June 7, 2011

     Admission of defeat perhaps for some my seem extreme however; I must admit that there are situations that arise almost daily that I am completely and utterly powerless over.  I seldom contemplated the thought that a situation was out of my control but I sit here inspite of myself acknowledging such.  It disturbs me to no end that this is what I must face daily.  I feel transparent. I remember this feeling oh too well.  I'm standing here, yet it seems as if no one but my own self is aware of my presence.  I'll be damned if I'm going to allow myself to feel as empty and alone as I once was (as it creeps up on me) I'm aware of my insecurities and it is not sad to feel insecure, it's an acquired sense.  Security in relationships?  HA!  I have yet to experience security, although there have been few moments in time when in the presence of another that I have felt safe, but those times are few are far between.  Perhaps I have dreamt those moments although they were so vivid and realistic that I believe them to be reality.  I certainly can remember the scent of the skin, the touch of the hands, the sensation that the lips left behind, and then.... and then... like a shooting star it was gone. It pains me to have once tasted and experienced such paradise and then to have it ripped from my grasp as if I was unworthy.  Yes, right here right now I'm that girl once again, standing before you, asking "am I worthy of love?"  I feel it, the tug on the heart strings, the butterflies, the weak knees.

     Even if I've never believed in fate, I do believe I am becoming more aware of its existence. Circumstances that were supposedly beyond my control have put me  in touch with someone I wouldn't have met if I hadn't been diverted -- so I try to look beyond my delusions and my warped sense of self, and see clearly what stands before me.  I have lived within my emotions and I thought it a safe haven for myself, little did I know the harm I was doing not only to myself but others'.  I have stood on the edge of the plank overlooking the hungry eyes of those ready and willing to devour me, and in doing so realized that they hunger for weakness, something I no longer possess.  The futile feelings that once controlled my every waking hour are slowly dissipating into the darkness where they most certainly belong.  I am not allowing those plagued with misery to take control of me, I won't, I can't. I am walking in the sunlight today, and I have been given the ability to step back from the edge and let those who hunger for misery and flesh, starve and dive into the depths of their own misery.  "But for the grace of GOD, there go I", and I am certainly moving forward, sometimes taking the scenic route, but moving forward nonetheless.