January 28, 2014

I find myself at a crossroad, with no direction. I am scared and alone, knowing full well I have family and some friends, doesn't seem to make much difference at this point in time. I have failed myself repeatedly and have no one to blame but MYSELF. I have made myself physically sick because I know not when to keep my thoughts to myself. It's a fiendish act of hatred turned inward that explodes when I don't get my own way. I don't know which way to turn. It seems that once I've made a decision to travel certain roads, roads that I have been weary of in the past, they are the wrong paths for me to take. I suffer because I know nothing more, nor nothing less. I have grown to comfortable in my own misery. I won't allow myself to be happy for whatever reason. I take out my frustrations on the one I love, or so I say. I then cringe because it's too late to swallow the words I have already thrown up. When will I ever learn? Why is it that I just can't allow myself to bask in 'happiness' if only momentarily? I hate who I become when my insecurities reveal themselves and at the most inopportune moments of the day. It's a daily task pleading with myself, my own thoughts, trying to control whatever it is that lies within.