February 10, 2014

There comes a point in time where a woman or so I thought should be completely content with her relationships whether they be platonic or what have you. I feel so insecure all of the time lately. Insecure in my job, my relationship with my children, financially, emotionally, etc…etc. How am I supposed to overcome all of these insecurities when my mind plays constant tricks on me? Am I doomed to constantly repeat the past and sabotage every single relationship I place myself in? Why is it that I just can’t find absolute solitude in ANYTHING? Why must I conger up scenarios that I know full well are unhealthy for my psyche? Is it all really just imaginary or is my subconscious more in tune with the on goings of my life than my physical self? I simply cannot carry on this way much longer. I know that all good things must come to an end, but can’t I enjoy some of those so called ‘good things’ before they come to an end? Why must all good things come to an end anyway? Who wrote the book on that? Was it some philosopher of some sort? Who is this man? It must have been a man because they can’t seem to make up their minds as to what, where, how, who, etc… I know that I need some solid ground to stand on, some sort of commitment from something, somewhere. I am not willing to compromise anymore. I won’t be taken for granted. I will not allow myself to feel the outcast much longer. It’s as if I am that starving, homeless woman walking by the most elegant of restaurants’ peering in through the steaming glass watching as others’ dine, and laugh and just enjoy each others’ company. I want that too. I want that kind of happiness and if it’s temporary than I am going to walk away (AGAIN). Running is my forte. I am not happy, and I can’t remember the last time I saw myself laugh. God, give me strength.