June 1, 2011

The misery or so I thought, that I have allowed myself to endure, turned out to be complex learning experiences, stepping stones if I might say.  These stones have given me the ability to overcome what some may see as the end of all in sight.  I have begrudged so many for so long, not ever once looking back and thanking GOD for all that he has given me.  Perhaps I have overlooked subconsciously the little things that life has given me, but then again WHO is to say.  I have acknowledged all I have done and then some for that matter.  I have endured endless days, months, even years of absolute misery, only to realize that I was punishing myself for the past.  If I only knew then all that I know now, as the phrase is so delicately worded, would I be the woman (girl) I am today?  Would I be able to walk into a room with my head held high, in spite of myself?  In a word, I can tell you, sincerely, with all honesty, "NO!"  I cannot undo what has been done, nor do I possess the desire to do such a thing.  I have caused pain, physically and emotionally to others' some I believe very well deserving of such.  I have the ability today to overlook the negative (occasionally that is) and continue moving forward.  Temper tantrums, jealousies, insecurities are still all very real, and continue to arise, but with a bit of perseverance I will overcome those as well.  Stepping stones in my travels, I have scooped them up, some I hold close, and others' I throw as far as I possibly can.  I don't want to take one single step backwards, only forward, there is nothing in my past today that I regret or feel remorseful for.  Everything happens for a reason, some of those reasons are still a mystery to me, so I need to let them be.  My heart is crying out today more so than days before, not because I am afraid, but because I am lost, still.  I know what it is I am embarking upon, yet the directions are undefined.  I want what I want when I want it.  I will wait patiently, and perhaps without me uttering a word, he/she will know what is needed in order to complete us.  I know it's clear, I hear it constantly, I taste it once again.