July 10, 2010

It's not about me being powerless it's about making the right choices and as far as I can see the choices that I've made thus far are not by any means the "RIGHT" ones. I've searched high and low and come to road blocks one too many times. I'm tired of stumbling over my own damn feet, I'm tired of others' thinking they know the answers to my problems, and most of those problems YES have been brought on by myself, nonetheless they've been a learning experience for me, be it for the better or not, a learning experience nonetheless. I sit myself in complete misery most days, and for a split second in time I find joy, then it's gone. I want more of that joy, more of the laughter, more of life. I realize that GOD has given me more than my fair share of his saving grace because without that saving grace I don't know where I'd be this very moment, and for that, YES I am the most grateful girl (women). I sit at work every Saturday in hopes of having that revelation everyone always speaks of but still have yet to experience such empowering greatness I presume. I try to laugh at myself, okay I don't actually laugh at myself, I'm disgusted with myself and the turn of events that has brought me where I am today, however; if I look at it through different light, I should also be grateful that I've experienced all that I have. I doubt I'd be as insightful, and/or forgiving of all others including myself, but I do know I beat myself up the most, constantly actually. I've been told I'm a liar, a cheat, selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate of others, I may be all of those and more including delusional (sometimes) but I just don't see that. I see myself as being selfless, and extremely giving, the one that never says no, always lending a helping hand of some sort and when I needed it most, where was it to be found. I'll tell you where, within myself, I look to myself for strength, but most of all I look towards my best-friend, she is my rock, I rest on her and feel safe, I feel the heat beating down on me from her as if GOD were telling me to absorb her into me, and that may seem selfish, but strength is what I used to be known for, I don't feel it any longer, so if I take more than what I deserve, I apologize in advance, but I need to feel secure and strong within myself right now, NOW more than ever.