December 31, 2012

The eve of yet the ending of another year! Was it a good one? Fuck if I know. I just want it to be done with already. Move forward, forget the past, let bygones be bygones. So I set my sights on nothing for this coming year because I will only disappoint myself. Too many times have I held my breath thinking this is the moment, or the next and so on and so on. I haven't the energy to hold my breath any longer. Fate? My fate was written the moment I arrived and from my perspective, it doesn't seem that the stars have anything wonderful set for me. I give up on hope as well. I'm not a child and I shouldn't act as if I am one. I need to focus my attention elsewhere. I shouldn't be so greedy thinking of what I want or what I would like to have...how foolish a girl is that? It's time to grow up.

December 30, 2012

Dream- a succession of images, thoughts and emotions passing through the mind during sleep. If in fact dreams are emotions why don't we feel them while we're awake? Why bother dreaming? What purpose does it serve? It's a huge set up for a series of disappointments. I give up trying. I don't want to ever dream again. They're all a bunch of lies we trick ourselves into believing will someday become a reality. What a crock of fucking shit that is!

December 21, 2012

I thought it was finally my time.  I'm just not good enough am I?  I will never be good enough.  I stopped searching, I had almost given up hope, finally, or so I thought, the puzzle with a missing piece.  So I tried to pry myself  into a space that wasn't big enough, for me, that is.  I just realized that I don’t fit.  I’ve been pushed to the side with the other pieces that want a puzzle of their own, only to discover that I never really had a chance.  What a really sad day for me.  I have struggled daily trying to transform myself into a puzzle piece that doesn’t suit me.  I could cover myself with gems of the rarest kind and still not be enough.  I am not needy.  I don’t require constant attention.  I’ve been pushed so far away that the pain is beginning to subside.  It’s now a numb burning sensation, no longer the piercing agony I’ve been accustomed to.  You all win!  I give up!  I have no fight left in me.  

December 20, 2012

So begins another harried attempt at making things right with myself and others'.  It's more difficult than I presumed anything else in this life to be.  I fuck up more often than not and when I do, all HELL breaks loose.  I know that there is peace and serenity on the other side, so what the fuck is holding me prisoner?  Is it really all my own doing?  Do I genuinely sabotage every ounce of happiness to wallow in self-pity and absolute misery?  I can honestly say that, "I don't believe I do!"  I am trying with all of my might to turn my thoughts and actions around so that others' will want to be near me. 

December 18, 2012

Out of absolute desperation I sit here and peck at the keys on this fucking keyboard praying for some guidance, for some little glimmer of hope.  How much more?  When will it end?  I have done all but given up completely.  Sobriety sucks ass!  I would love a drink, NO!  I would love to drink myself into oblivion, perhaps further than that.  I want to be comfortably numb.  I have been scared, but, not ever so scared as I am at this very moment.  Everything is coming at me all at once.  I'm afraid for myself, for my children.  What will they do, what will they think?  It's hard enough being a single mother, no outside support, no extra monies coming in to help with bills, worrying constantly if there will be enough?  I have been here before, and I don't want to be, I can't escape it, it's all around me.  My children are suffering because of my inabilities to provide for them, the way they deserve.  I wish I could give them everything they need and then some.  I really hate life right now.  I can't measure up anymore.  I feel beaten.  I'm exhausted.  I AM FUCKING SCARED!  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I want to be at peace, I want happiness.  YES! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I want to feel like I belong, like I'm apart of another human being.  I'm tired of wasting my time, my energy worrying, running, hiding.  I don't know what to do. 

December 17, 2012

There are so many things that I question on a daily basis, it's routine for me.  I have questioned my faith, my existence, my love and above all else, MYSELF.  I continuously put myself through grueling escapades causing others' grief when I only want to cause harm to myself, internally, externally however it may be.  I was told most recently that I can not love another unless I love myself.  Is this factual?  Have I not yet loved?  Am I capable of love?  What, for that matter is LOVE?  I'm so confused, scared, alone and confused.  I haven't a clue where I need to be right at this very moment, I do know that I need to pull myself up and out of this hole.  HOW?  Can I ask for help or is this something I must tackle on my own?  I feel the talons digging deeper than ever this time, and it's tearing me up inside.  I want to run and hide, I want to escape and the more energy I put into pulling away the deeper the wounds become.  Won't someone, just once guide me?!  I need help.

December 6, 2012

The season of perpetual "hope?" Yea right! I've lost all sight of HOPE. I gave and have continued to give my ALL. I give up. I finally give in to absolute defeat. Why bother.

December 5, 2012

Those people, places and/or things we perceive "too good to be true", are most likely just that..."TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!" I will stop holding my fucking breathe now, because I finally understand that simple yet heart wrenching phrase. It's absolute bullshit if I sit long enough and think hard enough. What the fuck have I been thinking?! Shame on me, AGAIN!

Blue Christmas

December 3, 2012

I've heard it said time and time again that, "people who laugh the most, have experienced the most pain." Is it true? Have we? I don't laugh very often anymore however; when the occassion arises you can bet that mine is genuine. So if, this statement is true, have I not experienced "enough" pain? Is there more to come my way? If so, how MUCH more? Will I be able to bear the weight or will this be the wave that crashes in suddenly, as they so often do, knock me down and drag me under for one final hoorah? I'm scared! There is so much that I have yet to experience. So much that I need to experience, even if only momentarily. I need, I want, I desire, and yet...I walk away (as always) with my head hung low so as to hide the tears streaming down my cheeks whilst I fight a faceless beast!

December 2, 2012

Please allow me to dream the dreams I'm meant to dream...once upon a time...kind of dreams!

Star Light

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. 

I wish I may, I wish I might. 

Please grant the wish I had last night.

WOW

I know now where it is that I stand! Behind the fence in the outfield. How fucking lovely! I am done trying! I have shed my LAST fucking tear. The lights were always paving the way I just refused to open my eyes. You win! I was obviously mistaken for a fucking FOOL again. The saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!" I have been fooling myself all along. To think the thoughts I have thunk ! WOW! SHAME ON ME!

November 26, 2012

P.E.N.D.I.N.G...

November 26, 2012

Life is full of choices! We can choose our friends, careers, even mates BUT, we don't choose our families our children nor whom we "fall in love" with. Love is one of those random acts. Spontaneous and adventurous. Full of excitement and passion. When the "honeymoon" phase fades and the true meaning of the relationship reveals itself, we or should I say, "I" finally understand the meaning of "LOVE." Having my bestfriend intertwined with my boyfriend is more than anyone can ask for. Now that's RANDOM!

November 21, 2012

"Give time, time", "Time is of the essence", "Only time will tell", and my ALL TIME favorite..."TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE!" If all of these hold truths then why does TIME WAIT FOR NO ONE?  I'm completely and utterly confused now, not that I haven't always been.  I have given time, time.  I have waited for time to tell me whatever it is I was supposed to be waiting for.  I have embraced moments in time with all of my might, and am now left with difficult and life changing decisions that I am afraid to embark upon.  I have all of the symptoms of the "WHAT IF'S", and am terrified.  I am always afraid, who the hell am I kidding.  Anyone and everyone that reads anything that I have written knows full well that I live in fear.  It's quite draining to say the least.  I am trembling at this very moment and for what reason I haven't the slightest of ideas.  I know that I am afraid, so afraid that my heart feels torn.  I am sad, when in fact I should be embracing life and love and all that other happy horse shit.  I don't know how.  TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE; does that mean I need to fast forward my life and all else that follows?  I AM SO FUCKING SCARED AND I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT I AM SO FUCKING AFRAID OF! Time sucks!  I thought that I had it all figured out when I was little, reading fairy tales.  I just assumed that my life would be just like Cinderella's (her happy ever after of course), or perhaps Sleeping Beauty, (Prince Charming my ass), maybe even Snow White (REALLY? Seven dwarfs?)  I give up, who knew life would suck ass as much as it has?  I sure as hell didn't. 

When I see my reflection...

I was once asked, "When I see my reflection, what does my reflection see?" I have presented this to myself multiple times throughout the course of the past 20 years. 

Question: "When I see my reflection, what does my reflection see?"

Answer:  I see a shattered image of a young girl trapped in the body of an aging woman.  This woman has lost all sense of self.  She looks worn, and tattered.  The lines on her face are clear.  Her eyes tell tales of heartache and loneliness,  abuse and neglect, yet somehow she seems to force herself daily to trudge another long and lonely path.  This trail has it's turns and bumps but somehow she has mustered up enough strength to continue forward. I'm not certain how far she will travel, nor what her destination may be, I wish her enough. 

That's my answer.  I wish myself "ENOUGH".

November 20, 2012

So here it is...another weekday in the life of Kelly...work as usual...dreading the alarms wake up call, then to wake the kids in order for them to prep for another school day.  I have given my all in every situation I have placed myself in, whether it be healthy or not.  I have tried to conform to the ways of others' and lost myself almost completely in doing so.  I have endured relentless hours of agonizing tears streaming down my cheeks without another soul to comfort me.  I have battled with myself and others' to prove points that really were pointless to begin with.  I have fought for what I thought was right, and sometimes wrong.  I haven't won a single battle, I have not ever claimed victory over another, in spite of the wrong doings.  I have given in to malice acts and erased memories of my own lost self.  I have replaced love with anger and resentment, hate with fear and sorrow.  I have cried enough tears to create an ocean of my own.  I have care taken, and gone without.  I have envied others' only to realize that I have no need for all of the material things that others' may possess.  I realize right here, right now that if I am not enough, if my Love is not enough, if my giving of myself unconditionally without question is not enough, then I have had enough.  I have laid down my sword and my shield for the last time.  I will not ever pick them up.  I will lie low in the brush of silence and solitude so that I will not ever hurt again.  I wonder if I will rise above the brush?  Will I EVER be good enough?

Truly the Hardest Part is Letting Go...

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~ Steve Maraboli,

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ~ Deborah Reber
   

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” ~ Stephen King

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you've made, if they don't realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” ~ Steve Maraboli

“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” ~ Haruki Murakami

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” ~ Steve Maraboli

 

 “There ain't no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.” ~Kate DiCamillo

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~ Ann Landers

November 19, 2012

FINALLY!  I finally feel a sense of relief flowing over me… it’s been a long time coming, so I’m going to try to hold onto this feeling with what’s left of the strength I possess.  I’ve been contemplating the most sinister of acts against myself, even plotting my own internal revenge for so long I thought that I had completely lost ALL hope of ever regaining consciousness.  I have been under a spell, I know that I have and for some strange, unexplainable reason I feel that it has been lifted.  I can’t explain it as I have just stated, it’s unexplainable.  It’s blowing my mind actually.  I know too however that this won’t last for very long, so I must take advantage of it, while I can.  I wish that I could control my thoughts for they have controlled me for too long and I know the outcome is grim if I allow them to completely take hold of me.  I was terrified the past few weeks, so much so that I was prepared, and I wasn’t the least bit afraid of where it was that I had been heading.  That statement right there is horrifying.  I know that I need to get a grip and move forward.  Where might I go?  I haven’t the slightest idea, although I do know that anywhere has got to be better than where I was.  I close my eyes frequently throughout the course of every day and the visions I see are morbid, or so they have been.  I want so much to change those eerie images that invade my mind and be done with them; I just haven’t that kind of strength left.  We will see what tomorrow brings, if tomorrow ever comes.  The day is already dragging and when it does, so do my thoughts…

November 16, 2012

I obviously am here to write about another grueling day, worse than the previous one.  I haven't a CLUE what direction I need to be facing, nor which path to turn down.  I have felt empty and alone before, yet the feelings of emptiness I am experiencing this very moment put all others' to shame.  I feel cast to the side, forgotten...do I even exist or is this too a figment of my "WILD" imagination?  Am I tapping keys knowingly or is it my subconscious doing all of this.  Why am I here, AGAIN, today? 

November 15, 2012

My days are going by so slowly lately, leaving entirely too much time for the mini me to wander around aimlessly in my own mind.  Insecurities abound, ones' I had thought were washed away.  They are there.  Right here, everywhere, glaring with piercing eyes telling me what I already know.  I don't want to listen, yet I'm driven to my knees and forced to hear with naked ears the words I once lived by.  I know I'm not worthy, I know I don't deserve, I know all of this so why can't they leave me alone.  Why are they so fucking persistent, WHY?  I just want to be left alone without an echo from even the slightest whisper.  I try with all of my might to make heads or tails of situations today, and for some unknown reason, perhaps because of a power greater than myself I am left in the dark.  A darkness that is becoming increasingly impossible to navigate through, it's drawing me in deeper and deeper, moment by moment.  I know that I have no one to lean on, I haven't a shoulder to cry on but my own.  Why even fucking bother anymore.  Fuck this life.  I haven't the strength to pull through this shit another day...and if by chance I make it through this one, please tell me why! PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!  JUST ONE FUCKING DAY, THAT'S ALL I ASK, ONE FUCKING DAY.  Let my mind not wander into uncharted darkness, please.

November 13, 2012

So goes by yet another long and lonely day.  I sit here with thoughts racing through my head, each one of them stronger than the one before trying to tackle each other in a contstantly failed attempt to reach the finish line.  Is it a metaphorical line that I have created or does it really exist?  Do my thoughts have such control over my dead emotions that they need to fight with one another?  What will become of me if I allow one to win over the other?  These thoughts keep me prisoner. Will I feel defeat like I have not ever before?  Will it finally take it's toll on me for one final hurrah? These persistent, mind blowing, troublesome thoughts are slowly killing me.  Does anyone other than myself see this?  Does anyone really care or are they so caught up with their own lives that I really only exist in ones' imagination? 

November 12, 2012

What's really in a name?  Kelly for instance means "warrior woman".  What exactly does that mean?  Is is from ancient times?  Does it mean that I physically fought or is it meant that I am emotionally and psychologically a warrior, that I will fight for whatever it is?  I need answers and it seems the more questions I ask the more that go unanswered.  Is it out of hurting my feelings, because as I've stated I have none left.  I don't want to feel...not ever again.  I want to forever remain emotionless.  I don't want to know hurt, sorrow, joy, happiness, love...I don't want to know any of it.  Fear however; will remain with me for all eternity.  I have embraced it's powerful embrace and now carry it with me where ever I may go.  I long for nothing.  I want for nothing.  I need for nothing.  I have been cast to the side like a piece of trash thrown into the wind for the last time.  I hurt for days, I cried for hours, and now without a tear to shed I walk alone.  Alone into the darkness of a world that I have created for myself.  A very lonely one I might add.  I've had opportunities along the way to change the emptiness I have felt and I have turned my back on all of them, because I knew that the purity of the intentions were not so pure.  Pure with evil, yet not divine purity.  I will continue to walk this narrow path I have created for myself, being certain to put my blinders on so as to not be distracted by any obstacles that may come my way.  I will NOT EVER allow another close enough to hurt me.  That warrior woman I spoke of has laid down her sword and shield and called a truce with loneliness and all of the obscurities it may bring.  It's an eery feeling, knowing that I have created my own misery... therefore; I will refrain from contact with others in order to prevent them from falling prey.  Misery after all, loves company, and I refuse to bring another down with me.  That warrior woman is no longer a warrior but a coward, the fighting has ceased...finally...no more fighting.

November 9, 2012

Often I wonder what purpose it is that I serve! I've dealt with all of the manipulative bullshit I care to for the rest of this life. I don't understand why some feel it necessary to treat ME like I am non-existent for the most part only to need me when it suits their fancy? Why do I allow this shit to happen? What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't see what's right in front of my face? I make myself sick to my own stomache. I wish that I could reach deep inside and rip out my insides so that I was hollow. No emotions, no feelings left to be trampled upon. What a wonderful day that would be.

November 8, 2012

All living things require nourishment. Water to grow, love to sustain, air to breathe, love to sustain, sun to embellish all else surrounding, love to sustain. Without these plants wilt, animals suffer, love dies, human beings become malnourished and sickly, love dies. I need the same nourishment in order to grow. I have been neglected for far too long, and now my flowers have died off and my leaves are wilting, the soil below me is dry and I fear I have lost LOVE. I can no longer embrace it, I can't smell it, taste it nor feel it. Love has died as so will I if there is no one to help bring me back to life. I need the sun to shine on me, I need the air to breathe, I need to be nourished and brought back to life...

It came to pass...

And so it came to pass that I now realize that I must take my place, as hard as it has been for me to come to terms with all that has been and not been my heart is broken. No, it's shattered once again. I allowed myself to feel, for a short while even after I swore I would never again. It just happened. I was taken by surprise. I should have learned from past experiences that I am not worthy of LOVE. I have no business giving nor receiving such grand emotion. I am sorry to those who felt neglected in any way, shape or form. My intentions as always were as pure as a little girls dreams. After all that's all I have left...those dreams I once knew. They have been extinguished by a flood of displaced emotion. I will no longer burden those with my "baggage". You are all set free! I will be okay and maybe one day, someday I will crawl out from under the ashes of my broken soul and stand tall. I wish I knew for certain the outcome of all of this. I am scared. FEAR has control of me and I am giving in to him. I haven't the strength nor the courage to put up a fight for what I want. Til tomorrow.

Something's Happening Here...

November 6, 2012

I AM LOST! I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND MYSELF INSIDE OF ME. I DIG DEEP AND COME UP EMPTY HANDED. I AM SCARED, AND LOST!

November 1, 2012

Last is not a position I want to become accustomed to, therefore; I am taking extreme measures to avoid being placed there. That's my "FINAL ANSWER"!

October 31, 2012

It is the eve of all hallowed saints, and what is it that I might be doing? Nothing but sitting in the damn dark. No power here for 3 days and not expecting any until the middle of November. Not too bad to deal with right now. The questions flowing through my mind are scaring me. Should I really just turn and walk away?

October 29, 2012

I have come to the realization that my life will forever remain the same. No change, no change! I am beginning to hate my life more with each passing moment. So much that I want to say, so much I want to share. I continuously dodge obstacles to get ahead and yet I still find the walls that I put up in place. These bricks that I have hand picked and strategically placed to avoid pain and discomfort, hurt and heartache are weakening and I haven't much shelter from the storm left to hide behind. What shall I do, where can I go in order to protect myself? How much more devastation must I encounter before the roadblocks have been cleared from the path that I alone am traveling, because it is alone that I am and forever will remain. punishment for things I have said or done I presume. I know I should let go, however; letting go I've heard is the hardest part. what if... I don't want to let go? What if..I won't ever want to let go? I can still move forward! I wish I had the strength to say what it is that I truly feel when I look into your eyes. I see what I want in them. It speaks to me as well. I suppose 'FEAR' prevents me from me from speaking. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

No one will ever know, the pain I feel inside...

There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did.  There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye.  When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside.

It's getting colder now and the darkness consumes me.  Depression is slowly creeping up.  Maybe one day you'll actually care about me.

Never underestimate the pain of a person because the truth is everyone is struggling.  It's just some people hide it better than others.

She smiles with all that she has left, yet tears are left un-dried.   And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it up inside.  If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, the girl is really me...

There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad.

I'm tired of being nice to people who don't give a shit about me.

I'm just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. 

Welcome to where being me is -*Never Enough*-

Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care.  You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die.  Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there.

I could go on with my day and act like everything is okay.  But as my life goes on it hurts more in every way.

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries, her secret disguised behind the lies.  And at night she cries away her pride, with eyes shut tight staring at her inside.  All her friends know why she can't sleep at night, all her family asking is she alright.  All she wants to do is get rid of this hell, well all she's got to do is stop kiddin herself.  She can only fool herself for so long...

You'll just never know...soo many emotions I choose not to show..

Know what it's like to want to die.  How it hurts to smile.  How you try to fit in but you can't.  How you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside.

I see the blood all over your hands.  Does it make you feel more like a man?  Was it all just a part of your plan?  The pistol's shaking in my hands...and all i hear is the sound...

I've been weak and I've been strong.  I've been thru the fire and I've been thru the storm.  Try to do right and I know I do wrong.  Just be happy for me when my life is gone.  Cause with no more hurt and no more tears, there will be no more pain and no more fears.  No more people in my face that are not sincere.  So smile for me when I'm no longer here.

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry.  And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know what I wanna see.  My world use to be worth living for, and now it's hard enough just to be me. 

I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying.

I'm going to smile...and make you think I'm happy...I'm going to laugh...so you don't see me cry...and even if it kills...I'm going to smile.

I'm screwing up every little good thing I ever try to do.  I was born to lose.