If EVER I have belittled anyone I apologize, I'm just learning about me all over again. I know what I want, I know exactly what it is that I need, and I also know how I am going to get what it is that I desire. I thought the coddling and the holding of the hand would be motivation enough. Perhaps the screaming and the crying and the absolute desperation when I said I needed help wasn't in fact enough either, but now it's too late. The damage has been done and to reconcile would be absolutely devastating, not only for me, but for my children and any and/or all that have placed themselves in my path. I won't step over you "I PROMISE", I may trip over you in hopes that someone would be willing and perhaps even able to help me back to my feet and guide me back in the right direction. DAMN! You know I am so sick and tired of taking the low f@#$ing road, I want the high road, I want the narrow one that leads to MY happiness, not yours but MINE. I deserve at least that much, happiness that is. I'm done worrying about whether or not others' are going to step up to the plate, the damage is done. I know asking for what you need is an absolute MUST, but I'm so scared to ask I feel as though that's all I ever do is ask (OKAY) I'm going in, I'm going to do this one last time. I should feel ashamed of myself, but I don't, I'm disgusted! How much more can I endure? How much more manipulation can I tolerate, or is it me who is the manipulator? I don't believe so, life hasn't been that easy and/or kind to me (set aside my beautiful children GOD's gift to me) I've always risen above, but I want to do more than rise above, I want to see and feel that silver lining everyone refers to. "I WANT IT ALL, WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT ALL?" I'm tired of groveling, I'm just genuinely tired, not sick and tired, just tired. When will enough be enough, haven't I learned my damn lesson yet? I believe I have! My heart I think is in my damn throat, once again I can hear it beating, but it's not really beating it's pounding, I can hardly catch my breathe. "GOD!" CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, CAN YOU HEAR MY SCREAMS AT NIGHT, CAN YOU TASTE MY FEAR,because I can, it has that ever so familiar taste of blood, the taste you can't shake. I'm willing to go the extra length NOW, perhaps not so willing in the past but I am willing, able and ready NOW!
Kelly, this is so hard for me to read. All of these are so undeniably honest and that, my best friend is what is so hard. I am right here with you, from day one to eternity. I will never ever turn my back on you, NEVER!!!!!! I just hope you know, that your never alone, and you have your support system, already in place.. We are all here for you, through good and bad....8-3-1...
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