Never ceases to amaze me, the emotions that take control of my every movement, every word, action, reaction to every single word spoken or not spoken. Feelings of misunderstanding within myself are overwhelming me at this very moment, or is it the voices in my head trying to discourage me from walking along the lit paths. Definitely a thought to ponder today. The hole I spoke of seems to have been barricaded for the time being, so I need not fear entering into that dark, damp, cold and lonely place just for today, that is. It's as if the waves have stopped crashing in, forcing me to gasp for that breathe that I probably take for granted most days. I'm only human after all, I'm going to have bad days along with the good, and some days will be worse than others'. I am work in progress and it's not an easy road to say the least. I'm still struggling. Damn it! I'm still struggling. After all of this time, I just assumed that life would become so much easier, but I have to make it difficult for myself and the ones I love. Am I sabotaging myself? I'm completely at a loss, dazed and confused. There is so much in life that I desire and yet am afraid to go after or even ask. Does fear constantly have to be a part of my life? I think some days I'm even afraid of my own reflection, may seem absurd to some but in all actuality it's frustrating for me.
I know what needs to be done in order to maintain my 'sanity' and live in peace and harmony with others'. I need, NO! I must let go. I have to let go! Damn, it's not an option any longer. I cannot continue this living this life, or if I'm living at all, carrying this damned black bag of emotions with me where ever I go. The weight is bearing down not only on my shoulders, but my soul. It's a bag of mixed emotions, misdirected anger and frustrations, from my past life, a figurative bag, but a bag nonetheless. What if I just empty it's contents and watch them go out to sea? Seems easy enough, but I'll be damned if I can just watch them float, without jumping in to save a few of those inessential emotions that I must rid myself of. Mountains out of molehills, I'm told. "OKAY, I GET IT." I do create my own mountains and in doing so have an adverse effect on others' and by no means are they intentional. WOW! I have to stop allowing these thoughts control me. I'm living in this moment, right here, right now. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I'll live each moment as they come. That's it! That's the answer, living in the here and now. Did I just finally, after all this time, realize that? Have I known all along? I never cease to amaze myself, I tell ya. <3<3
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