Love and the pursuit of Happiness?

Growing up learning about the 'circle of life' was somewhat horrifying. Looking back it all makes sense. Survival of the 'fittest'. If it's true that only the strong survive because it is their nature and they were nurtured that way, why is it that some suffer more than others' merely struggling to survive. I have witnessed more evil in my lifetime than I care to remember. If I had the choice to chose between being one of the meek as opposed to strong I would chose the latter of the two. It's too stressful putting on a facade so that others' don't know the severity of the pain I live with. It's not so much physical pain (other than the usual aches and pains that come with aging) it's the emotional turmoil that I can't seem to escape. To have someone just hold my hand for once no matter how I lash out and tell me that everything will be okay, would be wonderful however; this world we live in doesn't account for that. It's not socially acceptable or if it is I am not included in that group. I become instantly frustrated when things go awry no matter the cause. I guess I really do make mountains out of molehills. What the fuck for though? Is there a reason that I continuously do this to myself and others'? Why must I constantly feel the need to play the 'victim' or so I've been told. I've tried to move past that and it keeps coming full circle. If I could escape that stereotype even just momentarily the possibilities just might be endless. I've hurt a lot of people in my life including myself. I hear my thoughts and before I know what has happened the daggers have been thrown and just like a stone, I can't recover them. I understand that if I continue living my life full of fear and guilt, mistrust and such that a truly 'healthy' relationship is not within reach. This above all else angers me and causes a train reaction and once the gears have been shifted into high there is no stopping me. That's scary if I must say so myself. How else am I to let go and live in the moment if I am constantly dredging up the past? I want to love and be loved, unconditionally nonetheless. I want happiness, the kind you only read about in story books and such. I don't believe any longer that a 'happily ever after' exists, because it is no longer the 'norm'. I used to hold onto that thought and over the years I have stripped myself of that childish dream... how does one pursue happiness anyway? Is it something we are born with? Is happiness just meant for certain individuals or is it something that is attainable by everyone in every walk of life? Does true happiness even exist? Is happiness another mask we where? Holy shit! I need answers!