April 20, 2013

I walked right into it didn't I? I have no one to blame but myself. I thought I was finally moving forward, past all of the pain, the fears. I was wrong. They're all right there, staring me down, making me more uncomfortable than I've ever been in my own skin, and anyone who knows me, knows how uncomfortable I have been. I'm not even sure where I begin or where I end for that matter. Why must I constantly allow myself to fall prey. I'm not a mouse anymore. I try to stand up for myself, and you better believe that it scares me almost half to death. Keep your talons tucked away, because the flesh that you so freely dug into has turned to stone. The flesh that you once feasted upon is no longer for the taking. Stop trying to tear me apart piece by piece. I will fight every step of the way, and I know that I will be defeated and the pain will be horrific, and I will bleed, I will scream...eventually I will recover as I always have, and crawl once again to my feet, holding what remains of my heart and soul in my hands, trying with all of my might to protect those fragments of dignity that I have somehow mustered, wishing that somewhere, somehow, someone would find me worthy of their time to help me to my feet. Here I am, once again, feeling feelings I had locked away. There's always something lurching behind every damn door. Lies, broken promises...why must I allow myself to continually fall prey to all of this. I must really be unworthy. I'm just feeling so uneasy, so empty. I have no idea where I'm actually going with this, it's not helping me tonight. I know I'm rambling and rightfully so. I'm hurt, I feel hurt, every inch of me, whoever that is...hurts. It's so unfair. I'll grow tired soon enough and when I do, when I turn my back as others' have done, when I am done being beaten down, when I can no longer tolerate the pain inflicted, then and only then will I begin to recover...again.