June 13, 2011

Try as I may, I'm not certain I can hold on much longer to anger, it's devouring me, completely.  I talk freely of this black hole that has tormented and teased me for so long, and for a brief moment I feel a sense of relief.  Then it occurs to me that it was momentary, that fleeting feeling of serenity was absolutely momentary.  I am aware of the damage all of this anger has done, and has the capability of continuing to do so, if I do not let go entirely.  I can no longer afford to be a prisoner of my own devise.  "This to shall pass", they say.  Who exactly is "they" and are they certain that this will subside and let me live a life of peace, love and serenity?  I want answers dammit and I want them now.  I know, I know, good things come to those who wait right?  Well, believe you me I've waited a friggen lifetime and I believe my time has come.  I know now that I deserve all that my "heart" desires and it is without a doubt within reach.  I close my eyes, stretch my arms out and wait for it's embrace, yet, nothing.  My eyes are open and my arms are empty.  Do I bring this on myself?  Do I throw myself out there only to be trampled upon, or am I delusional once again?  Is my sense of self as warped as it once was?  Fuck NO!  I will not allow anyone nor anything to divert me. I have chosen the road I wish to travel this time and I am no longer allowing others' the ability to influence me in any way.  If the road I trudge seems desolate then so be it, I chose to travel alone, I have to clear my head.  My thoughts are scrambled and desperation is setting in, I need clarity, I fear rejection.  What if?  What if all that I am after is a mirage?  I feel safe and secure here, walking alone, looking towards the sky, seeing all the beauty I have overlooked so many years before.  I put one foot in front of the other, continue down MY chosen road, in hopes that God will answer my prayers and take from me all that ails my heart and mind.  Time, so I've heard is on my side.  I've set aside so much in order to get to where it is I am today, and am ever so grateful for hurdling those obstacles that are only tests of my will.  Thy will be done.  Today, I am missing a part of my soul, the fragment of myself that completes me.  I'll continue walking this road alone, in hopes that I will be joined by that shard, (the one that fits ever so perfectly) reappears.  I may cry from time to time, and I am entitled to those tears.  I will be strong today, and why shouldn't I be?  Today is unlike any other day, and I am forced to walk alone, and carry myself, with my own head held high.  Here I am, and there I go.  Such a wonderful emotion, happiness, that is...