December 16, 2010

So the soul searching continues or so it seems.  Am I in fact searching for my soul, or rather my identity?  I know I lost myself somewhere along that long, lonely path, that is now overgrown because I choose not to venture out there alone, without myself that is.  If one person were to ask what I meant by venturing without myself I would indeed tell them this...I have been without myself for better than 20 years, and the roads I have traveled have been lonely, I've pushed and shoved people out of my path and my life for that matter, not realizing the impact.  Loneliness is not so uncommon for me, you know the sitting in a crowded room as I've said so many times before and screaming so loud your throat hurts, yet no one, not a single individual hears your screams.  If one did, why did they not seek me out, why not hold my hand and point me in the direction I needed to be heading, why allow me to continue to reek havoc in my own life and the lives of those closest to me...why?  I can only give a partial answer and that being, I need to depend on me, lean on myself for a while, discover or rediscover who it is that I am, and what potentials I possess.  The past few months have been the most trying yet enlightening at the same time.  I find myself being drawn to those that possess none of the qualities in a person otherwise thought acceptable, by my standards of course.  Why the hell have I been so judgemental all of these years, or is it that I have been looking through the mirror instead of into it and seeing what I dislike in myself in others?  Hmmm...now that's a deep question if ever a question I've contemplated before, and that I will certainly ponder from this moment on until I figure it out on my own.  I am seeing people for who they are, not what I thought them to be, or better yet what I wanted them to be and not to exclude myself here either.  I carry much guilt for being such a judgemental person, which I have no business being.  GOD is the only one who has been given that kind of authority, and I by no means am GOD.  Perfection I strive for but I haven't reached it or so I don't believe I have.  So I will continue to trudge down different paths in search of myself, and perhaps someday soon I will discover what some say I already know.  It could very well be I'm afraid I might like myself and then there would be no more reasons for all of the self-loathing and self-pitying I am so good at.  We will see today is a new day and I am looking forward to what it brings...