June 16, 2011

     I now know the overwhelming feeling of emotional wreckage.  It took complete control of me yesterday in every sense and then some.  I was alone, frustrated, lonely, I felt everything, and every emotion imaginable to woman all at once.  I felt as though I had at that very moment been beaten, beaten by the demons that I could have sworn I locked away.  It was as though I felt something snap, I even imagined I heard it, then suddenly tears started trickling down my cheeks and I lost all control over myself.  I couldn't contain the tears, I screamed, I stomped my feet, asked God, "Why ME?"  Still feeling very much alone, or perhaps I bring that on myself as well.  I was told that this is my "disease" trying to weaken me so I revert to what I've known.  I can't allow this to continue.  This carried on throughout the evening and into the wee hours of this very morning.  Now, I have an emotional hangover.  I'm not proud of how I acted or reacted, I have no one to blame for my insecurities but myself.  I beat myself up enough as it is.  I've had enough, I've endured all I can, I cannot allow myself to suffocate any longer, nor wallow in my own self-pity.  It's poison running through my veins, will, without hesitation be the end all.  I'm not ready to admit defeat.  I can't succumb to that way of life again.  It will be the death of me.  I'm too young, I don't want to die, I don't want to give up either.  Fuck,  I'll be damned.  Set aside the emotional pain, the physical pain I'm enduring is just as if not more overwhelming than all the rest.  I have to breathe. I can't breathe.  I want to move forward.  I want so much.  I'm  scared to death.  I'm afraid to close my eyes at night.  Hell, I'm afraid of everything.  I'm afraid of my own shadow some days.  It's got to get better.  When will it get better? Damn these emotions, damn those skeletons.  Damn, damn, damn. I can't undo what's been done, I can wish it away, but reality smacks me in the face and I remember what I've said and done.  I'm mortified.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Back to the drawing board I suppose.