Soul Searching

I can't control myself...I started a blog, because I felt it would help me get a better understanding of what it is that causes me to drink. so with that, I may come across as a cold and callous woman but I am not. I have no excuses for my actions other than it's an escape, and it's taken control of me. Now I'm on my hands and knees, looking in directions I never thought imaginable, asking everyone to forgive me including GOD. So there it is...complete desperation has taken over every emotion, every movement I make. I am scared to death, I feel completely lost and alone. You've heard the saying, "standing in a crowded room screaming on the top of your lungs, yet no one seems to hear those screams", I am that one standing in that crowded room, screaming so loud that I lose my voice. My voice, my opinions, my dreams, my hopes, it seems as though I've completely washed them away. I don't know myself, and I'm afraid to. What if I don't like who I am, then what? I know I don't like who I've become. I feel stagnated, and have for a very long time. I know it's only me who can change what I've become, but for some reason I haven't been able to take that first step, thus I am here pouring my soul out for all to read in hopes that I will through the voices and eyes of others' get a better understanding of myself.