July 6, 2010

I have been pondering thoughts I deemed unimaginable (in the past) for quite some time now, and even so, more clearly than previously thought or so it seems. I'm an adult and I expect to be treated as such, nothing less and nothing more. I want an adult relationship and all that comes with it, not only the added responsibility of care taking (which I do oh so well) but the quirks that are supposed to be apart of that. It's tiresome getting up and going to work, knowing that I'll be stretching this weeks paycheck once again, because I depend solely on myself these days, there is no one else for me to depend on, perhaps at one point in time I thought so, but reality slammed the damn door in my face and left an imprint, and I'm trying to smooth that out as well. It's taking me some time but I know eventually I will be able to look back on all of this and realize that this too was a stepping stone, one that which I needed to work through. I am still struggling, hoping that one day I will find acceptance in the eyes of others', I've been too vulnerable, exposing myself to the whims of others for too damn long and it's taken it's toll on me. What is it that I do for myself? I know I would drink, I go without so that others' can have, I sacrifice my time and my well spent energy trying to make sense out of the senseless. Why do I even bother any more, kindness is not the cure, and I don't want it. I want to grow, I want to sprout and eventually branch out of what I've know for so long. F@#$!!!!! I want security and I want love and acceptance, I want to be able to be me, to laugh a little, to cry a little, I need to be allowed to expose myself without the fear of being ridiculed and looked down upon. Yes as a matter of factly speaking I want it all and I know that I can have it. I deserve this. I DO DESERVE HAPPINESS, the Happily Ever After happiness. Sometimes I try to put myself in the shoes of others' and realize, " what the f@#$ am I doing?" I have no business trying to walk in someone elses' shoes, I need to keep mine on and I need to keep moving, because if I slow down the least bit, I know I'll trip and fall. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. My eyes are wide open got it? I'm not tripping up, I'm not slowing down, and I am certainly not holding onto the hands of those that don't want me to move forward. It's a beautiful day and I plan on breathing it in, completely. As my youngest daughter says constantly, "life isn't measured by the breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away." So I am anxiously awaiting those moments that do indeed take my breathe away, I want to be left gasping for air for no other reason than complete and utter happiness.