December 23, 2010

Sitting and sulking does me absolutely no justice, and yet it truly is one thing that I do so well, and in doing so I create such magical havoc for myself in my mind, it ceases to amaze me.  I have allowed for too f#@*ing long, others' to manipulate my thought process telling me it's black when I know damn well it's white.  It creeps up on me in the most peculiar hours of any given day, and I embrace it knowing full well what the outcome is going to be.  I hate myself most days for continuing to allow it to control me, but I don't know how to overcome this mind-controlling dimension, that I've come oh so familiar with, and perhaps find comfort in.  I do not trust well, and the reasons I'm certain are clear if you've been following me for these few months.  I have grown numb and show absolutely no emotion while in the presence of some and yet with other's I may have thought I found a sanctuary, but obviously I was mistaken once again.  I felt safe if only for a moment.  Those moments don't last very long, and then I'm back to where I was once again, looking myself in the eyes wondering when it's all going to come together.  When will all of this pain that I've caused myself subside?  Why does it carve MY name is the strangest of places.  Will this vicious cycle ever end, or will I allow it to continue.  Fuck if I know.  I want to be able to embrace something tangible I want to call something my own, of course I do, just like those who already have what I want.  It's odd how people come and go in my life, they've all served some sort of purpose, some served well and other's I've tossed to the wayside because I didn't feel the need for them, and you know there is a lesson to be learned in letting go of those you feel you don't need.  I can't tell anyone what it might be because I'm still searching myself.  If it's soul searching than so be it, and if not then let it be as well.  Contradictory?  Why yes I am!  Thank you to those of you whom have noticed.  However; I speak the truth, I'm not holding anything back, there are no lies tangled up in these lines unlike some.  Two days til' Christmas and I feel lost, alone, ashamed, angry, hurt, tired, abused, empty of any and all emotions.  I neglect to tell those that mean the most to me that they do.  I'm afraid of being myself, I'm afraid of making new friends, or trying to hold onto the ones' I already have.  I envy those that smile constantly, and live their lives the way I want to; happy.  Some day soon I hear too often, some day soon I too will be happy.  I certainly hope so.  I was just saying to someone that I am in fact miserable and I don't like being here alone, so I infect others' with MY misery.  I actually never thought about it.  I've heard the cliche, I live by that cliche, "Misery loves company", well fuck if misery loves company and I am aboard the Good Ship Misery then apparently I need to throw myself overboard, to save others'.