December 3, 2014

Such a distorted view encapsulating my entire being.  I have struggled more often than not to step outside of myself however; each attempt has been an epic fail. It seems even more difficult these days to come to terms with where I am in life.    Am I destined to be a failure for all eternity? 

December 2, 2014

So I have decided to post here every day this month in hopes of relieving myself of some of this incredible angst that I am carrying with me. I have tried to reach out to some who have said that they would 'always' be there for me, little did I know that they meant only when it was/is convenient for them.  I am told I am needy and clingy by yet others'.  Here ye, here ye...I am no longer in need of you nor your sarcasms, your inability to communicate with me not at me, your ridicule, your lack of interest in what interests me.  So again, go to hell or where ever it is you descend to after you have ripped my emotions to shreds.  I realize you are that abyss that I lovingly am drawn to and by no means do I mean this to praise you.  You are toxic and I can not allow for myself to look in your direction hence I have covered the mirrors in my house and no longer glance at myself when walking by any window that may show some sort of distorted reflection.  I am my demise. 

December 1, 2014

I do not know how the hell I cope on a daily basis. My head is filled with memories of broken promises and yet I still, somehow fall prey. It is amazing how one person can allow another to take such control emotionally, and knowingly continue to feed that individual who still can recall at any given moment in time the exact words that were spoken to them and then made to feel utter guilt because they are manipulated into believing the other. Fuck you!!

November 24, 2014

I have tried to manage my anxiety, as well as my emotions for far too long now and have been completely unsuccessful. I no longer possess the slightest desire to attempt to make a solitaire individual remotely satisfied, because it is without question impossible for ME to pacify any other at all. I hate this life, I have had my fucking fill and I cannot express that enough. Let shit go you all say, well here is some late breaking fucking news for you ALL, " I cannot just let shit go so get off my damn back!"  I will not EVER forgive anyone for anything, not ever.

November 18, 2014

I keep tapping at these damned keys in hopes that something will snap as it has before, inside of my mind and free me from this horrific bondage of self or so they say.  My eyes are so swollen I haven't the ability to see the light of day from any angle.  I thought perhaps yesterday morning would have been my last, but alas here I am once again pecking at keys, struggling to stay afloat, no matter the water that carry me. 

November 17, 2014

There is no place in society for someone like me.

November 10, 2014

Have you ever felt so low that looking up only clouds your vision even more?  Do you feel the angst that I feel even momentarily?  Do you ever think for one moment that the words I speak hold any truths?  Have I finally succumb to my own demise?  I don't have a leg to stand on anymore.  I try to do unselfishly and for others' but it somehow always backfires. I just don't understand anymore what my purpose is.  You are still here because God has something greater planned for you!  That is absolute bullshit.  I don't buy any of it.  I started to believe so, but realize it is all just a fucking game.  Life is a fucking game.  I am the prey and I allowed myself to become such by putting myself in the midst of a forest filled with starving beasts that want only to sink their fangs into me.  Go ahead, do me a final favor.  I won't put up a fight any longer, I haven't the strength. Here is the funniest part of it all, while I was lying there bleeding you thought it fucking commical to see me scream in agony so you poured salt on my open wounds. I must not be beaten down enough, so have at it.

November 8, 2014

Today I thought for some fucked up reason, would somehow turn put to be a good day emotionally however; being made to feel you are an asshole and every word that comes out of your mouth is bullshit kind of put a damper on that. I really fucking hate myself. I can't believe I am still alive after all that has been said and done.

November 7, 2014

You would think that after so many years of allowing others' to dictate my moods that I would just walk away from the negativity that I surround myself with.  Unfortunately, I am not that type of person, when I do something to someone who is undeserving I am crippled with guilt and go out of my way to please.  I constantly back myself up against walls and such with no hope of escape.  I know I disappoint my children almost daily and that they view me as a failure but I continue to endure all that comes my way, as terrified as I am today I will continue to allow the words thrown at me to penetrate deep and tear my soul to shreds for the millionth time, and then somehow hoist myself up and disappoint another again.

November 6, 2014

First and fucking foremost, I DO NOT MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! Second, I am sick and fucking tired of taking blame for EVERYTHING. So, essentially it is ALL of you making it about me by placing ALL of the fucking blame on me. I am so sick of life. I actually hate it, I wish my death clock would hurry up and fast forward. I have no desire to see what any tomorrow brings. Life itself has sucked for far too long.

October 30,2014

I am struggling today with many mixed emotions. I wish I had an answer or some sort or direction right now. I have not ever felt so lost and alone than I have been feeling lately, and it seems it is just getting progressively worse each waking moment. Damn it.

October 29, 2014

And here I go again!  I have got to figure out someway to get off of this never ending roller coaster.  The constant battle within is driving me insane, to say the least. Speaking of insanity, I have my own personal padded room inside my head.  I am constantly bouncing off of walls.  Whatever happened to I'm rubber and you're glue?

October 28, 2014

Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to an animal after it has been mauled by another of its' kind?  The questions that it might ponder in its' mind.  Why did this happen to me?  What have I done so wrong to deserve this kind of treatment?  Am I just not good enough?  I survived though and am licking the open wounds and that is proof enough of pain inflicted upon another living being.  Scars from wounds so deep that even time hasn't been able to heal them.  I have been there and my wounds, for some reason just won't heal over, not even long enough for them to become scars.  It's as if I continuously pour salt in order to feel the pain, metaphorically speaking of course as far as physical pain is concerned, and then there is the emotional pain that I experience daily.  The pain of flesh being torn open over and over again, that is exactly what I have been going through lately.  Damned emotional pain so intense that I can physically feel it shredding my entire being.  I too, like that animal wonder daily why this all happened, was I to cause?  What did I do so horrible in life to deserve this?  Am I not good enough?  Then I hear these little whispers in the back of my mind reminding me that I made my life what it is today and I have no one to blame but myself.  I chose the paths that were less traveled for whatever reason.  I ventured into the darkness alone when I knew full well that I should be asking for guidance.  I was too proud and for many fleeting moments was determined to do things on my own, and now looking back, I screwed up.  This realization is a gut wrenching one.  I am sick over this.  I didn't just wake up and have reality slap me in the face, it's taken years to get where I am today.  Words that were spoken have penetrated so deep into my being that they are inscribed and I hear the voices behind the words.  Most days I hate myself and the others?, well I just tolerate me. It's becoming increasingly difficult to mull through the days and that is exactly what I do. 

October 23, 2014

Lately I have been walking on egg shells, which are strategically placed over land mines. I must have positioned them there at some point in time and am just now slinking ever so suspiciously as not to disturb a solitaire one.  I know that I am only able to endure so much in a single day and to have one detonate because of my own carelessness,  would be most detrimental to my well-being in every facet.

October 21, 2014

A process of elimination per say.  Who shall stay and who shall go?  It's strictly a matter of principle at this point in my life.  I wish I knew how to break the chains that bind me; after all they are holding me back.  By they I mean my past, I visit it daily and it wreaks havoc on my present and I stand firm that it will by all means wreak that same havoc on the future if in fact there is one in store for me, because as I see it now, I have none to look forward to nor do I have the desire to push forward.  It makes me sick to my stomach knowing I feel this way constantly.  If it were a passing feeling then I might reconsider my options however; it's continuous.  A flow down stream into that dark lonely abyss I speak frequently of.  There are days more often than not where I wish I had the courage to take that plunge and escape this so-called 'life' that was given to me.  I am well aware that it is what I make it yet I find it extremely difficult to accept that past events had no effect on who, what and where I am currently, physically and emotionally.  What do I know anymore anyway.  I go off on tangents, in directions I should know better than explore, then again I am almost intrigued by the darkness because I have been here for so long.  Hmm I wonder, am I really that pathetic? It's deja vu constantly.  Fuck, I am pathetic. 

I am knocking...

October 9, 2014

It's been brought to my attention too many times in the past few months that others' view me as pathetic, and everything that I do or don't do is selfish. I have never thought of myself as a selfish individual. Apparently something that I am doing isn't working out the way it should. Time and time again I find that I reflect back on unpleasant thoughts and memories and in doing so this reckless child surfaces. I used to wonder how anyone could inflict harm upon themselves until the very first time I experienced it for my very own. A fit of rage or perhaps an emotional breakdown, I cannot honestly say what caused it however; I remember a calming feeling coming over me almost instantaneously afterwards. Some say that I should be medicated, I disagree. Medication only made matters worse, and outbursts more severe than previous ones. Therapist after therapist, prescription upon prescription, I began losing hope that I was at all sane by any means. To be called 'text book' anything is devastating to say the least and yet refreshing all at the very same time. For years I thought I was crazy or perhaps a basket case so I've heard. Delusional, self-loathing, warped sense of self, selfish, etc... I could go on for pages. There are moments still that I find myself wanting to do more harm than not to myself just to escape my own thoughts, and NO I am not being selfish. I wish I could erase every single memory and start fresh, a clean slate, perhaps then I might be able to move forward with my own desires, as for now I could care less.

September 26, 2014

I'll be damned if it's not one thing after another. I am at the very end of the rope and there isn't a knot to stop me from falling this time. How much more can one person endure before they completely lose it, by every sense of the word lose. I have to throw up my hands and give up.

September 25, 2014

What an absolutely formidable act of desperation is that? I beg others' to stay in a relationship they clearly don't desire. Who does shit like that? These are thoughts that have littered my mind and it seems there is no escaping those disgusting memories. Why is it so easy for some to just let go of the past, in a blink of an eye or so it seems, whereas I just can't escape it. It's as if a bolt of lightening strikes when the skies seem to be clear, in the most alarming of ways, because it comes out of nowhere. I am pathetic to say the least. No one should have to beg or plead with another. While I'm on the subject of pleading, why does it seem that I am constantly apologizing for every action/reaction, every word spoken/unspoken? Why? That's pathetic as well. Damn! I am so sick of myself, WAIT! I make myself sick. The most discontenting part of all of this could very well be my own doing. I allow others' to control me. Who invites or tolerates emotional abuse and then apologizing for being on the receiving end? The more I sit and think the more repulsed I become. Is this even normal? What is NORMAL for that matter?

September 24, 2014

On a downward spiral emotionally and I haven't any brakes, I am spinning out of control and am fearing at this very moment for the very air I breathe. All of my fears past, present and perhaps future are coming to fruition and exposing the flesh that's oh so raw once again. Why is it that I cannot carry on for an entire day without the presence of FEAR?

September 22, 2014

Thank you God! That is not my norm, but I just need to say it aloud so I can see for myself that my faith in you is not entirely lost.

September 15, 2014

My life is an absolute clusterfuck! That is all.

September 15 , 2014

After multiple attempts at a 'healthy' relationship with numerous others' be they male or female, I have drawn my own conclusion in that I am not meant for any relationship. I don't need the stress nor do I need the aggravation that accompanies said relationships either. I create images in my head that prevent me from moving forward with my life and I take full responsibility for my actions no matter the outcome. I am faced daily with demons that lurk in the crevices of my mind and make themselves visible at the most inopportune times. I hate who I have become, a cynic, a campaigner for those tormented by years of lies and abuse, an abuser myself (in defense). I manipulate my own thoughts so that I have the strength to face the coming 'attractions' daily. It's so overwhelming anymore that I where blinders now so that no outside influences obscure my vision. It may seem selfish and perhaps others' believe that I am looking for a 'pity party' however; all I want is to be left alone. Alone with my thoughts, in my own head. I don't possess the capability of mingling with others' in a manner set forth by 'society'. I haven't the desire either. Where does that leave me? Does this make me a cruel being?

September 12, 2014

I have heard on and off for the better part of my life that "better days are coming", well I have been waiting a lifetime for those days to appear and nothing yet. HELLO? Am I the last of the black sheep to be roaming?

September 11, 2014

While the rest of the world is remembering the events that took place 13 years ago on this very date, going over emotions and photos, the media splashing the horror all over the television, social media sites blowing up walls with statuses about the same; I sit here wondering where I went wrong. I discovered a long time ago that I am not relationship ready, nor will I ever be. I fool myself into thinking so, going back and forth with the thoughts in my head, recalling childhood fairy tales wondering why they publish such nonsense when a "Happily Ever After" is not attainable at least not for me. I feel as though I am constantly referring to happiness and such and all that it is supposed to represent however; if I truly knew it wouldn't be a constant topic of discussion for me. It's just distressing how others' can be so manipulative and conniving in order to get their own way. I don't believe I do those sorts of things. Lately I have been reminiscing about everything that has taken place in my life and I wish I could pinpoint where it was exactly that mine started falling apart. I hear others' tell me that I am a strong individual for raising three kids on my own and yet I do not see that at all. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because I'm scared of what each tomorrow will bring. Holy shit, here it is again! FEAR, that fucker! He's back to torment me. I give up, have at it. I wish you would rip me to shreds once and for all because I haven't the strength to put up fight.

September 9, 2014

"The purpose of memory is not to let us recall the past, but to let us anticipate the future. Memory is a tool for prediction." - Alain Berthoz With that being said, how is it that a tool meant to predict our future can wreak such havoc on some yet others scathe? Is it me against the world or am I just fighting an endless battle within myself? I cannot escape my memories of past experiences no matter how I try. Therapy allows for me to open painful wounds and afterward I am left bleeding as if I had just relived the moments in time I have tried so desperately to escape. What's next?

August 21, 2014

I've been coasting for some time now and I'm not sure how I've escaped tragedy. If the phrase, "God has something great in store for you", holds any truths, I pray it makes itself somehow visible NOW. I feel as though I was just hit by shrapnel and the pain is just too unbearable. I haven't a leg left to stand on and I'm disgusted with myself and my life; which I haven't made much of because I'm always fucking something up somehow. Have you ever felt like such a complete and utter failure no matter what others' might say? I wince when another tells me that I'm making progress, or how far I've come, stay positive and things will come full circle for you. FUCK! I just want to give up.

July 18, 2104

It has been quite some time since my last entry and the guilt that follows with the absence of a clear mind is overwhelming. My children are growing up before my very eyes and I feel that I have neglected each one of their needs. I work my ass off to provide yet it never seems enough. I struggle daily with my own sanity and my ability to stay sober, if not for myself but for them. My youngest daughter is about to compete for Miss Teen International 2015 in Florida next week and the fear I feel inside is preventing me from feeling elated that she has overcome so much in such a short period of time. My oldest is an amazing young woman, beautiful beyond my wildest dreams, although we butt heads more often than not she is still a wonderful young woman. My son who turned 16 this year will be entering his Junior year of high school come September and then the following he graduates and heads off to the Marine Corps. I am saddened by all that is taking place with the three of them yet knowing I have raised them solely on my own gives me such satisfaction. I guess what I am rambling on about is the fact that soon I will have that empty nest I hear others' talking so freely about and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so afraid to be alone, yet I know that it is inevitable.

June 19, 2014

I’m not certain the significance of all that I am experiencing emotionally or if there is any at all, perhaps the irony of how things play themselves out is what I need to focus on as opposed to the, why me all of the time.

March 26, 2014

When I face my vulnerable feelings all alone I have felt so frightened so I built up a defensive wall to hid behind. To the outside world, I may have appeared to be strong and confident, but this is only a façade to cover up my real feelings of vulnerability. I have become so good a pretending to be strong and invulnerable that I even fool myself. And in doing so I have forgotten what my real self was like. The only time I am reminded of my softer feelings is when I experience them in someone else and this reminder is not a welcome one to say the least. It doesn’t feel good – in fact, it is quite painful emotionally. I instantly become angry with the person who reminds me of these feelings. I hate myself for feeling them and hate the other person for having them. I see the ‘real’ me reflected back at me, and I don’t like what I see. These feelings are crippling and cause me to lash out more often than not subconsciously and as I’ve stated before you cannot recover words after they have been spoken, just like a stone after it has been thrown. Yesterday, I realized that ‘I’ am an emotional abuser by every definition. I suffer from multiple emotional/mental disorders from years of alcohol/drug abuse amongst other things, that I am certain will eventually come out in the wash, as they say. I suppose what I am saying is that I want others’ to suffer for the pain that was inflicted upon me. Pain that is so deep I am afraid to confront it and that fear turns into absolute rage. When it has finally built up so much so that I haven’t the ability to hide it any longer I am instantly enraged and whosoever stands in front of me receives a tongue lashing (in so many words). It’s painful to acknowledge that I am who I am for whatever reason, and to see the sadness or confusion in another’s eyes is so much more painful because I know that I have caused it. Underneath my anger, my need to control, my need to blame, my impatience with the intolerance of others' weaknesses is a great deal of pain. Yes, I am afraid to confront that pain. I am afraid what I might encounter. Hell, I'm afraid of it all. If this makes any sense at all to anyone reading my entries then all of my efforts are not lost. I am by no means strong. My defenses are down and I am at my weakest point. I don't know how to carry on from here.

Love and the pursuit of Happiness?

Growing up learning about the 'circle of life' was somewhat horrifying. Looking back it all makes sense. Survival of the 'fittest'. If it's true that only the strong survive because it is their nature and they were nurtured that way, why is it that some suffer more than others' merely struggling to survive. I have witnessed more evil in my lifetime than I care to remember. If I had the choice to chose between being one of the meek as opposed to strong I would chose the latter of the two. It's too stressful putting on a facade so that others' don't know the severity of the pain I live with. It's not so much physical pain (other than the usual aches and pains that come with aging) it's the emotional turmoil that I can't seem to escape. To have someone just hold my hand for once no matter how I lash out and tell me that everything will be okay, would be wonderful however; this world we live in doesn't account for that. It's not socially acceptable or if it is I am not included in that group. I become instantly frustrated when things go awry no matter the cause. I guess I really do make mountains out of molehills. What the fuck for though? Is there a reason that I continuously do this to myself and others'? Why must I constantly feel the need to play the 'victim' or so I've been told. I've tried to move past that and it keeps coming full circle. If I could escape that stereotype even just momentarily the possibilities just might be endless. I've hurt a lot of people in my life including myself. I hear my thoughts and before I know what has happened the daggers have been thrown and just like a stone, I can't recover them. I understand that if I continue living my life full of fear and guilt, mistrust and such that a truly 'healthy' relationship is not within reach. This above all else angers me and causes a train reaction and once the gears have been shifted into high there is no stopping me. That's scary if I must say so myself. How else am I to let go and live in the moment if I am constantly dredging up the past? I want to love and be loved, unconditionally nonetheless. I want happiness, the kind you only read about in story books and such. I don't believe any longer that a 'happily ever after' exists, because it is no longer the 'norm'. I used to hold onto that thought and over the years I have stripped myself of that childish dream... how does one pursue happiness anyway? Is it something we are born with? Is happiness just meant for certain individuals or is it something that is attainable by everyone in every walk of life? Does true happiness even exist? Is happiness another mask we where? Holy shit! I need answers!

March 12, 2014

I find myself with too much time on my hands. Too much time for fleeting thoughts that run ramped in my mind causing me nothing less than absolute grief. Is there something perhaps that I might be missing, perhaps the damn boat? I observe others' and wonder how, with all of life's uncertainties, how are they able to move so freely away from their pasts while I rewind the video blog in my mind over and over again? It has become so painstaking that I no longer want or have a desire to be around others, whether they be like me or not. I hear it coming at me from angles I didn't know existed that I need to be happy, or I want you to be happy. Well how's this? I haven't been happy, truly happy since I was small. I remember those days. Stomping in mud puddles, playing with Match Box cars, and plastic Army men. Climbing trees and scraped knees. Throwing rocks and building forts and making appetizing dishes out of dirt and leaves. Those are the days I want to go back to. It's age discrimination as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want the responsibility that comes with it anymore. I'm tired of working just to pay bills, with nothing left over at the end of the week. Perhaps all of this is just a 'bitch' session. What do I know really?! I'm not living, I'm surviving.

February 21, 2014

Have you ever just taken a few steps back, almost outside of yourself and observed? I was given that opportunity while I slept last night. I used to set short term goals only, because I knew that long term ones' were out of reach for whatever reason I came to that conclusion, I have. I no longer strive to reach those goals neither near nor far. I would like to unzip myself, turn myself inside out and power wash my entire being. I am sick of being me, whoever that is. I hate myself inside and out. I have tried to alter my exterior thinking it would somehow affect my interior, boy have I been wrong. I am broken! I no longer wish for happiness, because the woman or person I have become believes that it is unattainable. I will continue to trudge, with my knuckles bleeding as they scrape the very depths of my soul. I will allow FEAR to take control. I will not fight. Have at me, dig your talons deep this time, tear the skin that's oh so soft, poison me with your ridicule and constant reminders of mistakes that I have made. I am at FEARS' mercy.

February 17, 2014

I have finally realized that I am not relationship material, nor will I ever be. My insecurities are overwhelming and my sense of self so warped that I fail to see what others' insist I must in order to maintain any sort of 'healthy' relationship. So be it is all I have to say. I had allowed myself to become comfortable with the idea that I will grow old alone, and it's certainly is a scary thought but I know now that it is what's meant to be. I have failed so many people over the course of my life and I can't muster up the strength to even contemplate the thought of allowing another to take hold of what remnants of a heart remain. I could cry myself a thousand tears and nothing would have prepared me for this eye opener, although, I do believe I knew it all along I just wasn't prepared to accept it for what it all was. So now, as I put the weights back onto my ankles and plunge into the abyss I will remember that I have absolutely no business meddling with another no matter the circumstance.

Mass confusion takes hold of me now as it has done so many days and nights in the past.

February 16, 2014

I believe the time has come to begin this life long journey alone.

February 10, 2014

There comes a point in time where a woman or so I thought should be completely content with her relationships whether they be platonic or what have you. I feel so insecure all of the time lately. Insecure in my job, my relationship with my children, financially, emotionally, etc…etc. How am I supposed to overcome all of these insecurities when my mind plays constant tricks on me? Am I doomed to constantly repeat the past and sabotage every single relationship I place myself in? Why is it that I just can’t find absolute solitude in ANYTHING? Why must I conger up scenarios that I know full well are unhealthy for my psyche? Is it all really just imaginary or is my subconscious more in tune with the on goings of my life than my physical self? I simply cannot carry on this way much longer. I know that all good things must come to an end, but can’t I enjoy some of those so called ‘good things’ before they come to an end? Why must all good things come to an end anyway? Who wrote the book on that? Was it some philosopher of some sort? Who is this man? It must have been a man because they can’t seem to make up their minds as to what, where, how, who, etc… I know that I need some solid ground to stand on, some sort of commitment from something, somewhere. I am not willing to compromise anymore. I won’t be taken for granted. I will not allow myself to feel the outcast much longer. It’s as if I am that starving, homeless woman walking by the most elegant of restaurants’ peering in through the steaming glass watching as others’ dine, and laugh and just enjoy each others’ company. I want that too. I want that kind of happiness and if it’s temporary than I am going to walk away (AGAIN). Running is my forte. I am not happy, and I can’t remember the last time I saw myself laugh. God, give me strength.

February 4, 2014

I sit here now, tapping away at these damned keys because here; once again my self-sabotaging ways are spilling over into the lives of others. Those that are not deserving of my intense insecurities that I blame on everyone but myself. Those self-loathing images that I have created in my own mind reflect from the mirror of my soul. I see clearly what it is that I have become and the mere thought that perhaps my mirrored image is delusional is altogether mind-blowing. It's the same scenario time and time again, a painted image that haunts me. I can smell, taste, touch all that's going through my mind yet, I haven't the ability to control what escapes past my damned lips. Why is it that I lack that control. How much more misery can I pour onto others, and expect different results? Isn't that the definition of insanity? Damn me! I need to find that pocket and disappear once again into the abyss I have come to know so well. I may be frightened and, "YES" FEAR does lead the way however; I find comfort in that FEAR. How sickening that sounds when read aloud. Am I trying to convince myself that no matter the road I merge onto the outcome will forever remain the same? What purpose does all of this serve? My thoughts are beginning to scatter uncontrollably and I am not able to make much sense of them.

January 28, 2014 cont'd

Sitting in absolute solitude that I have intricately created for myself is proving to be detrimental to my emotional, spiritual and physical well being. I feel myself swaying back and forth between thoughts. I am being encapsulated by FEAR. FEAR of what? Exactly, FEAR of the unknown. I am once again surrounded by those glaring eyes and seething teeth. I feel it's breathe on my neck and I know one quick movement will cause it to attack. I am plagued by what is unknown to most but suffered by so many. I am living in constant fear for my own life.

January 28, 2014

I find myself at a crossroad, with no direction. I am scared and alone, knowing full well I have family and some friends, doesn't seem to make much difference at this point in time. I have failed myself repeatedly and have no one to blame but MYSELF. I have made myself physically sick because I know not when to keep my thoughts to myself. It's a fiendish act of hatred turned inward that explodes when I don't get my own way. I don't know which way to turn. It seems that once I've made a decision to travel certain roads, roads that I have been weary of in the past, they are the wrong paths for me to take. I suffer because I know nothing more, nor nothing less. I have grown to comfortable in my own misery. I won't allow myself to be happy for whatever reason. I take out my frustrations on the one I love, or so I say. I then cringe because it's too late to swallow the words I have already thrown up. When will I ever learn? Why is it that I just can't allow myself to bask in 'happiness' if only momentarily? I hate who I become when my insecurities reveal themselves and at the most inopportune moments of the day. It's a daily task pleading with myself, my own thoughts, trying to control whatever it is that lies within.

January 27, 2014

There are many moments throughout the course of a day that I reflect on a phrase that I have heard time and time again. "If he brought you to it, then he will surely bring you through it." Is this a fucking joke or something? Who came up with this shit? 'He', who is 'he' anyway? What if 'he' is a 'she' and that 'she' is merely 'me'? So, essentially, I bring on my own problems, cause my own misery and am expected to allow another to bring me through it? Damned if I do and certainly damned if I don't. It's all a crock to say the least. He who brought me to it, if in fact 'it' is all intentional, by intentional I mean perhaps a learning experience of sorts (who's to say for certain), then just push me in already. I have had my fill of learning experiences. There is nothing more I need to be 'brought' to nor do I have the desire to be standing there on the very edge waiting for the slightest breeze to thrust me in to the abyss. I don't understand why I even bother trying to recover myself from such a dark place. I've grown so comfortable being there and to be completely honest, the fucking light is hurting my eyes. I'd rather be left in the dark then aware of my surroundings anymore. It's a set-up.

January 20, 2014

I am merely a 'metaphor'.

January 17, 2014

As the letters come pouring in, my concerns are now shifted...what if has become such a reality that I felt it's blow to my soul instantaneously. I'm beside myself uncertain of my own emotions, my own feelings if in fact they are feelings to begin with. What if...I move forward and it turns out the way it always has. What if...there is no moving past my own past and it continues to play a major roll in my every day living. What if...I no longer possess the ability to communicate on a intimate level with another. What if...all of these fears have come to fruition for a very specific reason. Is there a lesson to be learned? Am I not hearing ALL that is being spoken? If only I could reach far inside and find that little girl hidden away maybe I could make heads or tails of all that has presented itself to me recently. Am I terrified? Hell yes I am. I can hear my own heart beating, pounding as if it's about to explode. My senses are confused as well. I want to cry but am not certain I can right now. Is it possible that the Phoenix can rise from the ashes of it's own demise?

January 15, 2014

As the day carries on, I find myself reflecting more and more on all of the 'what ifs'. I just can't seem to get past any of it and I'm not certain I ever will. Is there a magic potion or a pill that I need to swallow in order to rid my mind of all that ails it? I give my 'will' over and take it right back more times in a day than conceivable. It's absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. I am still holding onto hope, that I will be rid of all the unnecessary bullshit that plagues my mind. I know it's what is holding me back. A damn daily struggle, fighting off anger, and shame, and regret, and most importantly FEAR! If given one day, just one solitaire day without the rumbling inside of my mind, perhaps then that one day will soon turn in to two and so on and so on.

January 14, 2014

For for years I have been pouring out my fears by tapping on a keyboard, trying to sort through emotions and such in order to gain a better perspective on my own life and for more years than I can recall I feel helpless. I am well aware that there is help to be had however; the utter disappointment that follows each and every session, therapist, group meeting and prescription is so overwhelming. I want so much to give up yet something pushes me forward, and so another day has begun. I awake feeling exhausted and confused, more so than the evening before. I tell myself to clear a pathway in my mind so as to focus on the tasks that lie ahead, needless to say the self talk hasn't been very helpful. It seems as if I'm falling back as opposed to gaining any ground. As I tap away at the keys every imaginable emotion reveals itself and I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the whirlwind of thoughts that are spinning out of control in my mind. To settle them would be the most miraculous of all. I need some stability in my life and at this rate I know I will never have such a thing.

January 13, 2014

The irony of things is most certainly mind blowing. I have spent hours upon relentless hours pondering thoughts that I have no business pondering any longer. Why must I continuously revisit the past. I understand that most of my experiences are defining moments in my life, and that they have all contributed to who I have become today. Which brings up another question...who the fuck am I anyway. I look in the mirror and see a reflection looking back at me yet, I don't recognize who that woman is. Her eyes are sad and her face is showing her age. It's as if the 'eyes to her soul' are hollow. I see no life in her gaze, just emptiness. Perhaps it's all in my mind. Perhaps I am delusional as I've been told many a time. I have tried so hard to brush these feelings off but...they are persistent. I try to give my all no matter the circumstance and am left feeling lonelier than when I first embarked on this 'journey'. There has got to be some way to rise above all of the madness I have surrounded myself with. Where do I begin?