October 16, 2013

How can one look back on pain and struggle then look in the mirror and see strength? I don’t see strength! I see failure. I see FEAR! He may not be visible to you but I see him. Every single morning, so I avoid looking in the mirror so I don’t have to face myself, nor FEAR. I know he comes at me at all hours of each and every day, waiting in the cold damp darkness for me to let what little guard I have left down. I am so weak, I barely have the ability to put my thoughts together. I am trembling from within. I feel my heart pounding and then it’s as if it just stops, then I breathe in and it begins again. Louder and louder until it drowns out all else and the pounding in my head is no longer of my heart but a throbbing headache left behind as a reminder from FEAR that he is patiently waiting around each and every corner for me. I no longer have the ability to hold my head up yet look to the ground in a sullen, misguided, desperate attempt to regain consciousness. I just want this all to end. This journey has not been a journey for just anyone. It has beaten me down, stripped me of any dignity I thought I might have salvaged from the last wreckage. Just really broken. Broken and tired.