June 30, 2010

So I sit silently while thoughts scatter through my mind, not in any particular order, and wonder what it is exactly I am supposed to be thinking, does that make the least bit of sense? I'll be damned if I know the answer to that stupid question. I always thought I was in complete control of my life, but (HELLO) my indecisiveness is what is actually controlling me, it has nothing to do with life, living, none of it or does it? Who the heck knows. I guess I'm one of the ones' that sees herself as the martyr (so to speak not necessarily in the context of the definition). Who am I to judge anyone other than myself, only GOD has that right, or does he? I can ramble on about a specific topic and then again about absolutely nothing (so I've been told I ramble about nothing more often than not). This is it, this is my last stop, I have no other stops along the way to make. Well ya know I actually do, and they all gather in my subconscious, waiting for that right moment in time to present themselves. Is it socially unacceptable to place yourself in a box and close the lid, or perhaps bury yourself in work, and family and while doing so neglect your (my) own thoughts and hopes and dreams. What the hell, I'm certain we have all done that, yea I am. That wall that I once thought would be destroyed in it's entirety is stronger and higher than ever these days, I need that moat, you know the one, so as to keep intruders' out, and the draw bridge will not be extended to those I do not deem worthy, not now, not again, F#$% NOT EVER. Is this considered rambling or...NOPE I AM RAMBLING. It feels good to talk about or should I say write about absolutely nothing. Speaking of nothing, there's a movie "The Never Ending Story", about the "NOTHING", the Nothing is exactly that, "NOTHING", it overcomes the divine conscience of us all (especially me) nothing to believe in because all hope has been lost, a fantasy world where dreams live and when belief dissipates so do those dreams, my dreams, I've lost them, I know they were there a moment ago, but for this one moment in time I've actually lost them. Damn I am emotionally, physically, psychologically drained, can I laugh at that, is that even funny, when I laugh am I actually, is it a gut-wrenching, muscle straining laugh, F#$% no it's not, it's a facade (a mask, and no not deceptive) just like everyone else is wearing, uncertain of myself, my surroundings, yea that sounds about right. So if the end is a beginning and it's the beginning of the end where the F#$% do I really start?