The Hole I Reside In...

Figuratively speaking of course, the holes I have dug and continue to do are a comfortable hiding place for my soul when I feel lost and alone.  It's heart wrenching and I ache from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.  I lose control of myself in anguish that I certainly bring on myself, even after being told everything will be just fine.  I find solace in thinking that once again I will be forgotten, and left behind, then I need not fear loneliness because I will be reliving it as I have done, or at least I think I do. What the hell do I know?  I know how to push away, never pull in closer those that mean the most to me.  Why do I do this?  I haven't the answer.  I've asked God for guidance and still I draw a blank and continue with these thoughts that overwhelm me to say the least.  I fear being alone and it's a genuine fear.  It scares me to death.  Months before I wouldn't have cared, for I had a bottled up best friend.  I would drink away every emotion, until I became numb.  I no longer have to turn to satan in the bottle, I feel these feelings, good, bad and indifferent.  I'm confused most days, not knowing what it is exactly I feel, so I must take time and reflect on my inner strengths, when they are available to guide me in the right direction once again.  Setting aside my insecurities, thinking that all men are the same, and let the sunlight shine through the darkness, and relieve all the negativity.  It may sound simple, but I'll be damned if I don't struggle daily with this bullshit.  Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and saying FUCK IT ALL, then I remember where I was and FUCK that I'm okay right here right now, with my insecurities and all.  I'd rather live one day at a time sober, than not live at all.  Wheww..... There's so much spinning through my mind right now.  All of the what if's and it makes me crazy, I wish I could shut my mind down and delete all of the negative thoughts start fresh.  This is so frustrating, I'm crying out loud, almost a scream, and once again no one hears me.  WHY?  Do I not deserve love?  Am I punishing myself?  WTF is wrong here.  Damn!  I want that crystal ball so I know what I have to look forward to or not.  I need to know where it is exactly I stand, which end of the line it is I'm standing in.  I'm feeling neglected, misunderstood, I can't say what it is exactly that I'm feeling because there all being thrown at me at once.  GOD!  Do I deserve to continuously brutalize myself emotionally?  I need help here.  I know that I'm loved, I feel the love, yet somethings missing, something crucial is missing and I'm feeling lonely.  That hole is looking ever so comforting right now, but I dare not approach it in fear I may never recover this time.  It will take hold of me but for good.  I've got to get out of my own head and focus on something else but what?  GOD....give me strength, strength I've not yet possessed.  I can't do this alone any longer.  I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm feeling very much alone.