Gifts of Imperfection...

How do I move forward from here?  I feel lost!  I'm afraid, the feeling is surreal. the inadequacies that I possess are demoralizing to put it bluntly.  I can't seem to get a grip on my emotional insecurities and I know this will be my own demise.  Gifts!  HA!  I am a most imperfect person.  I have scars to prove it, not only physical but emotional, and accepting the emotional scars is so much more difficult than accepting the physical ones.  I infuriate myself daily, why can't I be 'NORMAL'?  Why must I be the one who loses control of her own fears, and allow others' to be themselves.  Do I have to be the saboteur?  Damned I suppose.  I know that my imperfections are real and they can be a deadly sin for me, what must I do in order to rid myself completely of them.  I'm not seeking perfection, just happiness, absolute happiness.  I have tasted happiness, then I ruin it. 
Diamonds are imperfect yet they are admired by all even with their imperfections.  Why can't I just be happy with my gifts of imperfection?  Why must I constantly fight with myself?  Why do I continuously do all that I do?  Will someone, please, please give me some guidance, before it's too late, before I destroy a love completely. 

June 30, 2011

I realize the impact I have on others' daily, but not once took into consideration the impact I had on myself and my emotional state of being.  I listen intently to all that others' have to say, and absorb most if not all, then remove what doesn't pertain to me and store the rest allowing it to fester.  Fester indeed!  I allow myself to build a grand explosion of emotion and all at once it erupts and I spew flames and corrosion in every direction not being thoughtful to others at all.  I pay the price as I have always done, and it breaks me down, slowly, until I am once again standing on the edge waiting for that last shove, to throw me overboard.  Why don't I see these things before they appear?  What the FUCK is wrong with me?  I hate myself today.  I frantically made phone calls in order to save my own life earlier, the one person that I needed to talk to the most is unavailable to me.  I am scared to DEATH.  I know he's right there on the other side of that door, waiting for the right moment, when I am at my weakest and throw open the door. He will be waiting with hungry eyes, to devour me as he has done in the past. He is Satan, he will be my demise if I don't learn how to control myself.  I can't allow him to control me.  I need to talk, I need to express no matter the cost.  Why is it that I am always seemingly in the wrong?  Am I sabotaging my own life?  Perhaps I need to say what's on my mind at the very moment any insecurities emerge, prior to speculation of my own doing.  I thought I was able to step beyond the childish behaviors I still, obviously, possess.  Apparently not.  I am an alcoholic and am work in progress.  I claim progress not  PERFECTION.  I don't want perfection either.  I've been drinking and abusing myself for a long time, and ridding myself of old behaviors isn't going to take place in less than a fucking year.  I have to continue to remind myself that this too shall pass.  Fuck I hate those cliches, but they work.  They are somehow soothing actually.  I'm pissed, I feel misunderstood, rejected, neglected, alone, afraid, angry, selfish, shit I'm a ball of fricken emotion.  Damn it.  Why can't I just be fucking HAPPY?  Why do I have to be me, can't someone else be me?  I'm confused damn.  Love... is it just a word to be thrown around?  I thought it was a feeling, a sense of security, knowing no matter what you can be you, or I can be me.  I can confide, and trust, kick and scream, cry uncontrollably and still be loved.  A bond not to be taken lightly. Penguins know love...they mate for life.  It's beautiful knowing that.  The pebble and the penguin, how wonderful a thought, that your mate would search the seas over for that perfect pebble and present it to you, and upon acceptance you are one, for all eternity.  What a crock of shit when it comes to us though.  It's a wonderful thought, while it lasts.  I want that kind of love, I have that, I need that.  I need compassion, and understanding, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold me down when I feel all hope is gone.  I don't want a fairy tale, I want to write my own.  Can't you see?  I am just a girl, scared, confused standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, with all of his heart. 

June 29, 2011

It's becoming more and more painstaking to write daily.  My thoughts and emotions are all over the place.  New found memories are being created and it's overwhelming to say the least, some days more so than others'.  I can without hesitation however say that I am loving life, no matter the obstacles placed in my path.  I clear them with one giant leap, and so on.  Some days I do trip myself and revert to my old ways of thinking and in doing so drag my knuckles on the pavement so much so that the pain is unbearable, and it's then that I realize, there is no longer any need for pain, only happiness, as in happily ever afters' happiness.  I am in search of such, and I do believe that with a little more perseverance, and understanding, and perhaps much guidance I will attain that happily ever after happiness.  Watch out world, I'm on the rebound, never felt better, even when I'm down and out, there is always a glimmer in my eyes, I see it.  I see you too, all of you, completely, and I wish that I could paint a picture and present it to you, so that you too, could see you.  I see me, not completely, but slowly, I see me, changing daily and it's exhilarating and wonderful...I can only imagine what lies ahead. <3 <3

June 28, 2011

Coincidence?  I think not, because I don't believe in any such thing!  Chance?  Perhaps!  Change? Absolutely!  I took a chance that I would change and I believe I have and that I am daily.  I still have a piece of the old me, stashed away and it's bothersome.  I have no reasons to hold onto her, she did me no justice only brought complete misery and turmoil into my life.  I've told her she is no longer welcome, but she laughs nonetheless uncontrollably at me.  I've shunned her, she is no longer a welcome face.  I am moving on.

June 27, 2011

Battered, beaten and bruised, physically, emotionally and spiritually; that was me not too long ago.  I have found a new freedom and a new happiness and to say the least I am holding onto this for dear life.  I cannot look back on my past, it's haunting and painful.  I want to breathe in this new life, this new me, this new love with every fragment of my being.  I inhale and taste life, I exhale and rid myself of slices of my past.  A new me is emerging and it's taken it's toll on the me I used to be.  That person is fading and allowing the new me to emerge.  I hold my pen upright and my thoughts aren't scrambled and senseless any more, they are full of inspiration and beauty, and I welcome them today, I am able to put into words, what I've feared for so long.  I have arrived, I am right where I need to be just for today.  I have longed for a place to belong and I now know where it is that I want to be, wrapped in the arms of God.  He is guiding me, he has given me hope for my future, he has been holding my hand all the while, and now I sense he may let go, but I know that he will always be there, to redirect when I fall off that beaten path so many others' have traveled to find their own happiness and their destiny.   Love is no longer that four-letter word I feared, it's real and genuine.  I love you, always...

June 24, 2011

Perhaps it's my soul that needs cleansing and not my mind.  I need to scour myself, starting from the inside and working my way out.  Rid myself of all those negative thoughts, memories, all of it, all of them and all of YOU. Some have said I claim PERFECTION!  I never alleged such, nor have I contemplated anything remotely close to perfection. Get out of my fucking head, and out of my fucking life.  Leave me and mine alone.  What more will it take, for God sake what do I have to do or say to convince you that you are no longer a welcome thought even.  Perhaps, once upon a time you were, and now that I'm growing you think you can hold onto old thoughts, well have I news for you.  It's over, this love affair you have with my fucking mind is over.  I'm done.  I will not be that prisoner you've abused emotionally, from the very start, not now not again. I WILL NOT SABOTAGE my own happiness. I've worked diligently to get where I am today, and struggled profusely, battling my emotions and my thoughts.  I can say with all sincerity that I, today, am capable of 'LOVE'.  That other four letter word or so I always thought.  I may have used it in vein in the past, but then again only GOD knows for certain.  I do know that I was in love yesterday, and yesterday spilled over into today.  So I am in love today as well.  I can't believe it, it scares the shit out of me, figuratively speaking of course.  20 years plus of drinking, and masking my true emotions, my true self, and I still struggle with the one emotion, the one to  end all emotions.  I do love, I am there.  I've experienced it in my dreams. It's risky to say the least, but Love is much more than a risk, but is a risk that one can take and grasp and fall into a dark abyss or dig oneself a hole and only crawl back when you overcome your emotions. Its concepts are just a never ending story of an open book of experiences. But love does lie in one's heart, where memories are but shadows, lingering in your soul. Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.  I have faith in that my heart will not be broken this time, nor will I be the breaker of hearts.  I know the pain.  I have tasted loves' nectar once upon a time, and long for it once again. 

June 23, 2011

The rain is pouring down like tears, today as it has done days before, but today, I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and for no other apparent reason then love.  It has taken a hold of my soul, and is growing with each passing moment.

June 22, 2011

Storms produce energy that is unspeakable, yet when I stand and watch with intent, I feel that surge rush through my veins unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  God is on my side, today, I let him in; I’ve cleared that way for him, to guide me, to reassure me, and to love me.  I used to think he had forgotten all about this girl, standing alone, struggling to hold onto to dreams from childhood, and all the while, he was right there, out of sight, yet there.  I’m struggling today to hold back the tears, not caused by pain, but joy.  I feel rejuvenated and whole again.  Nothing will stand in my way, I won’t allow it.  All that I am and all that I possess spiritually I owe to one and only one, and that one is God.  He has given me the strength to clear my head, my thoughts, and my vision.  Vision once obscured by Satan in a bottle.  That bottle is my past; I will no longer stagger nor slur my words, my hopes, nor my dreams.  My childhood dreams are becoming reality and yes, I am scared at times, but as long as I walk the straight and narrow road, fear will not jump out from behind the shrubs and get the best of this girl.  I never imagined (perhaps I have, but must have taken all for granted) standing, being witness to such wonder, and absorbing all that it possesses, it’s overwhelming.  I saw flashes of light and heard the roll of the thunder as if I was hearing and seeing for the first time ever.  This is what it’s all about, living life, not letting it pass you by, I understand now.  This is where I belong, right here, and right now.  Loving and living and learning all the while.

June 21, 2011

Occasionally, at the most inopportune moments, life creeps up on us, well me. It's creeping ever so slowly, and I am feeling rejuvenated almost daily now.  I'm beginning to realize that my past need not interfere with today, and in doing so, I am much happier, much more content with myself.  I still have flaws, and don't we all, some I'd like to change, but they're only physical, and I suppose God gave me all that I need to work with.  I am in the moment, this moment, wait it's THAT moment because it's gone.  Just like that time slips away.  I cannot allow another moment slip through my fingertips, without acknowledging it.  I want to and need to savor every single moment God is giving to me, because I don't know which moment will be the one I've waited a life time for.  I can only day dream the dreams I used to when I was younger and hope that they will all come true.

June 20, 2011

Sometimes, at the strangest moments, thoughts creep up on me, forcing me to take a longer, deeper look at myself.  Today is most definitely one of those days.  Not that these thoughts are at all negative or lacking to be more specific, just random thoughts that are passing through, and somehow get hung up and stick around longer than others’.  I have to believe that there are specific reasons for these thoughts lingering longer than necessary, and yet I’m puzzled.  Yes, I must agree that I am that ‘girl’, the one standing in the shadows of everyone else, afraid of drawing too much attention to herself, yet wanting to nonetheless.  I used to smile to mask my emotions, and now I smile because I can and it’s not a façade, there is nothing to hide, I’m genuinely happy, not all of the time, but for the most part.  Perhaps this is me rambling, in a desperate attempt to convey to myself and others’ that I am here, I’ve been here for a long time, and now I am ready for more.  I am learning, and growing, and learning to grow, learning to accept myself, with all of my flaws, or character defects, whatever they may be called, I am learning.  I am without hesitation work in progress.  Slowly I’m allowing others’ in, not that it’s any more comfortable now than it may have been before, hell, I’ve not ever let a soul in completely.  I want to, I want others’ to know who I am, what makes me happy, sad, angry, hurt all of it.  One day a time I suppose.  

Yesterday I was out and about and was watching a group of deer graze, and to my complete and utter astonishment, what I thought was a goat, turned out to be nothing less than a White Deer.  How amazing is that.  Everything happens in 3’s I believe, that was #3 for me.  Thus the following is a necessary read…

"All creatures are noble, and have profound messages to share with us. However, those animals that are white can be some of our most powerful teachers.

"The Native Americans believed the occurrence of a white animal was a huge sign of prophecy – a sign from the great spirit that a major shift in their world was to come.

"Usually, white animals were seen during soul-quests, or vision-quests. However, if one was seen during the normal course of day, this would cause a tremendous ripple among the tribe. A great meeting would be called, the elders would be consulted, and great care would be taken to communicate with the animal spirits to determine the meaning of the message.

"Not much has changed over time, as you yourself recognize the special power of the white deer that comes to you – and wish to know more about it.

"When white occurs in the animal realm it is a message of:

* higher thoughts
* higher ideals
* purity of soul
* cleansing of spirit
* attaining higher knowledge

"Compound these attributes with the those that the Female deer represents:

* Benevolence
* Kindness
* Creativity
* Spirituality
* Renewal
* Connectedness

"The Male deer holds the same representations, but also includes attributes of:

* Longevity
* Virility
* Abundance
* Endurance

"The deer was/is a symbol to the Native Americans representative of the great spirit – a sign of the sun as its antlers spread like the sun’s rays. The Native Americans also recognized the shedding and regrowth of the antlers and deemed this a symbol of regeneration, cycle, and growth.

"Above all, we can recognize the sensitivity of the deer - alert, keen, and always aware – we can translate these qualities to of being spiritually aware – and this is why the deer is seen primarily as a spiritual symbol.

"The fact that you were able to see this very powerful sign – the white deer – is a message that you are on a path of growth and expansion that will lead you in a direction beyond your wildest dreams. The message of the white deer is one of “get ready.” "

And my response to all of this, "Oh really now, I am ready."

June 17, 2011

Here we go again.  Overwhelmed emotionally, not having the ability to put certain things into perspective, blow my mind to say the least.  I clench my fists, scream, walk away.  I walk away, calmly so as not to draw too much attention to myself.  That ever so daunting black cloud is overhead, I know it's there, I sense it.  Waiting for me to make my move, then it will open itself completely and drop all that I'm trying to rid myself of, right back where it all came from.  The damn cloud. YOU WILL NOT DUMP ON ME TODAY! I will listen intently to the thunder as the rain hammers down, and close my eyes and envision a moment in time, when the rain was refreshing and euphoric.  I see that moment, I feel that moment, I can most certainly taste it to.  I savor moments such as those.  They have been few and far between, but I hold dear to me, those few moments, the one's time has almost forgotten.  I will ask for guidance today, I will hold the hand of another and feel the breathe that I breath leaving me, as if to say, "It's going to be okay, I've got a hold on you."  I'm not scared today, I know I'm in Gods' hands today.  I feel his presence all around me, unlike days before.  I've opened my mind today.  I have an open mind today, can you believe it?  Hell, that's a hard pill to swallow.  I'm tired of wallowing in shit, shit that has absolutely nothing to do with me, right here, right now.  It's more than frustrating not being allowed the time to sort through thoughts, with constant interruptions, being pulled in different directions.  DAMN!  Okay, breathe, just breathe....this too shall pass, or at least I pray to God it does.  WOW!  Another day down, and so far so good. 

June 16, 2011

     I now know the overwhelming feeling of emotional wreckage.  It took complete control of me yesterday in every sense and then some.  I was alone, frustrated, lonely, I felt everything, and every emotion imaginable to woman all at once.  I felt as though I had at that very moment been beaten, beaten by the demons that I could have sworn I locked away.  It was as though I felt something snap, I even imagined I heard it, then suddenly tears started trickling down my cheeks and I lost all control over myself.  I couldn't contain the tears, I screamed, I stomped my feet, asked God, "Why ME?"  Still feeling very much alone, or perhaps I bring that on myself as well.  I was told that this is my "disease" trying to weaken me so I revert to what I've known.  I can't allow this to continue.  This carried on throughout the evening and into the wee hours of this very morning.  Now, I have an emotional hangover.  I'm not proud of how I acted or reacted, I have no one to blame for my insecurities but myself.  I beat myself up enough as it is.  I've had enough, I've endured all I can, I cannot allow myself to suffocate any longer, nor wallow in my own self-pity.  It's poison running through my veins, will, without hesitation be the end all.  I'm not ready to admit defeat.  I can't succumb to that way of life again.  It will be the death of me.  I'm too young, I don't want to die, I don't want to give up either.  Fuck,  I'll be damned.  Set aside the emotional pain, the physical pain I'm enduring is just as if not more overwhelming than all the rest.  I have to breathe. I can't breathe.  I want to move forward.  I want so much.  I'm  scared to death.  I'm afraid to close my eyes at night.  Hell, I'm afraid of everything.  I'm afraid of my own shadow some days.  It's got to get better.  When will it get better? Damn these emotions, damn those skeletons.  Damn, damn, damn. I can't undo what's been done, I can wish it away, but reality smacks me in the face and I remember what I've said and done.  I'm mortified.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm ashamed of myself.  Back to the drawing board I suppose.

June 15, 2011

     Infinite feelings of weakness are overshadowing to say the least.  They somehow take hold and cling to my entire being in horror, that somehow they are in fact losing control.  I have, with all the valor I possess, been exasperating every avenue imaginable in order to ward off these parasites that annihilate my every thought.  When will they learn that they are no longer a welcome part of what remains of my core?  Do they genuinely believe within themselves (these parasites) that I am going to give in to their treachery?  This is the greatest of all obstacles I have yet to overcome.  I not only want to vanquish them entirely but with such great passion, that they too realize they no longer have reign over my body, mind and soul. 

     I must admit however; I find myself, more frequently these past weeks, reverting back to my comfort zone.  I know it’s not safe there, and I know the damage that has been done.  I review daily, each and every movement, word, action and/or reaction I have had, sometimes more strenuous than I could have predicted with my own little crystal ball.  It’s a quotidian task.  I find it a grueling task, taking a personal inventory of myself that is, trying with all of my might to decode all that still remains. 

     I have images and thoughts, memories good and bad, stored in every nook and cranny of my mind, yet slowly, I am making every effort in order to put on a shelf only those that are of great significance to me and my life.  I’m lining my shelves with love and devotion, and delicately placing each thought, each image, each good memory, and some of the bad (only to remind me where it is I have been) up high so as to not disturb them, for they are the most fragile of all I possess.  You see, the material possessions are not what are important to me; I want what others view as insignificant, because those small yet loving gestures that are ever so few and far between, I hold closest to my heart.

    Today is a new day, with all of the pressures of yesterday.  I refuse to allow my yesterday’s take hold of me today.  As I calmly sit here and take a breathe, and then another and so on, as if it were my last, I now understand “One day at a time.” For all of the love I possess, has accumulated in my soul, and is now ready to be allocated to the one or ones' who are most deserving of MY love.  It does come without consequence, my love that is, for I know the pain endured.  I will love unconditionally for I now know how.  I want to adorn you and yours with beautiful memories, for they are all that will be taken with us in the end.

What is Love?

How do you define love? 

Some say it's mysterious, magical, complex, difficult, imaginary, thought-provoking, inspirational, intuitive, joyous, immeasurable, ecstasy, and undefinable. Perhaps.

Love is the answer to "all" questions! 

It is important to stand in Love, not fall into it. 

Love is waking up to find the object of your affection in the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder. 

Could it be that Love is a story that can never be fully expressed? 

Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen 

Love is a bond or connection between two people that results in trust, intimacy, and an interdependence that enhances both partners. 

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. - Leo Buscaglia 

Making Love is the highest level and the most loving way we can physically express or demonstrate our Love for our love partner. Everyone knows that the sexual experience can be the single most loving, most exciting, most powerful, most exhilarating, most renewing, most energizing, most affirming, most intimate, most uniting, most stress-relieving, most recreative physical experience of which humans are capable.

If you would be loved, love and be lovable. - Benjamin Franklin 

Love is comforting someone in need of Love and having them know that somebody cares. 

Love is looking past imperfections in your partner and seeing the beautiful person inside. True love seeks the happiness and wellbeing of your partner. Love expresses itself in the mutual respect you demonstrate to your partner. 

Love must be experienced. Its meaning is infinite and can never be totally defined. 

The opposite of Love is fear. Think about it. 

There is no fear in Love; but perfect love casts out fear. - Bible, 1 John 4:18 

True Love is the nature of bliss. 

Love is expressed when you are being someone who loves someone for who they are, not who you think they should be. 

Love is embracing differences and discovering ways in which to build a common lifestyle, share decision-making, and taking equal responsibility for the results. 

 

Love is a decision. 

If you want Love, you must first Love. Love begets Love. You cannot deliver from an empty wagon. You must first learn to Love yourself before you can give Love.

Love is to like with a great intensity. 

True love has a foundation of integrity, respect, faith and trust. Love is the force that brings about unity and harmony. 

Although love is at the root of our basic nature, Love for another human being must be cultivated. It takes time for Love to mature. 

Love is embracing differences and discovering ways in which to build a common lifestyle, share decision-making, and take equal responsibility for the results. 

The road to self-discovery is paved with Love. 

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.
Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.

Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Love has no meaning other than the meaning "we" give it.

June 14, 2011

     Never ceases to amaze me, the emotions that take control of my every movement, every word, action, reaction to every single word spoken or not spoken.  Feelings of misunderstanding within myself are overwhelming me at this very moment, or is it the voices in my head trying to discourage me from walking along the lit paths.  Definitely a thought to ponder today.  The hole I spoke of seems to have been barricaded for the time being, so I need not fear entering into that dark, damp, cold and lonely place just for today, that is.   It's as if the waves have stopped crashing in, forcing me to gasp for that breathe that I probably take for granted most days.  I'm only human after all, I'm going to have bad days along with the good, and some days will be worse than others'.  I am work in progress and it's not an easy road to say the least.  I'm still struggling.  Damn it!  I'm still struggling.  After all of this time, I just assumed that life would become so much easier, but I have to make it difficult for myself and the ones I love.  Am I sabotaging myself?  I'm completely at a loss, dazed and confused.  There is so much in life that I desire and yet am afraid to go after or even ask.  Does fear constantly have to be a part of my life?  I think some days I'm even afraid of my own reflection, may seem absurd to some but in all actuality it's frustrating for me. 

     I know what needs to be done in order to maintain my 'sanity' and live in peace and harmony with others'.  I need, NO! I must let go.  I have to let go!  Damn, it's not an option any longer.  I cannot continue this living this life, or if I'm living at all, carrying this damned black bag of emotions with me where ever I go.  The weight is bearing down not only on my shoulders, but my soul.  It's a bag of mixed emotions, misdirected anger and frustrations, from my past life, a figurative bag, but a bag nonetheless.  What if I just empty it's contents and watch them go out to sea?  Seems easy enough, but I'll be damned if I can just watch them float, without jumping in to save a few of those inessential emotions that I must rid myself of.  Mountains out of molehills, I'm told.  "OKAY, I GET IT."  I do create my own mountains and in doing so have an adverse effect on others' and by no means are they intentional.  WOW!  I have to stop allowing these thoughts control me.  I'm living in this moment, right here, right now.  RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I'll live each moment as they come.  That's it!  That's the answer, living in the here and now.  Did I just finally, after all this time, realize that?  Have I known all along?  I never cease to amaze myself, I tell ya.  <3<3

   

The Hole I Reside In...

Figuratively speaking of course, the holes I have dug and continue to do are a comfortable hiding place for my soul when I feel lost and alone.  It's heart wrenching and I ache from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.  I lose control of myself in anguish that I certainly bring on myself, even after being told everything will be just fine.  I find solace in thinking that once again I will be forgotten, and left behind, then I need not fear loneliness because I will be reliving it as I have done, or at least I think I do. What the hell do I know?  I know how to push away, never pull in closer those that mean the most to me.  Why do I do this?  I haven't the answer.  I've asked God for guidance and still I draw a blank and continue with these thoughts that overwhelm me to say the least.  I fear being alone and it's a genuine fear.  It scares me to death.  Months before I wouldn't have cared, for I had a bottled up best friend.  I would drink away every emotion, until I became numb.  I no longer have to turn to satan in the bottle, I feel these feelings, good, bad and indifferent.  I'm confused most days, not knowing what it is exactly I feel, so I must take time and reflect on my inner strengths, when they are available to guide me in the right direction once again.  Setting aside my insecurities, thinking that all men are the same, and let the sunlight shine through the darkness, and relieve all the negativity.  It may sound simple, but I'll be damned if I don't struggle daily with this bullshit.  Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and saying FUCK IT ALL, then I remember where I was and FUCK that I'm okay right here right now, with my insecurities and all.  I'd rather live one day at a time sober, than not live at all.  Wheww..... There's so much spinning through my mind right now.  All of the what if's and it makes me crazy, I wish I could shut my mind down and delete all of the negative thoughts start fresh.  This is so frustrating, I'm crying out loud, almost a scream, and once again no one hears me.  WHY?  Do I not deserve love?  Am I punishing myself?  WTF is wrong here.  Damn!  I want that crystal ball so I know what I have to look forward to or not.  I need to know where it is exactly I stand, which end of the line it is I'm standing in.  I'm feeling neglected, misunderstood, I can't say what it is exactly that I'm feeling because there all being thrown at me at once.  GOD!  Do I deserve to continuously brutalize myself emotionally?  I need help here.  I know that I'm loved, I feel the love, yet somethings missing, something crucial is missing and I'm feeling lonely.  That hole is looking ever so comforting right now, but I dare not approach it in fear I may never recover this time.  It will take hold of me but for good.  I've got to get out of my own head and focus on something else but what?  GOD....give me strength, strength I've not yet possessed.  I can't do this alone any longer.  I'm scared, I'm lost and I'm feeling very much alone.