February 4, 2014

I sit here now, tapping away at these damned keys because here; once again my self-sabotaging ways are spilling over into the lives of others. Those that are not deserving of my intense insecurities that I blame on everyone but myself. Those self-loathing images that I have created in my own mind reflect from the mirror of my soul. I see clearly what it is that I have become and the mere thought that perhaps my mirrored image is delusional is altogether mind-blowing. It's the same scenario time and time again, a painted image that haunts me. I can smell, taste, touch all that's going through my mind yet, I haven't the ability to control what escapes past my damned lips. Why is it that I lack that control. How much more misery can I pour onto others, and expect different results? Isn't that the definition of insanity? Damn me! I need to find that pocket and disappear once again into the abyss I have come to know so well. I may be frightened and, "YES" FEAR does lead the way however; I find comfort in that FEAR. How sickening that sounds when read aloud. Am I trying to convince myself that no matter the road I merge onto the outcome will forever remain the same? What purpose does all of this serve? My thoughts are beginning to scatter uncontrollably and I am not able to make much sense of them.