms embrace me so longingly it takes my breath away, something only heard of in storybooks.  I have indeed read and re-read those very tales.  I not only want to read about “love” I want to experience “love”, true love.

December 20, 2010

Yet another day has come and gone and today unlike days before was indeed a trying one. Who do you trust when your eyes have finally been cleared of the cobwebs that once lingered there, blurring your vision, distorting all of the realities you (I) once thought to be true. How insignificant you all have become, or perhaps you have been and only able to realize that now with clear and obscured vision. I know that you know I'm not speaking only of sight with the eyes, but with the heart, mind and soul, and if you did however; then shame on you. I've decided that I am the most important person in my life, then my children, and after that...I'm not quite certain anymore. I used to know, I used to be sure of myself, of my mind or so I thought, but perhaps I was fooled once again. FUCK ME! I know I was fooled, how ignorant of me. HA HA HA...not any more though. I am well aware of myself, my surroundings, where I've been and exactly where it is that I am going. I need to be right where I am right at this very moment, I'm learning a lesson by committing myself to staying in this very spot. It's certainly not a requirement that I stay where I am, because I don't belong here, it's a lesson as I just stated. A lesson that I've been learning and being taught time and time again, only now am I able to comprehend in it's entirety exactly what that lesson is. I will not allow myself fall prey again...

December 16, 2010

So the soul searching continues or so it seems.  Am I in fact searching for my soul, or rather my identity?  I know I lost myself somewhere along that long, lonely path, that is now overgrown because I choose not to venture out there alone, without myself that is.  If one person were to ask what I meant by venturing without myself I would indeed tell them this...I have been without myself for better than 20 years, and the roads I have traveled have been lonely, I've pushed and shoved people out of my path and my life for that matter, not realizing the impact.  Loneliness is not so uncommon for me, you know the sitting in a crowded room as I've said so many times before and screaming so loud your throat hurts, yet no one, not a single individual hears your screams.  If one did, why did they not seek me out, why not hold my hand and point me in the direction I needed to be heading, why allow me to continue to reek havoc in my own life and the lives of those closest to me...why?  I can only give a partial answer and that being, I need to depend on me, lean on myself for a while, discover or rediscover who it is that I am, and what potentials I possess.  The past few months have been the most trying yet enlightening at the same time.  I find myself being drawn to those that possess none of the qualities in a person otherwise thought acceptable, by my standards of course.  Why the hell have I been so judgemental all of these years, or is it that I have been looking through the mirror instead of into it and seeing what I dislike in myself in others?  Hmmm...now that's a deep question if ever a question I've contemplated before, and that I will certainly ponder from this moment on until I figure it out on my own.  I am seeing people for who they are, not what I thought them to be, or better yet what I wanted them to be and not to exclude myself here either.  I carry much guilt for being such a judgemental person, which I have no business being.  GOD is the only one who has been given that kind of authority, and I by no means am GOD.  Perfection I strive for but I haven't reached it or so I don't believe I have.  So I will continue to trudge down different paths in search of myself, and perhaps someday soon I will discover what some say I already know.  It could very well be I'm afraid I might like myself and then there would be no more reasons for all of the self-loathing and self-pitying I am so good at.  We will see today is a new day and I am looking forward to what it brings...

December 3, 2010

I've noticed my senses coming back to life, something very unfamiliar I might add. I've also discovered that most are only concerned for themselves.  It;s all a matter of what they can gain from others not taking into consideration how it makes those people that they're using for personal gain feel.  It's disgusting actually, and as far as I can see the can all "GO F@#*  THEMSELVES.  You are no longer welcome in my life because I don't need you.  "WAIT!" I've never needed you, it's all an elusion.  So now I'm seeking sincerity, not false advertisments, or bullshit, so keep your mouths shut and move the f@#* on.  I'm looking for my own spirituality, something that is definitely amiss in my life or so I've been told recently, and quite often.  Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what (spirituality) it is or where to begin looking.  Fearless inventory, are you kidding me?  There is no such thing as a fearless, I am fearful, why take an inventory of myself, I know my old ways oh so well, and I'm comfortable there.  However; I want to sprout those damn wings (cliche)  and fly out of my shell.  I am only a pawn, and there isn't going to be any 'check mate' called out in this game of life.  "Change or Die",doesn't seem like a difficult decision to make to most, but apparently I was on a roll, and had no where else to go but a grave and oh "Hell NO", I'm not ready to die, I haven't even begun to live.

November 12, 2010

So it seems I am taking the road "less traveled".  I presume it's safe to say I have absolutely no direction at this point, only hopes that I am building on my future by making myself stronger daily.  I do have the strength of a thousand men, I know this.  My shoulders some days do seem weighted down, but I carry on nonetheless.

October 4, 2010

There is an incredible feeling of self loathing coming over me today as in the days prior, for weeks I sit and stew every time this year it all consumes me completely.  Not allowing myself the ability to let go of my past is without hesitation killing me, perhaps not physically but emotionally and spiritually.  I push everyone to include my ownself away, I don't recall days where I have felt genuine happiness, and knowing that it is attainable I can't seem to grasp reality and move forward.  I visited "you" the other day and I felt a heart warming sense of relief upon my departure, however empty and lonely I feel now is my own doing I presume, it shouldn't be this way but yet it is still.  I'm not certain if I know how to let go or where to begin, I don't like who I have become and yet knowingly continue to bathe in this pitty port so to speak.  I do not know for how long I have been here or how much longer I am able to remain, I know only this...get the FUCK out of my head and leave me the HELL alone.

September 1, 2010

So begins yet another long month...I dread September...even more so the month of October...not for any other reason then this...On September 30, 1989, which by the way was a Sunday, I found myself working as I had always done, freshly graduated from high school, my whole life was in front of me or so I thought. My dreams were wild and very much alive then. The phone rings at work and it's for me, who the 'HELL' would be calling me at this ever so dreary job at this hour of the day? I answer the call, only to hear a cry (almost falling to my knees) I listened carefully to the words that were spoken to me..."Kelly, Gina was in an accident, you have to come to the hospital NOW!" With that being said I gathered my belongings and began a trip that was only 5 minutes but somehow seemed to drag on to the ends of the Earth, upon arrival I was greeted by a familiar face and told it doesn't look good. "FUCK ME" I thought, I trecked ever so gloomily to the floor I was directed to go to, and upon exiting the elevator my worst fears had become an ever so familiar horrifying dream that which plays upon me constantly. "We lost her!" What the fuck do you mean you lost her? How can you lose something so precious, a human life, a best-friend, where did she go? Why? I still to this very day recall my every step, every emotion, every breath, everything, it's as though it's happening again and again and again. I've tried with all of my might to 'let go and let God' yet it seems the harder I try to do such a thing I stumble and fall. I would have given my life for her, and I know that she is very well aware of that. I am more grateful today for my family (mom, Traci) for without the two of them I would surely be lost as well...The pain from that day never lets up, yet I strive with all of my might to move forward as slowly as I've been going for the past 20 something years, I am still moving forward. Thank you to those of you who have stood by me, and let me fall, and get up again time and time and time again. I love you all. This is for you...

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me


If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me-e, yeah


Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me, oh now now stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darlin', darlin', stand by me-e, stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

August 23, 2010

I had the most wonderful of all weekends watching and observing my 14 year old daughter become one of God's children. She was indeed the most stunning and breathtaking vision I have ever seen, however; I felt as though I was losing her at the same time. Perhaps it's the way I have gone about behaving and interacting with my children that brings me to this feeling, nonetheless it was there, strong and heartwrenching to say the least, I made it through, held my head (or so I thought). It's amazing to actually visualize your youngest daughter amongst family and friends. She touches the lives of everyone she encounters and that makes my heart glow with gladness, not that I am taking full credit for the young woman she has become, because God knows I have not been positive role model at all (so I've been told time and time again) but I would like to be. I am looking forward to changing my ways as it's been extremely trying the past few weeks, emotions are up and down, mood swings are in full force, I feel as though I can't think straight most days let alone the minutes that drag into hours during these days. Why is it that I can't get my thoughts together as I have in the past, I ramble on about bullshit, and in doing so lose site of what is most important to me.

August 16, 2010

God works in mysterious ways and by no means' am I being cynical, his works of art are the most amazing pieces I have ever witnessed with my own eyes, and will continue to do so on a daily basis. I have been blinded by manipulation, in many ways, and today I have been given the gift of site. I will be utilizing my newly found vision to take in all that I possibly can, God willing. I will not be a prisoner to the darkness any longer, I will (when I am strong enough) spread my wings and take flight, only breaking to rest along the way. It's a glorious feeling knowing that I am bettering myself, for myself and by myself.

August 11, 2010

Sometimes while reading comments on my posts I realize that there are greater things in store for me, but I tend to put them off to the side for some unknown reason; however this one...touched my soul in it's entirety...I love you MOM!



Dear Friend,

How are you? I just had to send a note to tell you how much I care about you.I saw you yesterday as you talked with your friend. I waited all day hoping you would want to talk with me too. I gave you a sunset to close your day and a cool breeze to rest you-and I waited. You never came. It hurt me-but I still love you because I am your friend.I saw you sleeping last night and longed to touch your brow so I spilled moonlight upon your face. Again I waited, wanting to rush down so we could talk, I have so many gifts for you! You woke and rushed off to work. My tears were in the rain. If you would only listen to me! I love you! I try to tell you in blue skies and in the quiet green grass. I whisper it in leaves on the trees and breathe it in colors of flowers, shout it to you in mountain streams, give the birds love songs to sing, I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature scents. My love for you is DEEPER than the OCEAN, and BIGGER than the BIGGEST NEED in YOUR HEART! Ask me! Talk with me! Please don't forget me. I have so much to share with you!I won't hassle you any further. It is YOUR decision. I have CHOSEN YOU and I will wait -I love you.

Your friend,Jesus

August 9, 2010

So today GOD I presume is testing my ability to maintain my sanity, or is it satan trying to grab me and bring me down, no matter the reasoning behind all of the name calling and/or the belittling; I (YES I) can take no more. I have gone beyond the limitations that any one single human being can endure. I am not an asshole as I've been told, nor am I that self-centered, self-loathing, delusional, mental bitch that others' refer to me as. I am "KELLY" that's it, there are none other that I go by and if there are those of you who cannot pronounce my name sake then for by all means do me a favor, don't put forth the effort in trying to form the words that have or are going to slip past your tongues, because apparently if that's truly how I am perceived by other's than I am not worthy of your time, nor are you of mine. I am allowing myself this time during this day to release the tensions that have been built up, if it's taken to heart then so be it.

August 7, 2010

It's about time I realized that those who point fingers and pass judgment are actually not worth my time or energy, because if any of us remember correctly when you point one finger at any particular individual you do have three pointing back at you. Hmmm food for thought perhaps, take a look at the bigger picture here Kelly, what the f@#$ is really happening here?

August 4, 2010

Another hot and humid day to begin with let alone the stench of lying and manipulation in the air. Why is that, I can sense these qualities in others' yet they seem to walk around thinking and believing they are above GOD, not only in one aspect but in all, while most of us, when stepping into the water actually feel the earth beneath our feet and that's an awakening in itself, but others' seem to think that they can walk on that water, you know the type "holier than thou", I'm better than you, what a line of bullshit, I am so sick of judgemental people, I need a fresh start, a clean slate, just get up and go new beginning. It's coming and its coming soon. I am taking charge of me and only me (okay children too) and moving ahead, away from dark rooms filled with bitter hatred, and the smell of death, the death of the old me, it's all so overwhelming, and stagnating..

August 2, 2010

So this is the beginning of the end....I'm done pretending that all is well, I'm not well, my life is in shambles and I'm tired of living a lie...I cannot erase the past, I cannot forget what's been done, nor the mistakes I've made along the way. I can say this however; I have learned lessons that take some a lifetime. I have experienced much, and traveled many roads, not the straight and narrow ones' either, for some reason unknown to myself I always choose the roads that are in shambles, with overgrown rose bushes and the thorns are as thick as knives that cut the flesh and leave you to bleed a thousand times over.

July 30, 2010

So goes by another month as quickly as the last and those before that one. It used to seem that time stood still and yet continued to move ahead at a rather slow and agonizing pace, but that's not the case any longer. The days are seemingly endless while the sun is shining, and when the night creeps up on me, it's as though the darkness takes over my soul, (if that makes the least bit of sense) consuming me completely in it's grasp, the unknowing, or the nothingness takes hold of me and drags me to depths I thought I'd never encounter again, yet it's there, calling out my name, screaming to me, wanting me to fall to my knees and give in to the girl I once was. I wonder some days if I'll have the strength to make it through, to close my eyes long enough to envision what it is I dream of...I know it's there, somewhere, but where? I hear the voices of other's telling me to hold on to my dreams, telling me I have the strength of a thousand men. I'll agree my shoulders are broad, but only to hold myself up physically.

July 28, 2010

It's seems as though every single living soul is looking for a hand out...well put your damn hands back in your fucking pockets, cause this chick is done giving. All I have left is absolutely nothing, I am so fucking sick and tired of being shit on by others' I cannot endure one more day of this crap. I want to scream...just leave me the fuck alone...for God's sake leave me alone. Find someone else to blame for YOUR shortcomings cause I am not the one.

July 27, 2010

I realized just this very morning that for every tear I shed one memory is lost...be it good, bad or indifferent, it really doesn't matter much because shedding tears is just one of many wonderful characteristics that makes me who I am. I laugh, I cry...I'm scared, Icry...I'm angry, I cry...no matter the circumstance I will in some way, shape and/or form shed a few tears. I've been told I treat people like shit, especially the ones' closest to me, well here's a little tid bit, if you weren't such a horses ass I wouldn't. Grow the f@#$ up already, I have no room in my life for bullshit, horseshit, cowshit, none of 'em, so get over yourselves. Enough is enough, and by GOD I've had just about all I can endure for this lifetime. THIS LIFE IS A TEST, THIS LIFE IS ONLY A TEST...what exactly does that mean? I'll tell you I've passed, I have passed, I've fallen down and been kicked whilst down there, I've picked myself up, brushed myself off so many times I becoming caloused so to speak, I will not allow others' to kick me while I'm down any longer, so find another victim, I will not be yours, theirs, his, or hers', not today, tomorrow not ever. I've decided to take the straight and narrow road this time, the one overgrown with emotion, I can handle it now, it may seem lonely at times' but I need this...I need this now more than ever. I am rekindling a relationship with myself, discovering new and wonderful qualities I once thought lost amongst the rest of the debry...I was lost but now am found....

July 21, 2010

Today has been one of the most liberating of all days thus far, I can't explain why, but I feel as though a brick (a life time of bricks) has been lifted off of my shoulders and now I have no where to turn but in the right direction. I have allowed myself to feel completely oppressed for so many years, not knowing who I was I think was the most evil of all demons. I find myself thinking more clearly than ever. I know that today is only that...today...so for today I feel wonderful. Step on my toes all you want, I'm just going to push you right the hell out of my way, because no one, nothing, not a single morsel of anyone's being will block my path, just for today.

July 20, 2010

Talk about trying my patience and my strength...asking simple questions apparently are not acceptable to some. It is what it is I presume, I am no longer going to allow others' to make me feel less than, I can do that all on my own, and yet I still allow them to manipulate and kick me while I'm down. The world does not REVOLVE around ONLY YOU! I'm living proof that it doesn't and so are the billions of others' occupying this green earth as well. What the fuck is going on? Why do people insist on shitting on others', I have my reasons, and I can stand behind them if anyone needs to question me. I'm not saying that I have an answer for everything because if in fact I did, I would not be letting it all out here for all to view. Obviously another day for ranting because my thoughts are not in chronological order nor are they complete thoughts, little pieces here and there and I, for some reason cannot put them in the order they belong. If I had the ability to, financially, emotionally, physically (okay complete ability) I would not be sitting here typing a single word, not a stroke of the key would sound off and echo in my head. I need an escape, I need change for real, not simple change, I need, I WANT to move on and move forward, but something is holding me back and I hate whatever it is, don't you think that if I could place my finger on it I would. I'll answer that one for myself, HELL YES I would.

July 19, 2010

Such a doldrum day, is this why they say sitting and stewing in your own shit? I think not, I'll clue you all in on a lil' secret...the attacks from others' the holes that have been dug so deep its' a heart wrenching hurt, the accusations thrown and the fingers constantly pointed are what makes us think we are sitting and stewing when all I am really doing is weighing the pros and cons at this very moment and every moment here on out. I have reached my limit, seriously, and I know everyone thinks, yea right you've said that before, or perhaps that I'm bullshitting them, you know feeding a line, hook without the sinker...FUCK!!! Not this fucking time, this is for real, I am standing on the edge just waiting for that last and final push, cuz there's no one other than me standing there, so I either jump or take a step back huh? I just want black and white, on a piece of paper, hand written. Please!? Here I am all by myself, finally, at last...pushing these thoughts through my mind as quickly as they appear. I don't want to think them, better yet I don't want to think at all anymore, it's too time consuming and extremely confusing most times. I know what it is I need to do in order to maintain my sanity if there's even a morsel of that left, or did I allow others' to take that too? Hmmm...simple questions, with complex answers, not what I'm looking for either. FUCK ME! Shouldn't have to be this way, so then why am I allowing myself to fall through the cracks and lower my standards and allow others' to dictate how I feel, live, laugh and love?

July 17, 2010

If I lose sight of what I left behind I will never see what lies ahead, is that right?

Author Unknown

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside of you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you- and-rips-you-apart pain. I HATE LOVE."

July 16, 2010

Why oh why does everything have to be so "cut and dry" and what the hell does that mean anyway, and while I'm here who the hell cares. I'm going to do things my way, like it or not, and if I just so happen to step on a few toes along the way, well...""GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY", you all didn't give a shit before you met me so why the hell care now, and besides your damn toes will heal, the pain will subside, and you will be just fine. Unlike me, enduring a life time (so it seems) of bullshit I handed myself, man I tell you what, I am so effin tired of it. Today...I am in a great mood, full of energy (spunk if you like) and no one is taking this feeling away from me today, so deal with it, enough of that bull sh*t, on to something new, hmmm what though? Here it is...addictive personalities; what exactly are we talking about here? I'll tell you what I think because I sincerely believe I most definitely possess the traits that qualify me as having addictive personalities. I go from one extreme to the other for instance, right now (okay maybe starting again) I've been working out like a fanatic perhaps even a lunatic (I really could go for a good workout right now) replaced the inner tubes in the bike and it's a turning point...(woo hoo freedom) I am getting me back, it's a lot of hard work, sweat and painful to say the least, but I'm doing this for me not you or you or you, not anyone just me, and it feels so good, my energy levels after a hard, sweat dripping workout are sky rocketed, and I just feel wonderful. I'm not going to age gracefully because I'm not going to age at all damn...I don't wanna grow up, it seems the older I get the less fun I have so from this day forward I intend to enjoy every moment of me, yeah I said that.

July 15, 2010

It seems as though out of the woodwork they all come, from different angles and at the oddest hours of the day, but dealing with my past and those damn skeletons that I've allowed to control me is the most difficult. I have some faith and a minuscule amount of strength left over from the days before and hope that it will be enough to carry me through all that I know I am about to endure. I am not trying to "sugar coat" (as they say) what's been done, because it's been told to me by those closest that perhaps (and I do wonder) this and all that I've experienced is a "BLESSING IN DISGUISE". I often wondered how the hell can a bad experience or for that matter a life time of bad choices be a blessing in disguise, but when I actually take the time to sit and reflect on the paths I've chosen I realize now that DAMN right they are all blessings. I've learned from each and everyone of 'em. I always thought that blaming others' was the answer and pointing the finger would ease the pain, but I need to realize that I am the only one that can conquer and bury the past. DAMN skeletons scare the shit out of me too, I tell ya'.

July 13, 2010

So the past few days have been extremely trying, I tried to keep my composure and tried hard as hell to be civil to those I don't have the desire to communicate with. I really have nothing to "write home about" per say, but nonetheless have been neglecting my blog, so I decided that something is better than nothing. Tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to it.

July 10, 2010

It's not about me being powerless it's about making the right choices and as far as I can see the choices that I've made thus far are not by any means the "RIGHT" ones. I've searched high and low and come to road blocks one too many times. I'm tired of stumbling over my own damn feet, I'm tired of others' thinking they know the answers to my problems, and most of those problems YES have been brought on by myself, nonetheless they've been a learning experience for me, be it for the better or not, a learning experience nonetheless. I sit myself in complete misery most days, and for a split second in time I find joy, then it's gone. I want more of that joy, more of the laughter, more of life. I realize that GOD has given me more than my fair share of his saving grace because without that saving grace I don't know where I'd be this very moment, and for that, YES I am the most grateful girl (women). I sit at work every Saturday in hopes of having that revelation everyone always speaks of but still have yet to experience such empowering greatness I presume. I try to laugh at myself, okay I don't actually laugh at myself, I'm disgusted with myself and the turn of events that has brought me where I am today, however; if I look at it through different light, I should also be grateful that I've experienced all that I have. I doubt I'd be as insightful, and/or forgiving of all others including myself, but I do know I beat myself up the most, constantly actually. I've been told I'm a liar, a cheat, selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate of others, I may be all of those and more including delusional (sometimes) but I just don't see that. I see myself as being selfless, and extremely giving, the one that never says no, always lending a helping hand of some sort and when I needed it most, where was it to be found. I'll tell you where, within myself, I look to myself for strength, but most of all I look towards my best-friend, she is my rock, I rest on her and feel safe, I feel the heat beating down on me from her as if GOD were telling me to absorb her into me, and that may seem selfish, but strength is what I used to be known for, I don't feel it any longer, so if I take more than what I deserve, I apologize in advance, but I need to feel secure and strong within myself right now, NOW more than ever.

July 7, 2010

So I presume that every day is going to be a struggle, but I need to realize that I MUST (not an option) remove myself from dangerous situations, by that I mean staying away from people, place and/or things that encourage and enable me to feel so low that I have no where else to turn but the bottle. The heat is overwhelming and it seems as though there is absolutely no escaping it as well as myself, if that makes the least bit of damn sense? Who am I to judge myself or anyone else for that matter? I am only human and I definitely do make mistakes, probably more so than the average person, but there's always a lesson to be learned, and I'll be damned if I'm not learning. Learning to crawl that is...those damn baby steps are the freakin' worst, I keep stumbling and walking into damn walls. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on keeping my focus, I need to if not for myself but for my children, then when I feel strong enough to let go of the hands that help me I will ( I know I will) walk on my own two feet. Finally, I'm seeing people for who they are, not what I perceived them to be, it's as though the skin has been peeled back and I am seeing for the very first time, their true identities. GROSS! It's me that needs to have the skin peeled back.

July 6, 2010

I have been pondering thoughts I deemed unimaginable (in the past) for quite some time now, and even so, more clearly than previously thought or so it seems. I'm an adult and I expect to be treated as such, nothing less and nothing more. I want an adult relationship and all that comes with it, not only the added responsibility of care taking (which I do oh so well) but the quirks that are supposed to be apart of that. It's tiresome getting up and going to work, knowing that I'll be stretching this weeks paycheck once again, because I depend solely on myself these days, there is no one else for me to depend on, perhaps at one point in time I thought so, but reality slammed the damn door in my face and left an imprint, and I'm trying to smooth that out as well. It's taking me some time but I know eventually I will be able to look back on all of this and realize that this too was a stepping stone, one that which I needed to work through. I am still struggling, hoping that one day I will find acceptance in the eyes of others', I've been too vulnerable, exposing myself to the whims of others for too damn long and it's taken it's toll on me. What is it that I do for myself? I know I would drink, I go without so that others' can have, I sacrifice my time and my well spent energy trying to make sense out of the senseless. Why do I even bother any more, kindness is not the cure, and I don't want it. I want to grow, I want to sprout and eventually branch out of what I've know for so long. F@#$!!!!! I want security and I want love and acceptance, I want to be able to be me, to laugh a little, to cry a little, I need to be allowed to expose myself without the fear of being ridiculed and looked down upon. Yes as a matter of factly speaking I want it all and I know that I can have it. I deserve this. I DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, the Happily Ever After happiness. Sometimes I try to put myself in the shoes of others' and realize, " what the f@#$ am I doing?" I have no business trying to walk in someone elses' shoes, I need to keep mine on and I need to keep moving, because if I slow down the least bit, I know I'll trip and fall. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My eyes are wide open got it? I'm not tripping up, I'm not slowing down, and I am certainly not holding onto the hands of those that don't want me to move forward. It's a beautiful day and I plan on breathing it in, completely. As my youngest daughter says constantly, "life isn't measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away." So I am anxiously awaiting those moments that do indeed take my breathe away, I want to be left gasping for air for no other reason than complete and utter happiness.

July 3, 2010

On my way into work this morning, while being chauffeured (factually speaking) I decided that it was the perfect time to let go of my fears and open my mouth, finally say what I've been holding onto (not that I hold onto much), and thinking that, if in the event I may or may not say something to hurt the one or ones' I am directing conversation or confrontation at, so be it. I will not be held responsible nor will I be held accountable for anyone else's actions or lack there of. I am accountable and responsible for myself and my children that's it, and I am going to make certain that first and foremost I am happy with myself, with life in general, because I haven't been happy and perhaps I don't know how to do "happy", or be "happy", but I'll be damned if I don't give it a shot. So from this moment on I am going to make KELLY happy, I am going to enjoy life, not sit stagnant while life passes me by. I have, so I've said before, begged and held the hands of others' for too long, now it's my turn...I'm holding my own hand and guiding myself in the right direction. It may seem as though I'm being callous once again but in order for me to take a step forward I need to confront those damn skeletons that have made homes in my backyard, I'm digging them up one at a time, and telling them exactly what I think of them and exactly where it is they belong, because they are no longer mine. I don't want them and I certainly don't need them. I need to learn to let go of my past, something I've struggled with since a young teen, and you know the funny thing is I've often thought I've gotten over an ordeal, but when I turn the corner and the damn thing is sitting in my pathway, I haven't had the strength to step over it or walk around yet hit it straight on, and allow the shit to pile up all over again. I'm done, I'm letting go, slowly learning to deal with that crap; so I call it, and move forward, because I don't envision myself turning around ever again.

July 2, 2010

So begins a "Holiday" weekend, a holiday for whom and for what, so many have forgotten, however; that has nothing to do with me at the present moment. It's only a moment in time that I take each and every single day to jot down my own thoughts, and express myself without fear of being judged by others by opening my mouth and inserting my own damn foot. I guess what I'm trying to convince myself of is that I know fireworks are awesome and parades before the fireworks are even better it's a matter of principal I'm tellin' ya. I'm not saying I wouldn't love to crack open an ice cold beer sit next to a raging fire with my feet up and just dive into the moment, but what I need to say is that I don't want to crack open that damn beer, because one just won't be enough, and the next thing ya know is I'm sitting or lying on the ground passed out, not me, NO NOT ME. I will enjoy the weekend in it's entirety the way it should be enjoyed with my friends and family (hmmm). I believe I'm slowly gaining strength through my weaknesses if that makes the least bit of sense, and to be perfectly honest it really doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone other than myself. I know where I've been and for how long I was there I also know where it is I need to be. Just taking those damn "BABY" steps sucks a**, and that is a given.

July 1, 2010

I suppose I should say I woke up refreshed, but why lie when in fact when I opened my eyes this morning, it was with complete and utter disgust. I was disgusted with myself, with my dreams, I always had high aspirations for myself and of myself, somehow I let them dwindle by the wayside, go figure. I do know that each day I am presented with a new challenge, and new beginning, HELL it's a fresh start, what was I thinking. I walk fairly regularly during my lunch hour with a co-worker and we use each other to vent, I don't think I've expressed my gratitude towards her, I can only hope that if and when she reads this she will know that I greatly appreciate her as an individual as well as a "FRIEND". I learn more about myself (my true self, the one I lost too many years ago) and strange as it may seem I can honestly say I have absolutely no f@#$ing idea who the hell I am anymore, or did I to begin with. I hold onto the past when it has no bearing on the present nor the future for that matter, but I've always been told as I've stated before, that if I forget, I'm doomed to repeat, and perhaps in the past I threw that by the wayside as well, because I'll be damned if I'm repeating this life, "HELL NO"!!! If this life and/or maybe the next is a test "HELLO?", did I f@#$ing pass? I thought I was emotionally, physically and psychologically drained before, but I'll tell you this much, NO I WAS NOT, I am exhausted, my mind doesn't stop wandering, what the hell is that? I am for certain taking each day as it comes, and attempting to live them as if it were my last.

June 30, 2010

So I sit silently while thoughts scatter through my mind, not in any particular order, and wonder what it is exactly I am supposed to be thinking, does that make the least bit of sense? I'll be damned if I know the answer to that stupid question. I always thought I was in complete control of my life, but (HELLO) my indecisiveness is what is actually controlling me, it has nothing to do with life, living, none of it or does it? Who the heck knows. I guess I'm one of the ones' that sees herself as the martyr (so to speak not necessarily in the context of the definition). Who am I to judge anyone other than myself, only GOD has that right, or does he? I can ramble on about a specific topic and then again about absolutely nothing (so I've been told I ramble about nothing more often than not). This is it, this is my last stop, I have no other stops along the way to make. Well ya know I actually do, and they all gather in my subconscious, waiting for that right moment in time to present themselves. Is it socially unacceptable to place yourself in a box and close the lid, or perhaps bury yourself in work, and family and while doing so neglect your (my) own thoughts and hopes and dreams. What the hell, I'm certain we have all done that, yea I am. That wall that I once thought would be destroyed in it's entirety is stronger and higher than ever these days, I need that moat, you know the one, so as to keep intruders' out, and the draw bridge will not be extended to those I do not deem worthy, not now, not again, F#$% NOT EVER. Is this considered rambling or...NOPE I AM RAMBLING. It feels good to talk about or should I say write about absolutely nothing. Speaking of nothing, there's a movie "The Never Ending Story", about the "NOTHING", the Nothing is exactly that, "NOTHING", it overcomes the divine conscience of us all (especially me) nothing to believe in because all hope has been lost, a fantasy world where dreams live and when belief dissipates so do those dreams, my dreams, I've lost them, I know they were there a moment ago, but for this one moment in time I've actually lost them. Damn I am emotionally, physically, psychologically drained, can I laugh at that, is that even funny, when I laugh am I actually, is it a gut-wrenching, muscle straining laugh, F#$% no it's not, it's a facade (a mask, and no not deceptive) just like everyone else is wearing, uncertain of myself, my surroundings, yea that sounds about right. So if the end is a beginning and it's the beginning of the end where the F#$% do I really start?

Bits & pieces

A friend handed this to me and said you can either throw it away (which by the way is what I have always done in the past) or use it, it's not going to make much sense because it's a compilation of multiple songs all in one....

Waiting for the moment when the moment has been waiting all the time

Staring at the golden heights wondering are your ready for the climb

Are you ready for this

Are you ready for that

Are you ready for this

Focus your eyes

Will you take the chance \A new perspective

A new state of mind

Always on the edge of what could be the greatest moment in this life

Only to wonder in delight

You gotta let it go

You gotta let it go

Wanting to feel

Just what it means to be free

There’s no reason

For deceiving

Focus your eyes

A new perspective

A new state of mind

Sometimes you feel you want to run away from it all

Sometimes you heart the voices of the past come to call

But there’s no giving up when you are giving it all

Hoping

Forgiving

And loving

The qualities of life

Designing

The future

A new state of mind

You’ve gotta set it out

You gotta tear it out

No escaping

What you’ve got on your mind

There’s a reason

For your Being

Focus your eyes

A new perspective

A new state of mind

I know you’re so complicated

I know always making time

I see it takes you to the very edge

Don’t be afraid, afraid of letting go

It’s all that you can do

Just give & take

Don’t take too much

Give & take

You gotta talk, talk, talk

Reason to talk, talk, talk

Get up, talk talk, talk

Out your system

Talk, talk, talk

Give and take

Never let the good in life desert you

Never let the fools destroy your dreams

Wait! Take your time

Think it through

Yes! You can make it through

See it through

Don’t break the energy

It’s never too late

To make a turnaround

You’ve got to move

In all directions

I believe in you.

June 28, 2010

If EVER I have belittled anyone I apologize, I'm just learning about me all over again. I know what I want, I know exactly what it is that I need, and I also know how I am going to get what it is that I desire. I thought the coddling and the holding of the hand would be motivation enough. Perhaps the screaming and the crying and the absolute desperation when I said I needed help wasn't in fact enough either, but now it's too late. The damage has been done and to reconcile would be absolutely devastating, not only for me, but for my children and any and/or all that have placed themselves in my path. I won't step over you "I PROMISE", I may trip over you in hopes that someone would be willing and perhaps even able to help me back to my feet and guide me back in the right direction. DAMN! You know I am so sick and tired of taking the low f@#$ing road, I want the high road, I want the narrow one that leads to MY happiness, not yours but MINE. I deserve at least that much, happiness that is. I'm done worrying about whether or not others' are going to step up to the plate, the damage is done. I know asking for what you need is an absolute MUST, but I'm so scared to ask I feel as though that's all I ever do is ask (OKAY) I'm going in, I'm going to do this one last time. I should feel ashamed of myself, but I don't, I'm disgusted! How much more can I endure? How much more manipulation can I tolerate, or is it me who is the manipulator? I don't believe so, life hasn't been that easy and/or kind to me (set aside my beautiful children GOD's gift to me) I've always risen above, but I want to do more than rise above, I want to see and feel that silver lining everyone refers to. "I WANT IT ALL, WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT ALL?" I'm tired of groveling, I'm just genuinely tired, not sick and tired, just tired. When will enough be enough, haven't I learned my damn lesson yet? I believe I have! My heart I think is in my damn throat, once again I can hear it beating, but it's not really beating it's pounding, I can hardly catch my breathe. "GOD!" CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, CAN YOU HEAR MY SCREAMS AT NIGHT, CAN YOU TASTE MY FEAR,because I can, it has that ever so familiar taste of blood, the taste you can't shake. I'm willing to go the extra length NOW, perhaps not so willing in the past but I am willing, able and ready NOW!

June 25, 2010

Holy sh*t, my anxiety level is up, I'm having a difficult time focusing so I'm attempting multi-tasking; which I must add I do very well. I never thought I'd say this but; THIS SUCKS, I could really use a drink, just to calm my nerves, but that's what I always say. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it, I'm shaking, must be my nerves and rightfully so, this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm having bouts with my emotions...I think I can...I think I can...damn...I know I can. Why do we (I) do this to ourselves, can someone please explain, and don't come at me with it's a disease because I wasn't born with a tequila bottle and nipple sticking out of my mouth, so why me? WHY ME GOD? Why? Not a dry eye here and I can't seem to control the tears today, and for those of you who might be wondering, I'm not crying "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink", (so cliche). I just okay Kelly, breathe in, hold it, release. Okay I am fine. WHEW! I do know this, I cannot do it alone (oops that's NA - Never Alone) nonetheless, day seven (7) am I sober or just drying up and if so what's next? Now I know that a good workout tones the body, but what tones' ones' way of thinking, spiritual guidance what? Hello? I'm screaming on the outside and I can't stop, my mind is wondering, what the hell have I been thinking all of these years. I know just a nightcap, one drink just to relax then another and another, and by the time I know it, woo hoo, I am feeling good, not anymore, focus Kelly FOCUS for f@#$ sake. I used to (I still do) condemn alcoholics, how the hell do you become alcohol dependent, well I'll tell you how, one day at a time, that's how, and that's how I am becoming a sober (dry) mom, friend, sister, daughter, that's how I'm doing it, that and a little help from my friends.

June 24, 2010

I realize now the impact my drinking has had on my family and friends, what the hell was I thinking and for how long have I been lost? WOW!! I obviously haven't taken into consideration anyone other than myself, so does that really make me selfish, or just blinded by a substance trying to bury myself in the bottle? It's a strange feeling actually and it's only been less than a week, I have energy that's been lost, and it's awesome. I'm able to actually function, fall asleep, wake up at a decent hour get off to work, and work an entire day, I'm not saying that I'm not thinking about having a drink cuz I'd be an absolute liar, but then again I've been called a liar for more years than I care to recall. I can honestly see clearly now, isn't this just absolutely crazy. I listen to friends talking about partying and I think to myself, damn, just one more drink then I'll stop, but I know me, and I'm sure everyone else knows me, one isn't going to do, maybe two or three, damn the entire bottle, that's what I've become; a bottle. Why have I allowed this to happen, I cannot honestly answer without placing blame on someone or something else, seems odd, but it's a fact. I can say that stress has definitely played a major roll in my drinking, and it's not an excuse it's a reality.

June 23, 2010

Was focusing more on work than my sobriety today, therefore wasn't much to discuss tomorrow is a new day.

June 22, 2010

Powerless by definition: lacking strength or power, helpless and totally useless. Weak, vulnerable, defenseless, incapable perhaps as well, but when we think about powerlessness we (I) don't associate all of these along with it. I am fragile, yet unbreakable, I am weak yet I have the strength of 1000 men, I am all of these and more. I refuse to allow some innate object promoted by society control my life any longer. I have reached "out" in the past, asked for forgiveness, but I think about it I am the only one I need to forgive in order to move forward. I'll tell you these past few days might have been hell on someone else as for me, I'm feeling awake, alive, I'm seeing things in new perspective. I'm not comfortably numb, or even buzzed, yet I still feel as though I may be in some sense of the word numb. I'm numb because I allowed myself to become that of which I condemn, an alcoholic of all sorts. Now I know that there are some that are off worse than myself but genuinely speaking we all suffer the same. The emotional, psychological, physical aspects of being an addict are all one in the same, so therefore are we. There are all types of addicts, and I'm not talking about substance abuse whatsoever; I'm talking about the ones' who think they know best, when in fact there fighting with there own self-loathing, self-pitying monkeys on their own backs. We need to band together to stand up and shout, (even if at first no one at all hears us), because I will not under any circumstance allow myself to become prisoner to a f@*#ing bottle or anything else for that matter, not now not ever again. I realized that music is an absolute inspiration for the heart and soul. "I can see clearly now the rain is gone...I can see all obstacles in my way," but for the grace of GOD there go I.

June 21, 2010

Just to inform any and all whom may be the least bit interested...I am doing fine...Day 2...much harder than I actually anticipated, but this is something I need to do to maintain my sanity, my life and everything else that goes along with it, I suppose. On my way into work this morning there was a jingle playing over the radio saying something about Second Chances...second chances I thought to myself, what the hell, they must be pulling my chain, however the song ended and I felt rejuvenated to some extent. I know now that what I must do is this, maintain my sobriety forever this so I used to think was an option, but in all actuality there are no alternatives when it comes to ones' sobriety , be it drugs or alcohol. Desperation has taken complete control of me, and now I see myself facing myself, asking that once dreaded question that I so often threw out there to others'. "When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, what does my reflection see?" The question being asked is deeper and more meaningful then anything I have ever encountered, I've answered this before so I've thought, but not in detail, without thought. I see my reflection, every morning as a matter of fact and I only see my reflection, there's no one looking back at me, or maybe there is but she's not ready to reveal her true self, and if she does, will the reflection as well as the woman looking into the mirror recognize themselves, or are they complete strangers'? It may seem as though I'm rambling on but this is exactly what I do best, ramble. Jot random thoughts and questions down, for my own personal use later on. I've tried to keep a journal but always ended up throwing the damn thing out, so I've opted this blog, much easier and GREEN. Who would of thought, me of all people starting a blog, but I'm not doing this for myself alone, I'm trying to let you all know that there are some of us out there that have been begging for true companionship, true friendships, and it seems to us that those types of relationships (or relationshits as some like to call it) don't exist. I don't as so has been stated hurt myself intentionally, and I certainly don't intentionally hurt those that I love or who have been my support system all along whether I've accepted that or not. I need to find MY CENTER, I need not cater to others', or allow others' to manipulate me, it's not gonna happen, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I am moving forward with or without you. I have enough baggage of my own that I've collected over the years, I refuse to carry anyone else's. So there I've said it.

Soul Searching

I can't control myself...I started a blog, because I felt it would help me get a better understanding of what it is that causes me to drink. so with that, I may come across as a cold and callous woman but I am not. I have no excuses for my actions other than it's an escape, and it's taken control of me. Now I'm on my hands and knees, looking in directions I never thought imaginable, asking everyone to forgive me including GOD. So there it is...complete desperation has taken over every emotion, every movement I make. I am scared to death, I feel completely lost and alone. You've heard the saying, "standing in a crowded room screaming on the top of your lungs, yet no one seems to hear those screams", I am that one standing in that crowded room, screaming so loud that I lose my voice. My voice, my opinions, my dreams, my hopes, it seems as though I've completely washed them away. I don't know myself, and I'm afraid to. What if I don't like who I am, then what? I know I don't like who I've become. I feel stagnated, and have for a very long time. I know it's only me who can change what I've become, but for some reason I haven't been able to take that first step, thus I am here pouring my soul out for all to read in hopes that I will through the voices and eyes of others' get a better understanding of myself.

Starting Over

We've all been down that road, you know the one, bends and obstacles staring at us head on, and us (me) with the blinders on as not to stray from the path laid out before me; however it doesn't always work out the way I had intended it to, perhaps it's my mindset or something else pounding it's way through my mind, either way I am starting over, starting today, no excuses and I am not turning back this time. For so long I've allowed men to manipulate my way of thinking, and I'm not saying I haven't put up a fight, but for some strange and mysterious reason I've allowed others to control what I do, or how I do it, and in turn have sunken so low that the light everyone speaks of no longer is visible. I felt that this would be the perfect ending of my pity me days.