December 10, 2013

The stage has been set, the curtains drawn, and now it's time for me to make my grand appearance, but wait! I am terrified. I feel myself trembling before stepping foot into the limelight. What has come over me? When will this subside? I feel myself becoming faint. My head is heavy as are my shoulders. I can barely hold myself up. I am about to lose my footing. What will I see when I regain consciousness? Will things finally make sense? I need some clarity. I need stability if I am to stand once again on my own two feet. I am so tired of falling. I am well aware that the darkness of the abyss lies beneath in anticipation of my arrival yet I haven't one ounce of energy left to recover myself from the depths, not this time. My eyes have grown heavy and my hands are weak. I fear what most fear. I see the gates of hell bursting open and the balls of fire emerging from raging well, it's deep inside me. The burning desire to move forward and the fear that holds me back. I don't have the ability to hold on.

November 21, 2013

It is clearly the manifestation of raw emotions that run ramped in my mind, wreaking havoc all the day long.  Do I allow for these emotions to take control or could it be that I am simply exhausted and fighting them one way or another would send me spiraling once again to the depths of the abyss.  I must say however; I find solace in the darkness, fear as well.  I compose myself quite well and "buck up" so as to not wake the sleeping emotions.  I know oh to well that if they all come to life at once I will be battling with myself for some time to come.  I haven't the energy to put up a fight.  I am holding onto to that metaphorical rope, the one which I have been holding onto for many years now.  My hands are calloused and tiring with every moment that passes.  A swift wind could either raise me up or cause me to lose my grip, either way I am very much afraid.  I feel them begin to boil over and I cannot allow for it.  What is it that I must do in order to rid myself of these sores that remain open.  I have masked pain time and time again and now the bandages have come loose and it is all there in the open.  Have at me if you must but please make it swift and painless.  I will not put up a fight.

November 20, 2013

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
― Jim Morrison

Still painting...

When is enough, enough?

I have allowed so many factors define who I have become today. The past for example weighs so heavy and it brings me to my knees almost daily. I have lost myself somewhere along the dimly lit paths I have traveled and have tried with all of my might to light candles in order to find my way back to me. I believe that I am not meant to find myself yet walk for the rest of my days searching, in every nook and cranny for some semblance of who I used to be before I lost consciousness. I'm dazed and confused.. The heaviness of making the right decisions is immobilizing and I fear I will forever wonder aimlessly amongst the living dead in search of a soul that doesn't belong to me. I have felt for some time that I don't belong here, there or anywhere and it has come to fruition that those feelings are more than a reality. I have walked so many times into brick walls that the pain is numbing. I feel the jolt each and every time yet fail to learn from my own mistakes. Am I so prone to failure that I "fail" to see my own nose inspight of myself? Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through. An endless maze and there is no sign of life to be found, other than the sound of my own thoughts running aimlessly through my own mind.

November 18, 2013

Have you ever listened to your own thoughts? I cannot seem to sort mine out. There is this track and it is constantly running at speeds not yet known to man. My thoughts have wheels and they travel this track, round and round, nonstop. If I could grab hold of just one thought and focus all of my energy on that one thing, I would be content for that day. I imagine myself reaching up as if into clouds and taking hold of feathers (my thoughts) and blowing them into oblivion, one at a time until there is only one thought left for me to ponder. It's so overwhelming, the daily task of filtering through all that lies within the confines of my mind, these thoughts hold me hostage. It's not a matter of preference, nor desire to hold onto, the walls are sturdy and have yet to weaken so that I might take them down, brick by brick if need be. I have given time, time. I have tried to live one day at a time. I have taken baby steps forward only to be pushed violently back from where I started. It's about holding on when all I want to do is let go and most days I am not the one holding on. It is a power greater than myself, and for whatever the reason may be, this power will not allow me to leap. I see peace of mind when I look over the edge. I want to float on a wing, flutter through the air. I need to feel light as a feather. I need to feel free. I need to find ME again.

November 5, 2013

Some things are better left alone. I should have known I could depend on no one other than myself. I put to much faith in words others freely throw in my direction not once looking for the true underlying messages written or spoken. I give up. It's no longer an option to contemplate fighting a losing battle any longer. You win.

November4, 2013

It's that 'once in a lifetime' kind of feeling. Can I hold fast? Only time will tell. A new sensation I might add. Not quite certain how this feeling found it's way to me. I am so accustomed to the same old negativity, so much so that I am definitely somewhat frightened.

October 16, 2013

How can one look back on pain and struggle then look in the mirror and see strength? I don’t see strength! I see failure. I see FEAR! He may not be visible to you but I see him. Every single morning, so I avoid looking in the mirror so I don’t have to face myself, nor FEAR. I know he comes at me at all hours of each and every day, waiting in the cold damp darkness for me to let what little guard I have left down. I am so weak, I barely have the ability to put my thoughts together. I am trembling from within. I feel my heart pounding and then it’s as if it just stops, then I breathe in and it begins again. Louder and louder until it drowns out all else and the pounding in my head is no longer of my heart but a throbbing headache left behind as a reminder from FEAR that he is patiently waiting around each and every corner for me. I no longer have the ability to hold my head up yet look to the ground in a sullen, misguided, desperate attempt to regain consciousness. I just want this all to end. This journey has not been a journey for just anyone. It has beaten me down, stripped me of any dignity I thought I might have salvaged from the last wreckage. Just really broken. Broken and tired.

October 15, 2013

It's so difficult wading in waters that are meant for boats. I've rid myself of life preservers because they no longer serve there purpose if they ever had. I have for so long tried to push my way into others' lives and without fail have pushed in the wrong direction. My heart hurts. The pain is almost unbearable. Is it so wrong to want to fit in somewhere, anywhere? I am so tired of being me. Most days I can't even look myself in the eye because I am so disgusted. I can't continue pretending...I can't hold a smile, I disappoint more people than I ever imagined and in doing so hate myself all the more. Why am I still here?

F.E.A.R.

FEAR is becoming more intense with each passing second. I can feel it in my veins, the way my pulse reacts to the thunderous pounding of my heart. I hear it approaching yet I cannot move. It’s as if I am frozen in time, although I know that I’m not. I can feel the damp cold in my bones, I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks, and my fingers are becoming numb. Here I am, stationary. I dare not move for I know most certainly that those talons; sharp as knives; will tear flesh that’s oh so soft; and wounds that were closed will reopen, as if to invite others’ to taste my flesh. I stand watching as it gathers as much as it can with its dagger-like talons and reaches down with its razor sharp teeth and rips open the partially exposed muscle, feasting on me as if I were not living. The pain is unbearable, I can feel the burning from within yet; I stand motionless still. I can’t move. I am trying with all of my might and I CANNOT MOVE! Could this possibly be, am I allowing it to happen, will I recover once again or will FEAR take hold of my soul as well?

October 15, 2013

Whatever I have, whatever I am, I will give it all away for serenity, a solitaire day, and if it’s not too much to ask, perhaps a week of serenity. I have yet to experience one completely serene day. If my soul wasn’t tattered and torn, I would offer it up in exchange for such. However; the remnants that remain would not cover the cost of such. Therefore I will go on wearily, dragging myself, trudging the roads that lead me back to ‘nowhere’, in hopes that I might find on my very own that ‘serenity’.

September 30, 2013

And so goes another year...and once again I've fooled myself into believing that I had finally come to terms with the theory of letting go. How profound a thought of mine. I haven't learned to let go. I haven't learned to live. I don't have a clue what direction it is I need to turn. I simply haven't a clue. I am, at this very moment in time, "CLUELESS", by every definition of the word. I can't find my place in the world. I am not even certain that I want to find a place to fit in, feel comfortable with and all of that happy horse shit. I live in constant fear, of EVERYTHING. I am completely lost.

September 23, 2013

Remember...while making someone a "priority" in your life, you will forever remain merely an "option!"

August 28, 2013

SIMPLICITY

August 27, 2013

Day 3 and 4: UNEQUIVICALLY OVERWHELMED!

August 25, 2012

Day 2: Continue redirecting

August 24, 2013

DAY 1 .... Redirect!

Acceptance

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.'


- Robert Frost

August 13, 2013

How does one measure ones' self worth?  Is it by the the handfuls of friends or perhaps it's material possessions, maybe ones' bank account balance?  Whatever the reality of it is, I have no bank account to balance, my worldly possessions are minimal, and friends, well I can count them on one hand.  I have given my all in every situation and have made certain (or so I thought) to stay clear of the flames because I know from past experiences that it does burn. However; I constantly feel the need to test myself by positioning myself so intricately right above the burning embers and it never fails, I get burned.  Over and over and over.  Seems excessive I know!  I am my own worst enemy and that YOU can take to the bank, maybe even roll over the interest earned and bank on it some more.  What do I know.  I am an EPIC FAILURE. 

A Thought Went Up My Mind To-day

A thought went up my mind to-day
That I have had before,
But did not finish,--some way back,
I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went,
nor why it came
The second time to me,
Nor definitely what it was,

Have I the art to say.
But somewhere in my soul,
I know I've met the thing before;
It just reminded me--'t was all--
And came my way no more.

- Emily Dickinson

August 1, 2013

So it seems that the worst may have passed, although I don't hold onto hope that is most certainly has. I have had my heart stolen, broken, and then without regret handed back to me in pieces. I have lied to protect, and been lied to to be protected. I have cheated myself out of a wonderful life so many times that I have lost count. I have been forced for so many years to manipulate finances to suit the needs of my children. I have been manipulated and continue to allow others' to do just that. There are times when I just need to be alone; completely. How do I ask for that? I am so afraid of hurting others' feelings knowing full well that they think nothing of trampling on mine so why is it that I haven't the ability to speak up for myself. I have been beaten down physically, emotionally and psychologically so much so that the image I see when I look in the mirror is distorted. I've cleaned and scrubbed every looking glass and still, the same distorted image looks back at me. My physical body is tiring. I am weak and by saying such am I by no means inviting the hungry wolf to feast upon my weakness.

July 26, 2013

What's the use of trying when the countless attempts I have made go unnoticed. Am I that ignorant that I can't see past my own nose in spite of my face? I don't believe so. I crave attention just as much as the next individual does, maybe not as much yet I do still. Perhaps I need to throw in the towel and revert to the comforts of the walls I had built. I thought that by taking them down, one at a time I would adjust however; what I neglected to realize was that on the other side were those seething individuals still waiting with their jaws wide open. I just can't take anymore.

July 22, 2013

I have finally reached my breaking point. Here I stand clinging to a branch ready to take the plunge. I haven't any hope left within. I doubt it ever even existed. Fake it they say...ha! Tried and failed. I feel like a complete and utter failure. Failure as a mother a daughter, sister and friend. I have failed myself. I am beyond words right now.

July 22, 2013

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock,the stream always wins - not through strength, but through persistence." - Buddha

July 16, 2013

I have had all I can endure. I need to walk away. I must give up entirely. There is nothing holding me now. The knot has come undone and my hands can no longer grasp the rope. It has cut my hands and they are raw!

July 11, 2013

I thought, with the utmost of sincerity that I would have the ability to overcome any and/or all obstacles on my own. I have proven to myself time and time again that I no longer possess such power. I am at a complete and utter standstill. I am not certain which way I need to turn. All roads are leading into one another and I am absolutely, without question, completely LOST!

July 8, 2013

Insanity - doing the same things over and over expecting different results. With that being determined not only by myself, yet countless numbers of others' from all walks of life. I do believe in order to tear myself from the grasp of this ever so depressive state that I dance with daily... CHANGE ... That is all.

July 7, 2013

Whatever I have, whatever I am, I will give it all away for serenity, a solitaire day, and if it’s not too much to ask, perhaps a week of serenity. I have yet to experience one completely serene day. If my soul wasn’t tattered and torn, I would offer it up in exchange for such. However; the remnants that remain would not cover the cost of. Therefore I will go on wearily, dragging myself, trudging the roads that lead me back to ‘nowhere’, in hopes that I might find on my very own that ‘serenity’.

July 4, 2013

This should be a day of celebrating our countey however; for me, it's day of defending myself. I have been disrespected in front of my children for the very last time. I will not be regarded to as a selfish child, nor will I be told I don't make sacrifices. I have sacrificed my entire being for the sake of MY children. There has been no one here to aid financially, emotionally, physically towards the growth and well being of me or mine. I, single handedly have done all and then some. I go without so other's can have. I have allowed other's to trample on me my entire life and I am done. I said I give up and that is precisely what I am doing. Go ahead. Dig deeper with your sharp words and watch me suffer at the mercy of your lips. I don't care anymore. The damage has been done and there is no retracting any of it.

July 2, 2013

There comes a point in time when you have to throw your hands up in the air and admit defeat! That is precisely what I am doing right now. I have had all I can take. My thoughts consume me and I allow them to now. I won't fight anymore. Dig your razor sharp tallons into my flesh that's oh so soft and have at it. Do what you will. I am giving up. I have fought for too long and I am on my knees, too weak to pick myself up again. It hurts more each time and the dust is getting harder to brush off. You win!

June 26, 2013

I have pleaded with myself for too many years. I have struggled with 'LIFE' almost daily and still it seems I am held prisoner in my own mind. I wonder if anyone can truly understand the terror I face from within? Can they sense my absolute fears and feel my heart race as the rest of me slowly dies? Can you feel my heart break? Is it at all possible?

June 24, 2013

Life... or should I say the 'circle of life'. How inconsistent everything surrounding us is. It's absolutely mind blowing, and not of the pleasurable nature. I have paid my debt to society ten fold and now am ready to embark on a new adventure. However; I am being held prisoner against my will. Summer is directly upon us and the urge, the need, the desire to get out and about is overwhelming. So much so that I am almost willing to go to ANY lengths in order to attain what it is I need in order to do just that...get out and about. I need to move forward from here and yet, yet, the chains that bind me grow shorter in length and I haven't the ability to break free from such bondage. I am embarrassed, to say the least, at this point in time. I am sick and tired of being dependent upon others' (for transportation purposes only), it's sickening and it angers me in the worst of ways. I am merely that pawn you often hear about, the one that is taken over by some unforeseen force. I haven't the strength left to pick myself up. I fear for my life, daily.

June 17, 2013

There's an ache in my heart that none can repair. It's been there for so long and it's growing more painful with each passing day. It's a sadness that I have created because I haven't the ability to give my children all they deserve. I wish I could give my daughters' strength and courage to endure heartbreak and face their fears head on. I wish I could instill in my son all that he will need in order to become the most loving and giving man there ever will be. I wish I could take all of the pain from each one of them, yet I know I can only stand back and watch as my daughter's heart is being toyed with and her emotions are running ramped. I can only stand back and pray for my son and hope that what I have to offer him will be just enough to guide him along his journey in life. I hope that I have been the role model that they have needed and that my life experiences have proven to them that it can be done. I pray (even if it seems I have lost my faith) for each one of them, that they will exceed beyond their wildest dreams and that I will be there cheering them on as they do. I pray that they will flourish and grow continuously long after my time here has subsided. I have never loved another as much as I love my wonderful children.

June 12, 2013

I could say that it was almost too good to be true, however; that would be a lie. I must have really fooled myself into believing that I could quiet all the chaos running rampantly in my head. I let my guard down for a fucking moment, that's all it took, one moment and now, I fear that I am sinking. Sinking faster than I have ever sunk before. There is no one around this time. I see what's left of the shattered ropes that I once clung to from previous episodes and they haven't the strength to hold me this time. What more can I say? What else is there for me to do?

June 11, 2013

And there it lies, within the confines of my own mind, my demise. I am fully aware of it's uncanny ability to force me to my knees and drain me of any happiness I was able to muster. Why is it not possible for me to maintain anything like pure happiness for more than a few moments in time? Am I the cause of my own misery? Do I open the door knowing full well that it's on the other side, and invite it in? I don't believe I do such things intentionally, however; I can sit here and tap at keys expressing what has and continues to happen almost on a daily basis. It must be something so much deeper than I can even begin to imagine, something I have yet to understand about myself, and it causes me to stop dead in my tracks, no matter the tracks I'm traveling, and yank whatever glimmer of hope I have managed to clasp my hands around. So here I go again. Climbing onto that good 'ol ship called, 'Misery', waiting perhaps (as I have been told) for someone or something to 'rescue' me. I try to understand the concept of rescue as a whole and for the strangest reason unknown to myself I just can't seem to jump ship and swim to shore. I thought that I could 'drop the rocks' that have been plaguing me for so long, yet I have grown in strength if only to carry my 'rocks' where ever it is I may travel. Soon enough I suppose, I will have the emotional wherewithal to let go of all that burdens my heart, mind and soul. If there is a soul left to be had within.

June 2, 2013

I could tell myself, even swear that I am no longer going to 'settle', and I'll be damned if I no sooner think or speak such thoughts than I am right back where I said I wouldn't be. Why is that?

May 30, 2013

I have been witness to people throwing the word 'LOVE' around like it was candy at a parade. There is no longer depth within the exchanging of such. It comes and goes oh so quickly. How do you 'Fall In' love only to 'Fall Out' of Love' within the course of a few stolen moments? I can not comprehend such tactics! It clearly blows my mind. Perhaps my metaphorical wall isn't so metaphorical after all.

May 23, 2013

Going back in time and looking at photographs, it makes me so fucking sad knowing that I missed out on so many milestones with family. Maybe I'm angry, frustrated, who the hell knows. I sit here wondering why I was dealt a deck of cards consisting of Jokers? Was it intended that way!? Am I destined to always look over my shoulders, struggle with the seemingly simple tasks, live in constant and absolute fear of what will come? How is it that I'm to move forward when I can't move past the past? Sure, there are days that I believe I have finally accepted my past for what it was and then the nightmare in my head begins and bets are off the table leaving me stripped of everything. I'm still scared and perhaps more so now then in recent days!

May 22, 2013

If I'm understanding correctly here. I am more of a disappointment to people than not. What can I say? I suppose that's who I am and who I will remain. I am no longer that risk taker you all once knew me to be. Fear is the icing on my cake. It dictates my every movement. I haven't the courage to step outside of the confines of the box any longer. Lid closed I feel safe, open I am vulnerable. I can not be swayed nor will I allow myself to be manipulated.

May 22, 2013

I am just going to funnel myself back into the abyss.  The calamity from within is almost unbearable.  I haven't the strength nor the ability to fight.  It's as though all hope has been lost.  I tried to hold on for as long as I could however; the knot that I tied loosened itself and I've been slipping ever since.  It certainly hasn't happened all at once, but it is happening nonetheless.  Slipping in and out of consciousness almost as I descend. I suppose I could make some sort of a slipknot, tie it around my waste, fight the current and see how far it will take me?! It's a painstaking task trying to stay above the emotional turmoil that for as far back as I can remember has held me hostage.  There aren't any buoys, no life jackets, not a rope in sight and I believe (I can't be certain) that I am no longer capable of holding on.  With that being said, what was it or what is it that I've been holding on for.  It was told to me that it seemed as though I have been waiting to be "rescued" and however indignant I felt at that very moment after having read such, I shook it off, or so I think I have.  I've had enough dealings with the profound melodrama that I am surrounded by daily.  The pessimistic antics of others' is too much for this girl to endure.

May 21, 2013

Into the darkness I venture, alone once again.  I should have known better yet curiosity got the best of me.  A most profound and thought provoking moment of clarity I did however have prior to taking those first steps and still I went it alone.  That darkness I speak of often lies within the confines of my mind, like street cars racing so are my thoughts.  Scrambling to the finish line in hopes of forming one complete, intact thought.  I hear the music in the background, but cannot for the life of me cling to a solitaire lyric.  Nothing is making sense right now.  What causes all of this to come full circle?  FEAR!  It can’t leave me alone, it pounds on my chest from the inside, and tears me to shreds bit by bit, making certain I feel each and every cut.  What have I done?  Was I so horrible that peace within is only an image I find in picture books? 

May 20, 2013

The cruel irony of life's challenges...what does it all mean? Am I in the right era here? Could it be that all I have and all that I am experiencing has all been experienced before, by none other than myself? Is it possible for me to break this vicious cycle before I meet my demise, whatever it may be? How will I know? Which road shall I travel? Will I be going it alone as I have done many a time over? I am, without a doubt scared to death. I don't have the ability to decipher what it is that has come over me. It's pure, unadulterated fear!

I am an "old soul"

The particular life challenges and destined events that are the hallmark of being an old soul...

If you're an old soul you will undoubtedly be giving, caring loving and compassionate - all wonderful attributes that we are taught are the signs of a developed person who cares for others, and the actions that we take that may affect others.

The key signs of an old soul

· Giving and caring often putting others first

· Had a difficult romantic life often with much pain and disappointment

· More than likely had a soul-mate relationship

· Things just seem to happen to you and around you, often becoming very dramatic through the seemingly extreme reactions of others

· Events repeat themselves

· Have trouble connecting with your family

· Somehow know you're different

· Have some psychic intuition and 'just knowing' things

· Find that you have deeper emotions and passions than most people

· People have extreme reactions to you - some just adore you and some seem to really dislike you yet you behave the same to everyone

· Have an inner creative passion

· Suffer lots of jealousy

· Often perceived wrongly

· Feel your don't have much free will, like your life is being controlled by some outside force

· Often feel 'stuck' like events just keep on happening to you time after time


All of us can relate to some of these characteristics and events at some time in our lives however the 'old souls' amongst us will shout "Yes that's me !"
and immediately understand and relate.

In contrast, we have all met the 'young souls' the ones who profess to be giving and caring and often seem to seek us out, but who never really give, just take, and who then commit the most insensitive and often cruel acts but seem to have no understanding of what they've done or any sign of remorse whatsoever. In fact they can often go to such extremes to get very aggressive when we point out their actions and the effect that they've had on us..

- Steve Gunn

10 Steps to Self-Care

If it feels wrong, don’t do it.

Say “exactly” what you mean.

Don’t be a people pleaser.

Trust your instincts.

Never give up on your dreams.

Don’t be afraid to say “No”.

Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”.

Be kind to yourself.

Let go of what you can’t control.

Stay away from drama and negativity as much as possible.

Note to self:

Why the hell do you find it so difficult to follow such simple rules? 

I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say without saying it mean, does that count?  

My instincts have always led me down the wrong path, so no thank you. 

Dreams?  What dreams?  I was supposed to have dreams?  Damn...

If I say "No", they won't like me.  
If I say "Yes", then I'm falling back into people pleasing, ugh, it's a no win situation. 

I don't know how to be kind to myself, isn't it obvious.  

I try to let go of my past, but it creeps up on me daily, and I know I can no longer control any of it. 

I am surrounded by drama and negativity on a daily basis, I can't escape it. 

NOW WHAT? 

May 6,2013

Does it show on my face?  Do I vocalize it?  Have I not extended my hand?  What the hell is going on?  I sincerely do not want to revisit these emotions, if I may call them that.  I have had my fill of just about everything.  I've experienced enough turmoil, death, desperation, hatred, abuse, etc... for this lifetime.  If there is anyone else who feels the need to place themselves before me and present me with one of those previously mentioned, "COME BACK TOMORROW!", perhaps you lost your place in line. I haven't the strength to endure your shit today.  I have been on my knees far too long, and for all the wrong reasons, pleading with anyone who will give me an ear.  I'm empty handed today.  I've pushed you all away and for all of the wrong reasons.  It's myself that I am battling.  My mind takes control and runs wild.  Comments meant to be harmless wreak havoc.  I still find myself reading between lines that don't exist.  When will the madness subside?  When will I find happiness within and when, oh when will it finally be my time to shine?  I see family moving forward, up and over obstacles, hurdling them as though they didn't exist, while I struggle continuously to make heads or tails of every situation given me.  I haven't the fight left, I want to give up, I want to wish myself away. 

May 2, 2013

The wounds of my past have been reopened and the salt has been poured onto them. It burns yet I manage to hide the pain. How will I get through this? Is there a pill for that? I try to express myself yet get choked up, constantly. I have not ever experienced a problem with expression and now...now I find myself wanting to run and hide. The confines of my mind are becoming cramped and I need space, to breathe, to live...just to be.

A DREAM

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?
That holy dream - that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.
What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?

- Edgar Allan Poe

The Gambler...

Hotel California....

Being by Peter Marinelli

Being is the eternal, ever-present One Life beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death.

However, Being is not only beyond but also deep won within every form as its innermost invisible and indestructible essence.

This means that it is accessible to you now as your own deepest self, your true nature.

But don’t try to grasp it with your mind. Don’t try to understand it.

You can only know it when the mind is still, when you are present, fully and intensely in the Now

To regain awareness of Being and to abide in that state of ‘feeling-realization’ is enlightenment.

-Tolle-

Some hearts are broken and mended, others are shattered and torn, although it was never intended, for love is eternally sworn, I've cried and prayed and pleaded, for love to hold his ground, hope was all I needed and pain was all I found.

April 24, 2013

I feel myself falling off of my own balance beam and I'm not liking this one bit. I'm scared half to death, half I say. How do I recenter myself so that I can maintain my stability or what little there is. How do I scrape myself off of one side in order to put the two halves of self back together? What if it's not possible, what if it's too late? I can't allow for that person to emerge, not now, not ever... I see her shadow daily and have to step over her... I know what lurks within. My heart is racing, my fingertips are almost numb, a tingling sensation has come over me, and yep...you've guess it...I am scared! I don't want this feeling to linger any longer than necessary if it is at all necessary to begin with. Is this a warning sign? Should I heed it's warning signals? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

April 20, 2013

I walked right into it didn't I? I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I was finally moving forward, past all of the pain, the fears. I was wrong. They're all right there, staring me down, making me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in my own skin, and anyone who knows me, knows how uncomfortable I have been. I'm not even sure where I begin or where I end for that matter. Why must I constantly allow myself to fall prey. I'm not a mouse anymore. I try to stand up for myself, and you better believe that it scares me almost half to death. Keep your talons tucked away, because the flesh that you so freely dug into has turned to stone. The flesh that you once feasted upon is no longer for the taking. Stop trying to tear me apart piece by piece. I will fight every step of the way, and I know that I will be defeated and the pain will be horrific, and I will bleed, I will scream...eventually I will recover as I always have, and crawl once again to my feet, holding what remains of my heart and soul in my hands, trying with all of my might to protect those fragments of dignity that I have somehow mustered, wishing that somewhere, somehow, someone would find me worthy of their time to help me to my feet. Here I am, once again, feeling feelings I had locked away. There's always something lurching behind every damn door. Lies, broken promises...why must I allow myself to continually fall prey to all of this. I must really be unworthy. I'm just feeling so uneasy, so empty. I have no idea where I'm actually going with this, it's not helping me tonight. I know I'm rambling and rightfully so. I'm hurt, I feel hurt, every inch of me, whoever that is...hurts. It's so unfair. I'll grow tired soon enough and when I do, when I turn my back as others' have done, when I am done being beaten down, when I can no longer tolerate the pain inflicted, then and only then will I begin to recover...again.

April 18, 2013

“Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide. ”

April 16, 2013

I realize that memories are built from life altering experiences. Some of them aren't worth holding onto. However; those few that have left an imprint in the heart are the ones that keep me moving forward. There aren't many people that I can say have left such imprints although the ones that have are the ones reading this, right this very moment. It may have taken me my entire life to get here, after all there were many side streets that I needed to travel, for whatever reason. I only know this much...I am here, right here, right now and I have you and you and YOU to thank.

Life should not be a journey to the grave

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming….. WOO HOO…. What a RIDE!”

April 9, 2013

I have lost track of the number of times in my life that I have wanted to give up.  I am still here, don't EVER tell me that I am WEAK!

April 8, 2013

     It's wonderful to get what you want. It's really a GREAT thing..unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted because what you really want, you couldn't imagine or didn't think it was possible. What if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without even asking?  They just knew, like, they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts..and what if they were sure of themselves and didn't need to take a poll...and they LOVED you.

- (Kate and Leopold)

April 4, 2013

I'm the girl that believes... what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won't give up on you. I'm the girl that's unlike the rest. The one that has spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. I'm the girl that wants to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. I'm the girl that picks herself up every time I fall. Yes... I am that girl!

We May Never Pass This Way Again...

Life, so they say, is but a game and we let it slip away. Love, like the Autumn sun, should be dyin' but it's only just begun. Like the twilight in the road up ahead, they don't see just where we're goin'. And all the secrets in the Universe, whisper in our ears And all the years will come and go, take us up, always up. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. Dreams, so they say, are for the fools and they let 'em drift away. Peace, like the silent dove, should be flyin' but it's only just begun. Like Columbus in the olden days, we must gather all our courage. Sail our ships out on the open sea. Cast away our fears And all the years will come and go, and take us up, always up. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. So, I wanna laugh while the laughin' is easy. I wanna cry if it makes it worthwhile. We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you. 'Cause, you make me feel like I'm more than a friend. Like I'm the journey and you're the journey's end. We may never pass this way again, that's why I want it with you, baby. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again. We may never pass this way again.

- Seals & Crofts

Proverbs 31 Woman