June 2, 2011

Horrific feelings pent up inside of me always surface to those who are closest to me.  I tend to react instantly to negativity and the end result is the same as it has always been.  I thought that perhaps I might have had this all under control, needless to say I was once again in the wrong.  How long must I endure the presence of skeletons not only in my backyard so to speak but in my head as well.  I presume it's a life long process of letting go of old behaviors, but I want instant gratification just as everyone else does. I'm not asking for much here, just a bit of serenity within myself.  Some days once again are more difficult to tolerate than others'.  I try to be the best mother, the best sister, the best friend and to no avail, I step outside of the lines' and allow the misery to over power me.  I haven't yet let go of my anger, and it's dangerous I know, dangerous for others' and it scares me to death occasionally.  I need to stay on my toes and evaluate each and every situation, each and every word spoken and not, then absorb what is and is not being said, and act accordingly.  It doesn't sound difficult, but I'll be damned if I can take my own advice and apply it to my every day life.  I'm sick and tired of hurting the ones' I love, then groveling afterwards, hoping they will realize that my intentions are pure of heart and not meant to be hurtful.  I say things in jest, and at times those words, are misconstrued and it pains me to know I may have said something out of context unintentionally.  Why do I not possess the ability to simply say what's on my mind and be done with it?  It's not that difficult yet I make it into a project.  I research within myself the days events and then some.  I analyze words, and phrases and come to my own conclusions as opposed to reading and/or hearing what is being said.  Perhaps I'm looking for the negativity after all years of living and dwelling in it has caused me to become accustomed to it, not to say that I am comfortable with it any longer, it's habit, and maybe that's just an excuse.  I can't always be sure that others' will perceive me for who I am, and who am I for that matter?  I am first and foremost a daughter, a sister, a mother, a friend and perhaps some day someones' life.  For now I have to accept who I am or better yet who I am rediscovering, which is much more difficult than I had ever anticipated.  I do like who I am, however to say that I love myself would make me seem conceited and I am by no means that.  I don't want to inflict pain, nor do I want to be at the receiving end anymore.  I know how words can cut the flesh and the wounds seem as though they will never heal.  I need to take a few steps back today and focus my attention on living life, not trying to dominate it.  After all I am still that girl, fragile and scared, but I am here.