Infinite feelings of weakness are overshadowing to say the least. They somehow take hold and cling to my entire being in horror, that somehow they are in fact losing control. I have, with all the valor I possess, been exasperating every avenue imaginable in order to ward off these parasites that annihilate my every thought. When will they learn that they are no longer a welcome part of what remains of my core? Do they genuinely believe within themselves (these parasites) that I am going to give in to their treachery? This is the greatest of all obstacles I have yet to overcome. I not only want to vanquish them entirely but with such great passion, that they too realize they no longer have reign over my body, mind and soul.
I must admit however; I find myself, more frequently these past weeks, reverting back to my comfort zone. I know it’s not safe there, and I know the damage that has been done. I review daily, each and every movement, word, action and/or reaction I have had, sometimes more strenuous than I could have predicted with my own little crystal ball. It’s a quotidian task. I find it a grueling task, taking a personal inventory of myself that is, trying with all of my might to decode all that still remains.
I have images and thoughts, memories good and bad, stored in every nook and cranny of my mind, yet slowly, I am making every effort in order to put on a shelf only those that are of great significance to me and my life. I’m lining my shelves with love and devotion, and delicately placing each thought, each image, each good memory, and some of the bad (only to remind me where it is I have been) up high so as to not disturb them, for they are the most fragile of all I possess. You see, the material possessions are not what are important to me; I want what others view as insignificant, because those small yet loving gestures that are ever so few and far between, I hold closest to my heart.
Today is a new day, with all of the pressures of yesterday. I refuse to allow my yesterday’s take hold of me today. As I calmly sit here and take a breathe, and then another and so on, as if it were my last, I now understand “One day at a time.” For all of the love I possess, has accumulated in my soul, and is now ready to be allocated to the one or ones' who are most deserving of MY love. It does come without consequence, my love that is, for I know the pain endured. I will love unconditionally for I now know how. I want to adorn you and yours with beautiful memories, for they are all that will be taken with us in the end.
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