October 21, 2014

A process of elimination per say.  Who shall stay and who shall go?  It's strictly a matter of principle at this point in my life.  I wish I knew how to break the chains that bind me; after all they are holding me back.  By they I mean my past, I visit it daily and it wreaks havoc on my present and I stand firm that it will by all means wreak that same havoc on the future if in fact there is one in store for me, because as I see it now, I have none to look forward to nor do I have the desire to push forward.  It makes me sick to my stomach knowing I feel this way constantly.  If it were a passing feeling then I might reconsider my options however; it's continuous.  A flow down stream into that dark lonely abyss I speak frequently of.  There are days more often than not where I wish I had the courage to take that plunge and escape this so-called 'life' that was given to me.  I am well aware that it is what I make it yet I find it extremely difficult to accept that past events had no effect on who, what and where I am currently, physically and emotionally.  What do I know anymore anyway.  I go off on tangents, in directions I should know better than explore, then again I am almost intrigued by the darkness because I have been here for so long.  Hmm I wonder, am I really that pathetic? It's deja vu constantly.  Fuck, I am pathetic.