October 9, 2014

It's been brought to my attention too many times in the past few months that others' view me as pathetic, and everything that I do or don't do is selfish. I have never thought of myself as a selfish individual. Apparently something that I am doing isn't working out the way it should. Time and time again I find that I reflect back on unpleasant thoughts and memories and in doing so this reckless child surfaces. I used to wonder how anyone could inflict harm upon themselves until the very first time I experienced it for my very own. A fit of rage or perhaps an emotional breakdown, I cannot honestly say what caused it however; I remember a calming feeling coming over me almost instantaneously afterwards. Some say that I should be medicated, I disagree. Medication only made matters worse, and outbursts more severe than previous ones. Therapist after therapist, prescription upon prescription, I began losing hope that I was at all sane by any means. To be called 'text book' anything is devastating to say the least and yet refreshing all at the very same time. For years I thought I was crazy or perhaps a basket case so I've heard. Delusional, self-loathing, warped sense of self, selfish, etc... I could go on for pages. There are moments still that I find myself wanting to do more harm than not to myself just to escape my own thoughts, and NO I am not being selfish. I wish I could erase every single memory and start fresh, a clean slate, perhaps then I might be able to move forward with my own desires, as for now I could care less.