June 24, 2011

Perhaps it's my soul that needs cleansing and not my mind.  I need to scour myself, starting from the inside and working my way out.  Rid myself of all those negative thoughts, memories, all of it, all of them and all of YOU. Some have said I claim PERFECTION!  I never alleged such, nor have I contemplated anything remotely close to perfection. Get out of my fucking head, and out of my fucking life.  Leave me and mine alone.  What more will it take, for God sake what do I have to do or say to convince you that you are no longer a welcome thought even.  Perhaps, once upon a time you were, and now that I'm growing you think you can hold onto old thoughts, well have I news for you.  It's over, this love affair you have with my fucking mind is over.  I'm done.  I will not be that prisoner you've abused emotionally, from the very start, not now not again. I WILL NOT SABOTAGE my own happiness. I've worked diligently to get where I am today, and struggled profusely, battling my emotions and my thoughts.  I can say with all sincerity that I, today, am capable of 'LOVE'.  That other four letter word or so I always thought.  I may have used it in vein in the past, but then again only GOD knows for certain.  I do know that I was in love yesterday, and yesterday spilled over into today.  So I am in love today as well.  I can't believe it, it scares the shit out of me, figuratively speaking of course.  20 years plus of drinking, and masking my true emotions, my true self, and I still struggle with the one emotion, the one to  end all emotions.  I do love, I am there.  I've experienced it in my dreams. It's risky to say the least, but Love is much more than a risk, but is a risk that one can take and grasp and fall into a dark abyss or dig oneself a hole and only crawl back when you overcome your emotions. Its concepts are just a never ending story of an open book of experiences. But love does lie in one's heart, where memories are but shadows, lingering in your soul. Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.  I have faith in that my heart will not be broken this time, nor will I be the breaker of hearts.  I know the pain.  I have tasted loves' nectar once upon a time, and long for it once again.