June 25, 2010

Holy sh*t, my anxiety level is up, I'm having a difficult time focusing so I'm attempting multi-tasking; which I must add I do very well. I never thought I'd say this but; THIS SUCKS, I could really use a drink, just to calm my nerves, but that's what I always say. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it, I'm shaking, must be my nerves and rightfully so, this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm having bouts with my emotions...I think I can...I think I can...damn...I know I can. Why do we (I) do this to ourselves, can someone please explain, and don't come at me with it's a disease because I wasn't born with a tequila bottle and nipple sticking out of my mouth, so why me? WHY ME GOD? Why? Not a dry eye here and I can't seem to control the tears today, and for those of you who might be wondering, I'm not crying "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink", (so cliche). I just okay Kelly, breathe in, hold it, release. Okay I am fine. WHEW! I do know this, I cannot do it alone (oops that's NA - Never Alone) nonetheless, day seven (7) am I sober or just drying up and if so what's next? Now I know that a good workout tones the body, but what tones' ones' way of thinking, spiritual guidance what? Hello? I'm screaming on the outside and I can't stop, my mind is wondering, what the hell have I been thinking all of these years. I know just a nightcap, one drink just to relax then another and another, and by the time I know it, woo hoo, I am feeling good, not anymore, focus Kelly FOCUS for f@#$ sake. I used to (I still do) condemn alcoholics, how the hell do you become alcohol dependent, well I'll tell you how, one day at a time, that's how, and that's how I am becoming a sober (dry) mom, friend, sister, daughter, that's how I'm doing it, that and a little help from my friends.