June 21, 2010

Just to inform any and all whom may be the least bit interested...I am doing fine...Day 2...much harder than I actually anticipated, but this is something I need to do to maintain my sanity, my life and everything else that goes along with it, I suppose. On my way into work this morning there was a jingle playing over the radio saying something about Second Chances...second chances I thought to myself, what the hell, they must be pulling my chain, however the song ended and I felt rejuvenated to some extent. I know now that what I must do is this, maintain my sobriety forever this so I used to think was an option, but in all actuality there are no alternatives when it comes to ones' sobriety , be it drugs or alcohol. Desperation has taken complete control of me, and now I see myself facing myself, asking that once dreaded question that I so often threw out there to others'. "When I look in the mirror and see my reflection, what does my reflection see?" The question being asked is deeper and more meaningful then anything I have ever encountered, I've answered this before so I've thought, but not in detail, without thought. I see my reflection, every morning as a matter of fact and I only see my reflection, there's no one looking back at me, or maybe there is but she's not ready to reveal her true self, and if she does, will the reflection as well as the woman looking into the mirror recognize themselves, or are they complete strangers'? It may seem as though I'm rambling on but this is exactly what I do best, ramble. Jot random thoughts and questions down, for my own personal use later on. I've tried to keep a journal but always ended up throwing the damn thing out, so I've opted this blog, much easier and GREEN. Who would of thought, me of all people starting a blog, but I'm not doing this for myself alone, I'm trying to let you all know that there are some of us out there that have been begging for true companionship, true friendships, and it seems to us that those types of relationships (or relationshits as some like to call it) don't exist. I don't as so has been stated hurt myself intentionally, and I certainly don't intentionally hurt those that I love or who have been my support system all along whether I've accepted that or not. I need to find MY CENTER, I need not cater to others', or allow others' to manipulate me, it's not gonna happen, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. I am moving forward with or without you. I have enough baggage of my own that I've collected over the years, I refuse to carry anyone else's. So there I've said it.