December 18, 2012

Out of absolute desperation I sit here and peck at the keys on this fucking keyboard praying for some guidance, for some little glimmer of hope.  How much more?  When will it end?  I have done all but given up completely.  Sobriety sucks ass!  I would love a drink, NO!  I would love to drink myself into oblivion, perhaps further than that.  I want to be comfortably numb.  I have been scared, but, not ever so scared as I am at this very moment.  Everything is coming at me all at once.  I'm afraid for myself, for my children.  What will they do, what will they think?  It's hard enough being a single mother, no outside support, no extra monies coming in to help with bills, worrying constantly if there will be enough?  I have been here before, and I don't want to be, I can't escape it, it's all around me.  My children are suffering because of my inabilities to provide for them, the way they deserve.  I wish I could give them everything they need and then some.  I really hate life right now.  I can't measure up anymore.  I feel beaten.  I'm exhausted.  I AM FUCKING SCARED!  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I want to be at peace, I want happiness.  YES! I WANT TO BE HAPPY! I want to feel like I belong, like I'm apart of another human being.  I'm tired of wasting my time, my energy worrying, running, hiding.  I don't know what to do.