October 28, 2014

Have you ever wondered what it might feel like to an animal after it has been mauled by another of its' kind?  The questions that it might ponder in its' mind.  Why did this happen to me?  What have I done so wrong to deserve this kind of treatment?  Am I just not good enough?  I survived though and am licking the open wounds and that is proof enough of pain inflicted upon another living being.  Scars from wounds so deep that even time hasn't been able to heal them.  I have been there and my wounds, for some reason just won't heal over, not even long enough for them to become scars.  It's as if I continuously pour salt in order to feel the pain, metaphorically speaking of course as far as physical pain is concerned, and then there is the emotional pain that I experience daily.  The pain of flesh being torn open over and over again, that is exactly what I have been going through lately.  Damned emotional pain so intense that I can physically feel it shredding my entire being.  I too, like that animal wonder daily why this all happened, was I to cause?  What did I do so horrible in life to deserve this?  Am I not good enough?  Then I hear these little whispers in the back of my mind reminding me that I made my life what it is today and I have no one to blame but myself.  I chose the paths that were less traveled for whatever reason.  I ventured into the darkness alone when I knew full well that I should be asking for guidance.  I was too proud and for many fleeting moments was determined to do things on my own, and now looking back, I screwed up.  This realization is a gut wrenching one.  I am sick over this.  I didn't just wake up and have reality slap me in the face, it's taken years to get where I am today.  Words that were spoken have penetrated so deep into my being that they are inscribed and I hear the voices behind the words.  Most days I hate myself and the others?, well I just tolerate me. It's becoming increasingly difficult to mull through the days and that is exactly what I do.