March 26, 2014

When I face my vulnerable feelings all alone I have felt so frightened so I built up a defensive wall to hid behind. To the outside world, I may have appeared to be strong and confident, but this is only a façade to cover up my real feelings of vulnerability. I have become so good a pretending to be strong and invulnerable that I even fool myself. And in doing so I have forgotten what my real self was like. The only time I am reminded of my softer feelings is when I experience them in someone else and this reminder is not a welcome one to say the least. It doesn’t feel good – in fact, it is quite painful emotionally. I instantly become angry with the person who reminds me of these feelings. I hate myself for feeling them and hate the other person for having them. I see the ‘real’ me reflected back at me, and I don’t like what I see. These feelings are crippling and cause me to lash out more often than not subconsciously and as I’ve stated before you cannot recover words after they have been spoken, just like a stone after it has been thrown. Yesterday, I realized that ‘I’ am an emotional abuser by every definition. I suffer from multiple emotional/mental disorders from years of alcohol/drug abuse amongst other things, that I am certain will eventually come out in the wash, as they say. I suppose what I am saying is that I want others’ to suffer for the pain that was inflicted upon me. Pain that is so deep I am afraid to confront it and that fear turns into absolute rage. When it has finally built up so much so that I haven’t the ability to hide it any longer I am instantly enraged and whosoever stands in front of me receives a tongue lashing (in so many words). It’s painful to acknowledge that I am who I am for whatever reason, and to see the sadness or confusion in another’s eyes is so much more painful because I know that I have caused it. Underneath my anger, my need to control, my need to blame, my impatience with the intolerance of others' weaknesses is a great deal of pain. Yes, I am afraid to confront that pain. I am afraid what I might encounter. Hell, I'm afraid of it all. If this makes any sense at all to anyone reading my entries then all of my efforts are not lost. I am by no means strong. My defenses are down and I am at my weakest point. I don't know how to carry on from here.