July 3, 2010

On my way into work this morning, while being chauffeured (factually speaking) I decided that it was the perfect time to let go of my fears and open my mouth, finally say what I've been holding onto (not that I hold onto much), and thinking that, if in the event I may or may not say something to hurt the one or ones' I am directing conversation or confrontation at, so be it. I will not be held responsible nor will I be held accountable for anyone else's actions or lack there of. I am accountable and responsible for myself and my children that's it, and I am going to make certain that first and foremost I am happy with myself, with life in general, because I haven't been happy and perhaps I don't know how to do "happy", or be "happy", but I'll be damned if I don't give it a shot. So from this moment on I am going to make KELLY happy, I am going to enjoy life, not sit stagnant while life passes me by. I have, so I've said before, begged and held the hands of others' for too long, now it's my turn...I'm holding my own hand and guiding myself in the right direction. It may seem as though I'm being callous once again but in order for me to take a step forward I need to confront those damn skeletons that have made homes in my backyard, I'm digging them up one at a time, and telling them exactly what I think of them and exactly where it is they belong, because they are no longer mine. I don't want them and I certainly don't need them. I need to learn to let go of my past, something I've struggled with since a young teen, and you know the funny thing is I've often thought I've gotten over an ordeal, but when I turn the corner and the damn thing is sitting in my pathway, I haven't had the strength to step over it or walk around yet hit it straight on, and allow the shit to pile up all over again. I'm done, I'm letting go, slowly learning to deal with that crap; so I call it, and move forward, because I don't envision myself turning around ever again.