December 29, 2010

A driving force...misery...a driving force...misery...a driving force.  I have a certain driving force, this I am certain of.  Perhaps it's my own vise or something that I am completely unaware of, but whatever it may be, I am grateful for such.  Struggling with myself lately, deciphering my thoughts in order to make complete sense of them, if in fact any sense at all can be made.  You see, I've allowed too many too often the ability to manipulate and twist my thoughts into their own, forcing me to have such obscure vision that I couldn't see what lied right in front of me.  I've overlooked so much in such a short period of time, and wasted a lot of years perfecting just that.  I am however; looking over the dashboard (figuratively) and viewing perhaps for the very first time with clear eyes, what other's have been seeing their entire lives.  Why is it that I couldn't see all of this, all of this beauty that other's possess?  Why did it take me so long to arrive?  Why do I keep getting in my own way?  Do I not want to be surrounded by the sounds of laughter daily?  What is it and why does it always find me?  I have run for years, given myself stiff necks because I'm constantly looking over my shoulder in fear of what may be following me, and these are only some of the side effects of being completely and utterly overwhelmed by a force unknown to all mankind.  What the f@#*!!  I need to step outside of myself, most days, and view what lies ahead then step back in and focus completely in order to stay on track, because it will only take a minuscule moment in time for me to revert back to what I'm comfortable with.   FUCK!!!  That's it!!!  Comfort!! I find comfort in misery, why the hell didn't I realize that years ago?  Why?  Seriously now, I just realized that I truly find comfort in being miserable and surrounding myself with other's that are in complete misery.  FUCK YOU MISERY!  WOMAN OVERBOARD! WOW!  I can not even contemplate my own reasoning for being so persistent and staying put in it for all of these years.  Finally, it's all beginning to make complete sense to me.  I don't regret what I've done, where I've been, how I got to where I am at this very moment, I am elated actually.  An eye opener to be exact, I will no longer be miserable.  I will wipe everything off of my shoulders' and leave it lying wherever it lands for other's (whomever they may be) to scoop up and deal with on their own, their own terms, they can stay in their misery I am walking away, finally.